#1
o rly?

our breath is laced with wine and cigarettes.
the cards laid out on the table,
like the prostitute on his satin bedsheets.
we longed for the joker, raise a smile on
our sodden faces. how ironic that the ace
of spades streamed past your blood cells.

beware, the tonic to the madness lies in
your heart, your soul gently weaves its
way toward the flame, its motion so potent
against your dark complexion.

kiss me on parts where i long to be kissed.
the innocent glaze over your eyes is merely a mask,

blackened windows prey on the tapping of
your heeled shoes. they're eating for you,
preying on the scent of the french perfume
"ours is a love without meaning, the best kind.
the only kind." vintage red wines seeping through
the carpet. lust awaits in the dark corners of the room.
tip. tap. tip. tap.
the rain,
the fear,
the madness.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#3
Quote by frodoisdead
o rly?

our breath is laced with wine and cigarettes.
the cards laid out on the table,
like the prostitute on his satin bedsheets.
we longed for the joker, raise a smile on
our sodden faces. how ironic that the ace
of spades streamed past your blood cells.

I haven't read the whole thing but if it is just a figurative prostitute is should just be "a" not "the" Not sure why you changed teh structure half way through seemed silly. Liked the imagery alot though, not even sure what it menas yet though

beware, the tonic to the madness lies in
your heart, your soul gently weaves its
way toward the flame, its motion so potent
against your dark complexion.

Still I really like the imagery but it just seems like words to me.

kiss me on parts where i long to be kissed.
the innocent glaze over your eyes is merely a mask,

parts is such a vulgar word, get rid of it. Rest is really good, and now it finally speaks in reality again

blackened windows prey on the tapping of
your heeled shoes. they're eating for you,
preying on the scent of the french perfume
"ours is a love without meaning, the best kind.
the only kind." vintage red wines seeping through
the carpet. lust awaits in the dark corners of the room.
tip. tap. tip. tap.
the rain,
the fear,
the madness.

So it was about a visit to a ***** Okay then. Really good ending It brings it together nioely. Great Job.


Good stuff man, strange title, crit mine if you have time https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#5
Quote by frodoisdead

our breath is laced with wine and cigarettes.
the cards laid out on the table,
like the prostitute on his satin bedsheets.
we longed for the joker, raise a smile on
our sodden faces. how ironic that the ace
of spades streamed past your blood cells.

this is great, you set the scene so well, i could really feel the atmosphere while reading this stanza. great descriptions, imagery, the cards-prostitute thing is great. nice opening stanza

beware, the tonic to the madness lies in
your heart, your soul gently weaves its
way toward the flame, its motion so potent
against your dark complexion.

this seems to be totally different from the first stanza. i like the flow, your choice of words, but i couldn't really get the meaning from it. i also thought that the sentence was too long, i was really looking forward to the full stop here..

kiss me on parts where i long to be kissed.
the innocent glaze over your eyes is merely a mask,

amazing.

blackened windows prey on the tapping of
your heeled shoes. they're eating for you,
preying on the scent of the french perfume
"ours is a love without meaning, the best kind.
the only kind." vintage red wines seeping through
the carpet. lust awaits in the dark corners of the room.
tip. tap. tip. tap.
the rain,
the fear,
the madness.
i like that 'tip tap tip tap the rain' thing. and how you connect that to fear and madness. this is great writing, as always. great ending, nice descriptions, good imagery, and a good piece! keep it up.


can you do mine? tnx
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=403022
#6
thanks for the comments. they are, as always, much appreciated.

as for the title, it relates to the piece in how the sunlight represents the light in our life and how the female so often saturates this colour.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#8
thanks a lot.

i tend to hate using overly complicated language, i think it too often detracts from pieces.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(