#1
Ahhh, once again, Daniel White has a rap for you all, that will touch you in your heart, soul, mind, and possibly some other places... Alright, enough playing. I wrote this a couple days ago, truely inspired by the song "For the Love of Money", by the O'Jays. As for the sample, its not that I couldn't think of a decent chorus (alright I couldn't), its just that I heard that song and could really feel the music behind it and said "Oh damn, I could rap over something like that", and naturally, my lyrics mirrored the song's lyrics, so I decided to add a sample from it in there.
-------------------------

[*LongSniff* "ahhh"]
Can you smell that?
I mean it smells so right
All thse people makin' paper
All day and every night
And what do we call that sweet stuff, honey?
That's right my friend, we call that money
And if you take a look around you
Ain't a damn thing funny
Money green, money gold
What is wanted is what's sold
People rob for it
Steal for it
People sell they selves or kill for it

(Sample from O'Jays' "For the Love of Money)
"For a small piece of paper it carries a lot of weight
Call it lean, mean, mean green"


People are slaves to it, how can this be?
Its pulling down our society
But without it no society
Cause this cruel, capitalistic
Materialistic, self perpetualing
World of our's needs it
The people live, eat, shit and breathe it
But you gotta make some to get ahead in this world
Even if its at the expense of some little boys and little girls
Cause their lives don't really matter,
Really, now do they?
As long as you get your paycheck at the end of the day
And put in their shoes, then what would you say?
But you don't really care, you're gonna get your way
It don't really matter as long as you get paid

(Sample from O'Jays' "For the Love of Money)
"For a small piece of paper it carries a lot of weight
Call it lean, mean, mean green"


And it makes them blind
It destroys their minds
But they don't mind
As long as they get their dime
Cause the poor sell rocks
And the rich sell stocks
And this greed's got society
Trapped in a box
People kill others just to get ahead
While just as those oppressed
They'll still end up dead
So why the rush?
All the hurry to get to the summit
You'll be no happier
That's really something
Cause believe me, I've been there
Suburbs and the ghetto
Do I feel better now?
Not really, no

(Sample from O'Jays' "For the Love of Money)
"For a small piece of paper it carries a lot of weight
Call it lean, mean, mean green" Play rest of song- out.
Last edited by MastaBassist10 at Jul 30, 2006,
#2
First of all, thanks for the crit. Once again you have managed to create another breath taking rap. I thought it flowed very well (and if there is one thing rap songs need, it is flow). I thought the subject matter was great as well. I particularly liked the last verse. If those words don't have truth to them, then nothing does.
#3
Simply amazing, I love that ending...
And yeah I know exactly what this is saying... been through alot of it, and have seen people go through worse.
#4
that's great. i can see what you're saying here and it was so well written. the flow, what a rap song needs, was amazing. it wasn't the most original subject ever, but you brought it in such a good way that i can't complain about that. i liked this part a lot:
Cause the poor sell rocks
And the rich sell stocks
And this greed's got society
Trapped in a box

nice job! tnx for doing mine
#5
yeah, great job on another good song, man. wow u keep coming with great ideas and great raps. hey ur verses are really good just like all your songs. what is that ojay part? im not familiar with it. and what kind of beat is this gonna be? im imagining a drum-based beat with heavy drums, and maybe like a bass in it?

(hey man, i havent forgotten about that rap i promised, its halfway done, should get posted in like, 2 days)
#6
Quote by AmplifySilence
yeah, great job on another good song, man. wow u keep coming with great ideas and great raps. hey ur verses are really good just like all your songs. what is that ojay part? im not familiar with it. and what kind of beat is this gonna be? im imagining a drum-based beat with heavy drums, and maybe like a bass in it?

(hey man, i havent forgotten about that rap i promised, its halfway done, should get posted in like, 2 days)

Nope, there's an old funk/R&B (Ray Charles-style R&B, not that new stuff) called "For the Love of Money", and basically what I'm gonna do is I'm going to cut and loop a part of it (the bass line and the horn section), and that's going over a funk/hip-hop drum line, and that's going to be my beat. I'm going to use the chorus as my chorus, not because I'm uncreative, but because it fits so well. Go Limewire the song or something, its a great song.

