#1
Perched on the verge of awareness,
Eyes wide; as if to consume all that is due.
A cub to the most ruthless of lionesses,
Sworn to subdue all of you.
Count me as one, as two -
Or as all
And I'll hand down the benefit of sheer doubt.
I am a solipsist for now,
Until my day comes,
Both a leader of a pride and an expendable mutt.
This is not a pipe
#2
it's great, simply great writing. it's short, but it doesn't need to be any longer. i loved it, your choice of words, the imagery. and i love the originality of it, it's not like anythig i've read before, i enjoyed it!

can you do one mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=403642
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=403022

i'll let you choose which one, i can't choose between them. they're equally bad
#5
Thank you guys. Lately I haven't been writing in length, and I find that short pieces just seem more complete and come full circle. Maybe it's the heat - it tires the brain...

Antoine, I will wait to see what you have to say...


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#6
"Perched on the verge of a..." - I like this opener. It's kind of...locative. Which I think is good to open with. Loads of assonance and internal rhyme throughout this piece, but I'm sure you know that already. "sheer doubt" - Well, I think I know what you're talking about here, though I suppose it's not something I can claim understanding of. I can still hear it, though - I guess I see this piece as truthful and not hopeful? As for solipsism, well, if I'm right in my interpretation of this piece then I think it might just deal with one of the few things that can argue with it. I think it's good; it flows well when read. And if I'm not reading too much into it; I think there are a couple of touches of real wit.
Sorry I can't offer any real 'criticism' on the piece. Personally I really like it and I enjoyed it. That's really about all I'm qualified to say! Great to have you post, I hope everything's going well for you
Ro
ρ
#7
I liked it alot, I would suggest it just be ruthless lioness, as I think ruthless of lionesses disturbs the flow a bit. Also I was a bit confused as to how solipsism fits here. It seems you gave up rhyming half-way through aswell. But overall a very good piece, and it really doesn't need to be any longer.

If you could crit mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#8

it's you... it's really you...

I missed you!!

amazing lyrics as always.
books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke.

UG Profile
#10
Perched on the verge of awareness,
Eyes wide; as if to consume all that is due.
great flow.
A cub to the most ruthless of lionesses,
lionesses is awkward to me. What would you think of "the most ruthless lioness". Great metaphor.
Sworn to subdue all of you.
The assonance is superb. Great work! This first part is pretty damn perfect, if you ask me. It has a flow and diction that is seen in few today.
Count me as one, as two -
Or as all
And I'll hand down the benefit of sheer doubt.
Once again, nothing to say here, formally flawless. The content is good too, but it doesn't punch me as hard as the first bit.
I am a solipsist for now,
Until my day comes,
Both a leader of a pride and an expendable mutt.
Fu cking strong ending! Loops it all up perfectly. Expendable was the perfect word choice.

This was a great piece Carmel. Formally, it's the best I've read in a while. The shortness did nothing to weaken it, as we often see. It reminded me a LOT of Sylvia Plath.

If you could check out mine, that would be sweet.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=398191
#11
Thank you for your comments, guys (Hi there Alex...).

Antoine, I do agree with you on some level, and I did consider the option, but everytime I read it to myself I felt it should be the way I posted it and it had better flow with the rhythm I gave it when reading aloud. Also, I wanted to keep the plural theme going in that bit of the piece, just to clash with the solipsist view.
I do accept that it's "prettier" the way you suggested it, and thank you so much for the comment about "expendable", it meant a lot.

And Ronan, I love this new view on things that you've decided on... Read your PMs.

Carmel
This is not a pipe