#1
New song... I don't really know what I was trying to accomplish with this one, I just sort of got the idea of writing a song in the perspective of a confused person who committed a murder, and what they do, and what theyre thinking...

Any input on how to improve it, etc, is greatly appreciated...

Yeah, here it goes...

I don't even know where I'm going tonight
But they will never forgive me, forget me, or destroy me.
I've left my burning scar in the hands of those
Who have betrayed me, or Ever loved me
And now they will regret it.

I've abandoned a life worth living.
Turned to the dark away from the others.

Away from this village I run to find a dark place
To hide from the screams of those I have hurt.
Of those I have taken from their homes to the swamp.

I've abandoned a life worth living.
Away from the light, I've lost my father.

And now ashes fall from the sky.
Placid water freezes over.
It feels like I should die.
So cold here in my shadowed life.
Hiding from the screams.

I've abandoned a life worth living.
Pushing my fear behind murder.
What have I done?
I can't ever go back...
They'll kill me if I do...
I think it would be better...
If I did that myself...


Thanks for reeeeadin

keep it realz yo
Last edited by Ryioku at Jul 30, 2006,
#2
For one I liked the subject matter you used. Even though it didn't rhyme, it still flowed very well. If I may make one suggestion though, I think you should trade the last line in the second chorus, "I've lost my father" for "Away from the others". But that's just my opinion.

Crit mine please

Heaven On Earth
#3
Wow, really powerful, you conveyed the message very clearly. Its a poem right, I can't hear it as a song.

I don't know where I'm going tonight
But they will never forgive me, forget me, or destroy me


You had me at those lines, and the rest of the piece went smooth...

Crit for crit? I have a new rap out that news some critique, it would be great to have some: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6327799#post6327799
#4
Thanks for the crit guys...

As for the "I've Lost my Father" bit...
to me, that is actually the most important part of the song, because well, I wrote lost my father, because in he story (the song), the person has killed several people in a small town, and he also killed his father... and the reason I chose father, is because I haven't seen my father in 4 years, so basically, i'm away from him, lost him, however you would word it.


Keep it cominnnn