And man, don't worry, writing takes time, especially when "treading in uncharted land". The only reason I can do these so well and just churn them out every week is because I've been doing it for a couple weeks, and I do it every day. I can't write a rock song worth a crap. So keep at it.
#7
yeah man, the beat sound cool, ill go check out the song later, though

and, man i used to write raps, man, really good too, but i left the game for a little bit and now i cant. (but im coming back and trying to juggle two genres at a time) but we'll see...
#8
Quote by MastaBassist10
Ahhh, once again, Daniel White has a rap for you all, that will touch you in your heart, soul, mind, and possibly some other places... Alright, enough playing. I wrote this a couple days ago, truely inspired by the song "For the Love of Money", by the O'Jays. As for the sample, its not that I couldn't think of a decent chorus (alright I couldn't), its just that I heard that song and could really feel the music behind it and said "Oh damn, I could rap over something like that", and naturally, my lyrics mirrored the song's lyrics, so I decided to add a sample from it in there.
-------------------------

[*LongSniff* "ahhh"]
Can you smell that?
I mean it smells so right
All thse people makin' paper
All day and every night
And what do we call that sweet stuff, honey?
That's right my friend, we call that money
And if you take a look around you
Ain't a damn thing funny
Money green, money gold
What is wanted is what's sold
People rob for it
Steal for it
People sell they selves or kill for it

(Sample from O'Jays' "For the Love of Money)
"For a small piece of paper it carries a lot of weight
Call it lean, mean, mean green"


People are slaves to it, how can this be?
Its pulling down our society
But without it no society
Cause this cruel, capitalistic
Materialistic, self perpetualing
World of our's needs it
The people live, eat, shit and breathe it
But you gotta make some to get ahead in this world
Even if its at the expense of some little boys and little girls
Cause their lives don't really matter,
Really, now do they?
As long as you get your paycheck at the end of the day
And put in their shoes, then what would you say?
But you don't really care, you're gonna get your way
It don't really matter as long as you get paid

(Sample from O'Jays' "For the Love of Money)
"For a small piece of paper it carries a lot of weight
Call it lean, mean, mean green"


And it makes them blind
It destroys their minds
But they don't mind
As long as they get their dime
Cause the poor sell rocks
And the rich sell stocks
And this greed's got society
Trapped in a box
People kill others just to get ahead
While just as those oppressed
They'll still end up dead
So why the rush?
All the hurry to get to the summit
You'll be no happier
That's really something
Cause believe me, I've been there
Suburbs and the ghetto
Do I feel better now?
Not really, no

(Sample from O'Jays' "For the Love of Money)
"For a small piece of paper it carries a lot of weight
Call it lean, mean, mean green" Play rest of song- out.


Nice to see something different on here a rap, and proving that the genre is not all teh gangstas and hos we hear about in the mainstream. A well written piece and I have to say I like the subject matter ad the way you pput your ideas forward.
#9
^Well, I try my best not to fall into the stereotypes of this genre domiated by "thugs" and "gangsters". I mean, I still listen to htose guys, but the difference between them and I is that, while they try to be hard, I don't care about that kind of stuff. I'm just trying to make the people more aware in a way that they haven't heard before.
#13
not bad at all. It kept a pretty good flow throught it all I think, which is one of the more important aspects of rap music. My favorite part is (like the other guy said)
Cause the poor sell rocks
And the rich sell stocks
And this greed's got society
Trapped in a box

That's some quality crap you've got there. I thought a couple lines came off weird, but overall it's good. I don't think it's quite your best, but it's still a lot better than half the other crap out there (especially rap). Good job, and keep it up.
#14
see, i knew there was good rap somewhere, why is it that the rap coming out of people like 50 cent and T.I. deemed better than this, this is way better than that junk
Go get your shovel.
#15
good to see hip hop getting some love around here.

my crit:
Not bad. Could use some work, but not bad. You only rhyme the last word of each line. Keep a general rhyme scheme, but try mixing things up a bit. It's kinda hard to explain, so I'll use eminem as an example. Even if you don't like him, you should listen to him to get an idea of what I'm talking about. He's a master at doing that.

