#1
Crit for Crit here.
Honestly, I have no recollection whatsoever of writing this, but i found it in one of my old notebooks, so i though i'd throw it up to you guys.

Verse1
I killed our perfect day
Our calm and peaceful ocean
My comfort in the darkness
Faded with the setting sun

Wind whispered in my ear
Of night and promised cold
Left memories of us behind
Along with the setting sun

Chorus
Join me in one last venture
To quench the flame of our hearts
Then watch as the final sparks die down
And as the ashes crumble to the ground
We'll spend one last night together

Verse2
Rain drops echo on the window
To remind me of the silence
That clouds my vision of us
Dying with our setting sun

Chorus

Verse3
Lightning strikes my grave
The shining light of our past
Shines with the old conviction
Of us with the rising sun

Chorus
#2
Quote by AAA_the_band
Crit for Crit here.
Honestly, I have no recollection whatsoever of writing this, but i found it in one of my old notebooks, so i though i'd throw it up to you guys.

Verse1
I killed our perfect day
Our calm and peaceful ocean
My comfort in the darkness
Faded with the setting sun

This is slightly cliche, I'm sure you thought of that while writing it, but it's not bad actually.

Wind whispered in my ear
Of night and promised cold
Left memories of us behind
Along with the setting sun

You gave up on rhyming? Also I didn't think the repetition was very effective

Chorus
Join me in one last venture
To quench the flame of our hearts
Then watch as the final sparks die down
And as the ashes crumble to the ground
We'll spend one last night together

This could be really catchy with the righ tmelody. Still kind of cliche

Verse2
Rain drops echo on the window
To remind me of the silence
That clouds my vision of us
Dying with our setting sun

Don't know how the echo reminds you of silence, also i don't like the repetition still. make it echos on the widow sill, rain rarely hits the window itself except in a violent storm. Maybe that's what you're going for here

Chorus

Verse3
Lightning strikes my grave
The shining light of our past
Shines with the old conviction
Of us with the rising sun

Not bad would have liked it if you could have done something with the electricity of the lighting and relate it to the relationship

Chorus


Overall pretty good, although I dislike the repetition of the setting sun line, didn't work for me. And thought parts of it were slightly cliche and overused. Good job though.

Crit mine if you have time please:https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Jul 30, 2006,