#1
Hey. Thought id post a song that has a bit of a strange story to it...alot of it was written in my sleep.Seriously. I woke up to a bit of paper on my face with drool and various ramblings on it.
Personally? I dont like it, but tell me what you think. Im crit for crit.

"Two weeks and she'll be totally unstable"
An empty seat and twenty love hearts carved into the table
Each one representing a something or other,
The pointed arrows through?
Well, they speak for themselves...

Wait, does anybody, anybody know her?
Inside-out does anybody, anybody care?

Bruised hearts, drawn to effect
Healed by the cross round her soul and neck


"One week, and she is looking better"
"That girl i'll never get her.." Well you'd be wise to take advice.
Each one of those carvings seem so meaningless now
Yet still bleeding for something or other
the jagged arrows through,
point back at themselves..

Wait, did nobody, nobody show her?
Did anyone, anyone..anyone care..?


Bruised hearts, drawn to effect
Healed by the cross round her soul and neck
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#2
funny how you wrote it... i like it, like the story u kinda told, the lines in bold were allright, but i really like the unbolded parts, really good, i wish i could write in my sleep, id get a lot more sleep... i give it like a 8/10 (the unbolded alone gets a 9/10)

if you crit back theres links in my sig
#3
Hey, I agree that the bolded parts could probably be ditched. I feel like they don't fit in with the tone of the rest of the song so, in my opinion, I'd get rid of that bit.

In terms of the rest of the song, I think the best lines were the first two of each verse. I think they flow the best and they are the ones that made me keep reading the rest of the verse, which I think you should re-write to follow the same sort of style as the first two lines. Just a thought though.
- PunkFish
#4
Thanks guys. It means alot =D
I'll get critting right back now.

franz x
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#5
Quote by franz.d.
Hey. Thought id post a song that has a bit of a strange story to it...alot of it was written in my sleep.Seriously. I woke up to a bit of paper on my face with drool and various ramblings on it.
Personally? I dont like it, but tell me what you think. Im crit for crit.
You wrote a song in your sleep!?!?! I am unbelievably jealous!


"Two weeks and she'll be totally unstable"
An empty seat and twenty love hearts carved into the table
Each one representing a something or other,
The pointed arrows through?
Well, they speak for themselves... Nice start, it makes me want to keep reading. I especially love the first line.

Wait, does anybody, anybody know her?
Inside-out does anybody, anybody care? Ok

Bruised hearts, drawn to effect
Healed by the cross round her soul and neck
I agree with what the others said about this part. While i do like it, it doesn't fit in.

"One week, and she is looking better"
"That girl i'll never get her.." Well you'd be wise to take advice.
Each one of those carvings seem so meaningless now
Yet still bleeding for something or other
the jagged arrows through,
point back at themselves..
This stanza is good but not as strong as the first. I didn't like the second line but I definitely like the last two.

Wait, did nobody, nobody show her?
Did anyone, anyone..anyone care..?
I like the way this is repeted and I think that you should use this as the ending along with another "anyone?" at the end


Bruised hearts, drawn to effect
Healed by the cross round her soul and neck


I liked this piece but i feel like there could have been more of it or that you could have expressed some of the ideas differently, it just feels a bit off...
I'll give it an 8/10
#6
I pretty much can only say what's been said... Second line of the second stanza really needs to be revised, it messes it up. The bold part doesn't really fit in with the song at all, and it isn't half bad.. just doesn't fit. I'm not really feeling the first two line thing with the "anyone's", but the second one is good (especially if you take neely's advice to end it with an "anyone?"). The rest of the song seems good though, although I'm not sure if I buy into your drool covered song thing.. haha.. unless of course you had been drinking or you have sleepwalking problems or something along the lines of that, then it's completely believeable. Either way, it's got potential with a little bit of tweaking.
#7
hahaha! Sleepwalking problems mate. I get pills so that i fall into a deeper sleep but it doesnt help. I once woke up on my floor with my stool lying on my back =/
Ive only written stuff about 5 times but most of the time it makes no sense or its un readable!!
Anyways...
Thankyou for the crits, i think il trash the bolded bits as i agree with what everone else has said about them. But does anyone have any ideas on how to change/replace them?
Thanks =D
franz x
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#8
Well this piece was definitely orginal. It was very strainge as well. Kindof quirky. I liked it though. I thought it was very well written. I wish I could write this good when I'm sleeping ( or awake for that matter). Anyways, keep up the good work

Crit mine please

I Love Your Show
#9
Lovin' it Franz, long time no see. The first verse is quite capturign and made me want to read more, I love your style of writing, it's a little confusing but easily understandable if you think a about it. The rhyming seems almost forced but stays within the boundaries. The next part here is alright, it seems the writer is asking themselves a question and putting it into the song. The next part as said before, just doesn't fit in with your overall impression. The next is good, not as strong as the first but good. Especially the first two lines. I like the repetition in the last few lines. 9/10 Franz my dear.

Mind critting my new one Franz? The link's in my sig.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
Last edited by calvinthecanadi at Jul 31, 2006,
#10
Thanks calvin =] everyones pretty much agreeing here i think...well, its good to have you back!
Il get critting back now guys, thanks again.

Franz x
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#11
i can definitely relate to this writing because this was basically my style when i first started a couple years ago. its pretty original, nothing outstanding, but honest and better than most of the pieces i have read on here.

i really thought the bolded part was the best part of it, very original and tactful.
#13
Argh, thanks guys. I appreciate the original comment cuz id hate to be writing summat same-ish =]

franz x
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.