#1
I can't think of a name for this song, but here it is:


(verse 1)

Isolated
Boxed thoughts gaping
Desecrated
Vacant fields shaping
Apprehension
Once alone and still alone
Comprehension
Sinking mind stone


(chorus)

I see a void that I have never seen
Help me, hurt me
What's this supposed to mean?
I hear a whisper that I have never heard
Inside-out
Extant being's absurd


(verse 2)

Animation
Dark wall building
Aberration
My painful gilding
Psychology
I fall up as I fall down
Apology
Faded black gown


(bridge) x 3

Fluid outrage eating me gently
As I struggle for words the shadows rise
The imbecile sage is telling me why


(chorus x 2)


(outro) x 5

Oxygen tank, inferior rank, thinking out loud and I'm drawing a blank
#2
great! i loved that, man that was awesome! keep it coming! you got any more? would be very nice if you could post some more lyrics!
Quote by grungefan89
Hooker! Could someone please buy this kid a hooker?

Let me know when you can actually fuck a cartoon chick in the beared clam and give me a call. I've forgotten what it feels like to shit my pants.
#3
very interesting

but please tell me you're trying to think of a name for the song..

for everything good and holy don't name the song "untitled". its so cliche
#4
Thanks No, I don't have any more at the moment, but I'll try to write some more soon.

Yes I'm trying to think of a name, JET116. I also hate the name "Untitled".
#5
Format
annoying the hell out of me
Wish
I didn't bother reading things like that
Explains
why I hated everything that followed it

any way other than that I enjoyed the chorus and the last two parts were very cool, although imbecile sage makes no sense to me, the oxymoron is unexplained here

If you can crit mine please: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#7
I'm the reader dummy, it's YOU'RE fault I didn't understand it when you failed to explain it. Care to explain it now, or did you just use juxtoposition for the hell of it?
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#8
Well, the song is about wanting to commit suicide. "Imbecile sage" means knowing everything you think you need to know but in reality not knowing enough.
#9
What is it? Whenever I started to see something that made sense to me I came to a line that seemed completely random. I got a kind of negative mood from it, but basically all I know from that is its not a happy song. Im sure (or I hope) you had something meaningfull under your metaphor but if it's not clear the song isn't going to mean anything to anyone else. If there is some obvious meaning to this that I missed (which may be as I am pretty tired right now) then I apologize. Sorry if I seemed really negative, the writing isn't bad, I just have no clue what your writing is about.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6320938#post6320938
Check it out if you want
#10
It has a meaning.. I wouldn't have wrote it if it didn't. I wrote it because I'm depressed as hell because I didn't see my girlfriend for a while now because I'm stuck in South Carolina on "vacation".

By the way, everybody, I forgot to say that that song is basically a rough draft of what the song is eventually going to be. I know the format's repetitive, but it won't be that way for long.
#11
Thanks I understand the direction you were in, so you were believing something that was telling you lies.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#13
I wasnt questioning whether or not it had a meaning, just saying that I couldnt understand it and couldnt relate to it and takes away from what I can get from it. When you revise it, try to work on increasing the readers perception of the song. If you care about my opinion that is. Probly no, just a suggestion.
#14
Oh, ok. I care about your opinion, it's just that, if I change the words, I'd end up accidentaly changing the meaning, so the song would end up meaning much less to me in the end.
#15
Maybe add new stanzas where you have the repetitions of the bridge or chorus? Sometimes a entire piece can be a completely illegible metaphor except for on stanza, or even one line that makes all the rest make sense. Something that extreme might be hard to pull off, but if you added a bit to it, it may clarify the parts you already have, or at least be easy enough to relate to in itself to get your attention. Again, just suggestions, but I think that might help.
#16
Thanks for the suggestions. I'll try to do that when I start working on the song again. I'm not in the mood right now.. I doubt I'll be able to pull it off. I just started writing songs a few months ago.
#17
Don't listen to people who are trying to change what you write about, just write what comes to mind and heart, however when you do write, please just do it in a different format, the one word thing annoys me, it had potential otherwise.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#18
I know, it annoys me too. I wasn't planning on keeping it that way, I just wanted a solid platform the work from. I'm not going to listen to what anybody says, unless they're being helpful, because I can use all the help I can get.. I'm only 12 and just recently got into songwriting which might explain why I'm not that good..
Last edited by 4string6string at Jul 29, 2006,
#19
Oh if you are 12 then that's damn good, keep writing, always treet people like they are my exact age online, but you're real young.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#20
Thanks.. I don't think people are used to seeing 12 year olds who can actually type online. I'm not saying all people my age can't, but most of the ones I've seen can't type for ****.
Last edited by 4string6string at Jul 29, 2006,
#21
Your 12? Wow, I started at 13 (Im 15 now) and I completely sucked compared to this.
Quote by Knife2aGunFight
Don't listen to people who are trying to change what you write about, just write what comes to mind and heart, however when you do write, please just do it in a different format, the one word thing annoys me, it had potential otherwise.

If you were talking about me, Im only suggesting. Anyone who wants to write "what comes to mind and heart" can do it, but the point of the forums is to help people to develope their writing so it can express what comes to heart. Sorry to rant, but I wasn't trying to be negative.
#22
man i think this is really good, specially for 12, im 14 and im not very good. this song was really good, good idea and everithing. the dude that said something about the format: i actually liked the format thought it was pretty cool. What style of music is it?

man if you can crit back, i have links in sig, my latest is Found Myself
#23
..well i know what this song about (because it was partly written about me) and i like the format and stuff. i cant write (or else i would post something on here)..not proud of the fact that i suck or anything. yeah, i didnt really understand some parts either but after a while, i started understanding them with the help of chuffy. but i really like the song. go chuffy!
Quote by Dudage
I hate emos becuase George Bush told me to.


kill the posers. they destroyed the punk scene.
I am Punxy the Turtle. I don't care if you
like it or not. And if you dont, tell Chuffy the
Pony that you don't.
(inside joke)
Last edited by punxy at Jul 29, 2006,
#24
Quote by AmplifySilence
What style of music is it?


It's a harder nu-metal song, sort of like what Slipknot does.


Quote by punxy
..well i know what this song about (because it was partly written about me) and i like the format and stuff. i cant write (or else i would post something on here)..not proud of the fact that i suck or anything. yeah, i didnt really understand some parts either but after a while, i started understanding them with the help of chuffy. but i really like the song. go chuffy!


Better like it.
#25
Very nicely done! I could see this as a metal or industrial style song. I like your structure in the verses, and the chorus flows quite well. Awesome job!
#26
Thanks. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with this song, I might just shorten the verses and use them to create a third verse.
Last edited by 4string6string at Jul 30, 2006,