Since I'm in a position to talk to these kids and they listen
I ain't no politician but I'll kick it with 'em a minute
Cause see they call me a menace; and if the shoe fits I'll wear it
But if it don't, then y'all'll swallow the truth grin and bear it
Now who's these king of these rude ludicrous lucrative lyrics
Who could inherit the title, put the youth in hysterics
Usin his music to steer it, sharin his views and his merits
But there's a huge interference - they're sayin you shouldn't hear it
Maybe it's hatred I spew, maybe it's food for the spirit
Maybe it's beautiful music I made for you to just cherish
But I'm debated disputed hated and viewed in America
as a mother****in drug addict - like you didn't experiment?
Now now, that's when you start to stare at who's in the mirror
and see yourself as a kid again, and you get embarrased
And I got nothin to do but make you look stupid as parents
You ****in do-gooders - too bad you couldn't do good at marriage!
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#16
Quote by BigFatSandwich
good to see hip hop getting some love around here.

my crit:
Not bad. Could use some work, but not bad. You only rhyme the last word of each line. Keep a general rhyme scheme, but try mixing things up a bit. It's kinda hard to explain, so I'll use eminem as an example. Even if you don't like him, you should listen to him to get an idea of what I'm talking about. He's a master at doing that.

Since I'm in a position to talk to these kids and they listen
I ain't no politician but I'll kick it with 'em a minute
Cause see they call me a menace; and if the shoe fits I'll wear it
But if it don't, then y'all'll swallow the truth grin and bear it
Now who's these king of these rude ludicrous lucrative lyrics
Who could inherit the title, put the youth in hysterics
Usin his music to steer it, sharin his views and his merits
But there's a huge interference - they're sayin you shouldn't hear it
Maybe it's hatred I spew, maybe it's food for the spirit
Maybe it's beautiful music I made for you to just cherish
But I'm debated disputed hated and viewed in America
as a mother****in drug addict - like you didn't experiment?
Now now, that's when you start to stare at who's in the mirror
and see yourself as a kid again, and you get embarrased
And I got nothin to do but make you look stupid as parents
You ****in do-gooders - too bad you couldn't do good at marriage!

I know I do, its kind of what I'm doing write now, as its all I can do. My talent hasn't fully matured enough to be able to pull off interal rhyme so that it sounds convincing to me. And yes, I love Eminem, he's one of my favorite rappers.
#17
Quote by MastaBassist10
I know I do, its kind of what I'm doing write now, as its all I can do. My talent hasn't fully matured enough to be able to pull off interal rhyme so that it sounds convincing to me. And yes, I love Eminem, he's one of my favorite rappers.

that's cool man. it's really refreshing to see someone on the board who's not all like "RAP EQUALS CRAP! LOLLERCOASTER!"
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#19
alright.. here's a few lines that I thought came off weird or something like that..
People kill others just to get ahead
While just as those oppressed
They'll still end up dead
So why the rush?
All the hurry to get to the summit
You'll be no happier
That's really something
Cause believe me, I've been there

You've got your thoughts in there nicely, but it just doesn't seem to flow very well to me. Like the first two lines aren't really that big of a problem, but the following ones don't seem to follow them in a particular rhythm or rhyme. The rest of the stanza isn't bad, but I think it could somehow be made to flow better with the ending. Also in the second stanza when you end two lines in a row with society, kinda comes off funny to me.

But you gotta make some to get ahead in this world
Even if its at the expense of some little boys and little girls
Cause their lives don't really matter,
Really, now do they?
I'd change the second to "even at the expense of little boys and girls", and "cause their lives don't matter, they really don't now do they?" I just think changing a couple words like that would make it sound better. Those are just a couple things I picked out. They just come off funny to me, but for all I know they sound fine when you rap it out.
#20
Quote by a-user-name
alright.. here's a few lines that I thought came off weird or something like that..
People kill others just to get ahead
While just as those oppressed
They'll still end up dead
So why the rush?
All the hurry to get to the summit
You'll be no happier
That's really something
Cause believe me, I've been there

You've got your thoughts in there nicely, but it just doesn't seem to flow very well to me. Like the first two lines aren't really that big of a problem, but the following ones don't seem to follow them in a particular rhythm or rhyme. The rest of the stanza isn't bad, but I think it could somehow be made to flow better with the ending. Also in the second stanza when you end two lines in a row with society, kinda comes off funny to me.

