#1
It's about a guy who get's out of jail/rehab whatever and has decided he's going to try to be a father to his kid and use that to become a better person and also mold his kid into someone better than he was. But then social services or something like that decides that because of his past, he can't look after a kid, without giving him a chance. So there's a little back story for you.


Verse 1
Cut up the truth, edit the lies
serve it all up and what a surprise
someone's old, lost their edge
tried to fix it but their hurt us instead
mortified at the loss
they hope nobody will notice the cost
I'm a fool, for what it's worth
It doesn't help but I know I'm not the first

Chorus
Sitting at my usual table I see you come along
I don't know what you're doing here
when you've been away so long.
You sit down and order a drink
while I finish off my own.
My eyes mist up, and I don't know what to say
but I just can't believe how you've grown.

Take me back to '93
the day they took you away from me
I've never cried so hard in my life.

Verse 2
Cut out my heart, hold up my head
Reel me to shore then throw me back again
That'll show the system works
When hope is dead there's nothing left to hurt.
Spin around the mortal dice
Read me the papers that kill me tonight.
Father's and sons, but who's raising whom
They took you away when I tried to raise you.
*****************

Thanks for reading. Tell me what you think and I'll give you feedback too.
#2
Quote by PunkFish182

Verse 1
Cut up the truth, edit the lies
serve it all up and what a surprise
someone's old, lost their edge
tried to fix it but their hurt us instead
mortified at the loss
they hope nobody will notice the cost
I'm a fool, for what it's worth
It doesn't help but I know I'm not the first

amazing flow in the first part of this stanza, but i kinda lost it in the last four lines. it's great how you bring your subject here, pretty original. loved the first two lines! and the nice subtle rhymes in the first 4 lines. but like i said, i wasn't too fond of the last part of this stanza, the flow, but also the word choice and rhymes are of less quality IMO. nice opening though, i enjoyed it.

Chorus
Sitting at my usual table I see you come along
I don't know what you're doing here
when you've been away so long.
You sit down and order a drink
while I finish off my own.
My eyes mist up, and I don't know what to say
but I just can't believe how you've grown.

nice, but i'd like some more imagery here.. i thought it was pretty blunt. nothing special

Take me back to '93
the day they took you away from me
I've never cried so hard in my life.

again, kinda blunt, but it fits the theme very well, so it's not a big problem. i like this part


Verse 2
Cut out my heart, hold up my head
Reel me to shore then throw me back again
That'll show the system works
When hope is dead there's nothing left to hurt.
Spin around the mortal dice
Read me the papers that kill me tonight.
Father's and sons, but who's raising whom
They took you away when I tried to raise you.

there's your amazing flow again. great! i love this stanza, it's up to the standard you set in the first part of the first stanza again, and it's just great writing. nice job! i enjoyed reading your song!


tnx for doing mine
#4
I love these kind of story-telling songs, and this one is pretty amazing. But it doesn´t seem quite finished. I would have cut up (yeah, "cut up"! Funny eh...no, nevermind) the veses into smaller parts so that it gets easier to keep up the interest. Also you should make a better ending. Sorry, that didn´t make sense at all. Let me try again... I think that the finishing line is to long, you should have something shorter and stronger to end with. Like if you could say the same thing but with fewer words.

By the way, nice title. (that´s why I´m reading it, y´see) And if you´re gonna crit my songs, ........well, they´re way back in the archive. VERY hard to find.

Keep on writing
Some live, some die. And the rest of us just keep fighting eachother.
#6
The flow of the first and second verse remind me of something The Smashing Pumpkins would have made.
I LOVE YOU JESUS CHRIIIIST
JESUS CHRIST I LOVE YOU
YES I DOOOO
#7
Quote by PunkFish182


Verse 1
Cut up the truth, edit the lies
serve it all up and what a surprise
someone's old, lost their edge
tried to fix it but their hurt us instead
mortified at the loss
they hope nobody will notice the cost
I'm a fool, for what it's worth
It doesn't help but I know I'm not the first

The first two lines made me roll my eyes considerably. If it doesn't change anything make it "edit in lies" and "their" in the 4th should be "they"

Chorus
Sitting at my usual table I see you come along
I don't know what you're doing here
when you've been away so long.
You sit down and order a drink
while I finish off my own.
My eyes mist up, and I don't know what to say
but I just can't believe how you've grown.

That is pure gold

Take me back to '93
the day they took you away from me
I've never cried so hard in my life.

Not bad not good

Verse 2
Cut out my heart, hold up my head
Reel me to shore then throw me back again
That'll show the system works
When hope is dead there's nothing left to hurt.
Spin around the mortal dice
Read me the papers that kill me tonight.
Father's and sons, but who's raising whom
They took you away when I tried to raise you.

First few line are great, don't use hurt again though. Just as someone said the last line is not powerful enough, also "they took" sounds awkward with the flow.
*****************

Thanks for reading. Tell me what you think and I'll give you feedback too.


All in all pretty damn good, the parts I pointed out are definately keepers
crit mine if you can https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#8
I really liked it!
It's got a great structure and stuff but I think you should work on the ending. In my opinion its not 'complete' cause the reader or the person who listenes to it expects something more after your last line... Dunno... I just felt like that
Anyway, its a good topic to wrtie about I think. Not always this love and war and politic and heartache and stuff.
Good work!