#1
Sorry for the format. I just wrote whatever came to me, and put slashes where it stopped. I wrote this in less than 5 minutes (although I had some concepts in the back of my mind before hand). Crit for a crit. Thanks to all of you.



These Clouds (are the biggest thing I have ever seen)

...And I'm the shape of time/A line that will always stay the same/A shape that can create so much more/the shape of time is linear/it is underappreciated/overrated and unsatisfied/and it goes on forever, and goes nowhere/I am infinite but limited by the size of the paper/drawn with a crooked ruler/a small piece of paper that is always looking towards the clouds/a piece of paper too small for me to be realized/I'm as big as those clouds/but I've been drawn to the paper
Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Jul 31, 2006,
#2
...And I'm the shape of time
A line that will always stay the same
A shape that can create so much more
the shape of time is linear
it is underappreciated
overrated and unsatisfied
and it goes on forever, and goes nowhere
I am infinite but limited the size of the paper
drawn with a crooked ruler
a small suburban piece of paper that is always looking towards the clouds
a piece of paper too small for me to be realized
I'm as big as those clouds
but I've been drawn to the paper


I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar right now.

Is it about being confined and not being able to have your full potential? Cause thats what I'm getting out of it.
#4
its good and i like the idea and symbolism but the line where you say the shape of time is linear doesnt flow well. It stops the piece but the rest is good.
#5
Good song or whatever it is. The meaning seemed to really clearly be about not being able to fully express in writing (unless that was a metaphor for something else) the ideas or themes that you want to put into it.
#7
I like it actually, but once you start talking about the "piece of paper" I lose interst for some reason, starting at teh small suburban paper, because although I realize the metaphor here, it is a kind of boring principle, and the idea of being stuck in Suburbia is always kind of cliche. the rest is quite good though

Crit mine if you have time please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#8
The title is strangely familiar....
Anyway, as a piece you chose to post here I should really tear this apart since there is absolutely everything wrong about it except the ideas you had in your head. Repetition of almost every word, flow needs work, strucutre... well, yeah...

As a piece you just wrote in 5 minutes and decided "what the hell, I'll post it" - well, yeah it's quite alright, but it's such a shame you didn't take the time to make something more of it, especially when you decalred you already had the concept.

Not meaning to be harsh, I did like what was behind it, but it just seems so careless to just chuck it like this to the forum when everyone here knows that if you took only 5 more minutes this could have been a million times better.

Loved "infinite but limited".

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#9
Thanks, Carmel. I didn't like how I reused the word paper, but I couldn't think of anything to replace it.

I'm not a man of refinement, and I never spend much time working on a piece because I'm not really a song writer. I don't use these songs and record. I just write, and post, and I am done. I didn't think it was my best, but that is how I work, and my results are a little hit and miss.
#10
i really like it
yes it is confusing and all but i think i might get the message behind it but i could be wrong
i like the never being able to reach your potential feel of it
the imagery is also very nice i really like the crocked ruler one for some reason

well heres mine if you want to take a look https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402900
#12
...And I'm the shape of time/A line that will always stay the same/A shape that can create so much more/the shape of time is linear/it is underappreciated/overrated and unsatisfied/and it goes on forever, and goes nowhere/I am infinite but limited by the size of the paper/drawn with a crooked ruler/a small piece of paper that is always looking towards the clouds/a piece of paper too small for me to be realized/I'm as big as those clouds/but I've been drawn to the paper

This is very imaginitive. I really did enjoy it. The one thing I would point out as a negative is the seeming paradox of being both "underappreciated" and "overrated." Other than that, it's very good. I also think that a problem of it is how short it is. However, you seem to have a very creative mind as you came up with this piece in the first place. My suggestion would be to analyze the OTHER side of the paper. The portion that doesn't face the clouds, but faces hell, the table top, the darkness what have you. The line has a relation to that end of the paper as well, does it not? Either way, this is very creative.

Also, is the first line a play on the word "time line?" I would assume so. In which case, I love the first line. It's funny...witty...TRUE. haha. Very good.

Sorry, I keep thinking of other things to say. I've already told you how good this is and creative and all that jazz. Well, it has great imagery, but I'm not too sure I like the "crooked ruler" line. It seems like you were trying a little too hard to be poetic.

Good though...good. Those are my parting words. Well, besides a request that you crit my newest, linked as "my newest" in my sig.