But you gotta make some to get ahead in this world
Even if its at the expense of some little boys and little girls
Cause their lives don't really matter,
Really, now do they?
I'd change the second to "even at the expense of little boys and girls", and "cause their lives don't matter, they really don't now do they?" I just think changing a couple words like that would make it sound better. Those are just a couple things I picked out. They just come off funny to me, but for all I know they sound fine when you rap it out.

Well, this flow is modeled after an Eminem + Immortal Technique style, so for a lot of those lines where it seems like I crammed too many words in there, I really just speed up my rapping momentarily, so it fits, like where it says:
"Cause this cruel, capitalistic
Materialistic, self perpetualing
World of our's needs it"

,the flow seems to be off, but I just say it real fast so it fits well. Those few lines were heavily modeled on Immortal Techique's writing style.
#22
Quote by AmplifySilence
thats why when you crit rap songs you actually have to rap them to a beat

Of course, but a lot of people here (most actually), hear it as a [melodic] song when they read it, so some of the words sound off, but when they rap them, they sound right. So you can't critisize them on that.
#24
Dude i don't know what it is about your raps but they're where its at man. i think it might be the oldschool style or something but anyways it's awesome keep it up dawg. Peace WOODnotes
#25
Quote by MastaBassist10
Of course, but a lot of people here (most actually), hear it as a [melodic] song when they read it, so some of the words sound off, but when they rap them, they sound right. So you can't critisize them on that.


yeah yeah, i understand, im just saying...
#27
I like that one. Some of your others are better but this one's pretty good. I enjoyed it.

Crit my newest one?
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#28
an easy target with a few good lines. specifically the last three.

definitely a hell of a lot better than most rap music I've heard though
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#29
Woot. . Dang man you keep on rollin. It just never stops. Here i am thinking of some crap to post while you're making great stuff. AWESOME.
#31
Quote by TrigFunction
Just wanted to say that youve posted quite a few pieces lately, and have broken the rules a few times doing it. Just might want to... watch that. Only two a week, one a day.

No I haven't, I always post two a week, and I posted one today, and one yesterday, on Sunday. The rule is that from Sunday-on, I can post new ones, I checked with Pooch. So.. yeah, I don't see where I'm screwing up. But congrats on winning WOTM.
#33
Quote by TrigFunction
Actually no, pooch was wrong. If you read my reply its actually 7 days not sunday to sunday. You can ask him again if you like, he asked alice. Or read the thread, though i dont remember which it was. and thanks.

-Mike

Alright, well, sorry about that, I guess I just won't post anymore from now until next Monday, and if they close it, so be it. Thanks for the heads up.
#34
yeppers, actually i didnt even notice it, synth the banned man did and told me to post... hes always flanting off spamming and getting banned.. yeah... next monday and more pieces for all of us, and thanks for your post.

-Mike

edit: i just said the synth stuff cause hes probably gonna get mad and yell at me, but he cant post cause hes banned. and i find that kinda funny.
#35
Incredible rhymes, and unlike most of mainstream hip-hop these days, it has meaning. I hope you can actually get big with this. Maybe vanquish 50 Cent and his lot like Nirvana vanquished Motley Crue and their lot.
#36
Well, normally I'd do each verse in tow, but I cannot find fault with this piece, so I won't bother.

Thoroughly enjoyed reading it; you've got an exceptionally good useage of words, and the subject is one I agree with and feel strongly about.

In closing I'd like to say that this is a fantasticly good piece, and in particular the second verse. One of the best lyrical verse I've ever seen. Great job.
#37
u should record urself rapping it (it'd be kewl) (eventho all the racist freaks on this site will kill u by flame alone.)
bananabananabanana terracotta banana terracotta terracotta *pie*

Quote by Bmm386
I think they should make a GTA paris in like 1795.
Your only goal is to feed your family and keep your horse alive.

Quote by I-AM-NOT-GOD
it hit the twin towers, not the pentagon, idiot
#39
this is an awesome rap.....i know im gunna have some of thsoe lines stuck in my head for a while, and i was just thinking about this stuff the other day...people are to involved and worried about money...if ya get a chance crit one of my songs.....it would be much appreciated....im gunna check out some of your other raps...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp