#1
it was there
it was
then
outside the pseudo post-punk scene
angry teens and the police
the first glimpse at your dramatics
triggered our practice match dynamics

my shy-guy eyes from the pavement
on your bare chest emblem
provoked you to wrap me up in
the cute confidence of your thin limbs

I could see the future
like a magic eight ball
trying to tell you
which outcomes are possible
without any way to know.


this isn't over.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#2
This is gonna sound soooo stupid.. but is it about a spider in any way?

''my shy-guy eyes from the pavement
on your bare chest emblem
provoked you to wrap me up in
the cute confidence of your thin limbs''
#3
it was there
it was
then
outside the pseudo post-punk scene
angry teens and the police
the first glimpse at your dramatics
triggered our practice match dynamics
Great flow. The rhythm and rhyming are very well put together and the structure works. I like the imagery a lot in this stanza and I find the sentences very well worded.

my shy-guy eyes from the pavement
on your bare chest emblem
provoked you to wrap me up in
the cute confidence of your thin limbs
This breaks the flow a bit, but not in a bad way. I only found the second line to be a little too short, or maybe just the wording to be a little too clumsy.

I could see the future
like a magic eight ball
trying to tell you
which outcomes are possible
without any way to know.

this isn't over.
The return to the flow and rhyming is very well timed and the content reveals itself in a very clever way. I would have liked to see the last line more attached to the rest of the text, maybe by replacing the full stop before it with a comma, or using "That this isn't over", or something of the sort. It just felt a bit too disconnected to me.

Very well constructed piece that stroke the right chords. Lovely.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#4
Quote by shamozz
This is gonna sound soooo stupid.. but is it about a spider in any way?

no.

yeah, the second line, agreed. it's because I had the word "fire" before emblem but then I didn't want to distract readers who play video games.

thanks for your comments
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#6
Quote by less than that
it was there
it was
then
outside the pseudo post-punk scene
angry teens and the police
the first glimpse at your dramatics
triggered our practice match dynamics
Has a nice ring to it, don't really understand the whole angry teen thing though.

my shy-guy eyes from the pavement
on your bare chest emblem
provoked you to wrap me up in
the cute confidence of your thin limbs
I don't know why, but I laughed at this, I doubt that was what you expected but...nice uh, god, i cant think of the word suddenly...visualness...

I could see the future
like a magic eight ball
trying to tell you
which outcomes are possible
without any way to know.
Don't like the eight ball part here, but it works well, i just don't like eight balls in general...dunno why.


this isn't over.



Nice job...good beginning here can't wait for the rest.

CAn you check out mine? you always manage to give me a good, harsh and critical review on mine lol.

The links in the sig.
#8
I definitly liked this one, the titles a stunner, too. The imagry was wonderful, and the length and flow countered it perfectly for me: As I reas it, I tried to paint a picture in my head, but the way it flowed I barely had enough time to think before I was onto a whole new idea, wonderful! Keep up the good work.

Linkage:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=404524
Quote by soccermom
Of course eating unbelievable amounts of anything can probably harm you, but i chose bananas because they look like willies.
#9
Loveeeee it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
"this isn't over" is part of the poem not me saying this poem isn't over.

thanks guys, I'll try to do all the ones with links but if I don't have anything helpful to say I'm not going to say anything
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in