#1
This is a bit of song I wrote for my band (progressve metal) hope you can give me some pointers on my lyrics and how bad they really are,I would really apreaciate it.

tremble at the hands of
unconditional love
and the pieces abandoned
forge a fist in flesh
bury the path´s, when met
and leave forgotten

leave forgotten
when you met your meaning,
pure as fires warmth as the
pain that never faces
tries to break the repugnant walls
lavish praise to your son, mother

can´t you see his not enough
child you never listened
as you can´t blame them
for they are just misguided
through your mind
through

Thanks Jonu
Last edited by Jonu at Jul 29, 2006,
#2
Well, it was alright, but some of it was a bit confusing or abrupt. The ending of the 3rd stanza is confusing to me, (Why do you repeat "through"?) and I think there are some grammar mistakes? (Can't you see his not enough) Still a good attempt, I can see some potential in there definitely.
#3
bury the path's, when met
Is that a typo? Path's would either mean "path is" or that something was belonging to the path. Was it supposed to be paths or did I just miss something?
#4
Quote by Jonu

tremble at the hands of
unconditional love
and the pieces abandoned
forge a fist in flesh
bury the paths, when met
and leave forgotten

i like this; it's original, great use of imagery and description, nice flow too. can't say much here, nice opening stanza

leave forgotten
when you met your meaning,
pure as fires warmth as the
pain that never faces
tries to break the repugnant walls
lavish praise to your son, mother

i like how you start with the ending of the previous stanza; makes a good connection between them. can't really see the meaning here, but whatever, it's great writing. again, nice choice of words, great imagery

can´t you see his not enough
child you never listened
as you can´t blame them
for they are just misguided
through your mind
through

this wasn't as good as the previous stanza's IMO, it was too blunt, i'm sure you can do better. use the same level of imagery as you did before and it'll be good! keep it up!

can you do mine? tnq
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=403022
#5
thanks guys hum some typos in there haha kinda laughing about them now :P i wrote it because i was super inspired and it just came to me so i didnt have much time for grammar and im swedish so ;P... but ... just to make clear it should be "can´t you see he´s not enough" and *bury the paths, when met" ...

Hum the first "verse" kinda gets you in to it i guess, then in second "verse" it get´s you a little confused but there still some clarity in that part i think..

as for rush4life maybe it wasnt ment to be written down "through" in the end but its kinda just a little of a long note you know the singer really holds on to the word ^^

thanks a million guys / Jonu

hum its the meaning of the whole song is just about, you could call it mothers love, or just an feeling that you love someone no mather what you know but then the mother kinda get scared of the pressure and kinda ruins it .. its complicated to explain over internet ;P