#1
Write me a message from your grave,
Remind me of that bitter night and
Tell me the story of when it all came down

Hair of silk, lying naked on the floor
Drowning in a sea of blood
Lips of red fade to blue,
As she lay midst the cold night breeze

Oh how foolish of I to listen to foul voices,
Beckoning me to cross the line and draw the blade.
Succumbing to the demons that had opened the gates
And said, ?you have come home now?

This winter seems as though it well never end,
Coldness is all that I feel.
This lonely road is paved with a dull grey,
An absence of light and colour,
A stabbing reminder of when it all came down

Nothing to fill the void,
There is no reason to be found
So be it, I have come home now.

Perdition is my home?


Just fired up Word and spat something out. Didn't really have any sort of rhythm in my head to put it to, but meh.
#2
It actually conjures up some rather vivid images... the whole subject is pretty interesting, but you're right... there's a real lack of rhythm.

If you tweaked it a bit, made it more rhythmic, then you'd have a pretty good poem on your hands.

--Red
"My idea is that there is music in the air, music all around us; the world is full of it, and you simply take as much as you require." - Edward Elgar
#3
Althouhg I personally didn't like some of the imagery in the second verse the only real problem would be that I didn't like the when it all came down lines, or the stabbing reminder line, because stabbing is just too obvious a line you know? Other than that a pretty good piece.

Crit mine please, it laks rhythm aswell https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#4
^^
I would actually have to disagree with that part. I really dug the "when it all came down" lines cause it really leaves it up to the reader/listener/wha'ever's imagination to think of what and how "it" all came down. I liked that.

What I didn't like so much was the second stanza, just because I'm not a huge fan of the whole blood theme, cause there is a lot of it lately and I'm tired of it. Not to say that you weren't being original or that it doesn't fit or anything, just that I've seen it lots and frankly, need a break. In that stanza, I really liked the "hair of silk" line. I just think it could drown in something else more powerful and cold than a "sea of blood."

My last comment is that, although I did think it had a decent rhythm to it, that was totally destroyed by the Perdition thing. It's a big word; too big for this piece, in my opinion.

Overall, very decent though, keep it up!.

P.S. Red.Washburn, I enjoy your Location.
#6
Just becaue there are cold-blooded animals doesn't mean blood can be cold, blood is usually very warm as it is your own body temperature.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#7
Quote by Knife2aGunFight
Althouhg I personally didn't like some of the imagery in the second verse the only real problem would be that I didn't like the when it all came down lines, or the stabbing reminder line, because stabbing is just too obvious a line you know? Other than that a pretty good piece.

I used 'stabbing' in that line, sort of as a synonym for 'painful'. Not so much a reference to what has happened.

Quote by PunkFish182

What I didn't like so much was the second stanza, just because I'm not a huge fan of the whole blood theme, cause there is a lot of it lately and I'm tired of it. Not to say that you weren't being original or that it doesn't fit or anything, just that I've seen it lots and frankly, need a break. In that stanza, I really liked the "hair of silk" line. I just think it could drown in something else more powerful and cold than a "sea of blood."

Yeah, I'm not to fond of that line in the second stanza either. I was thinking of something along the lines of:

Hair of silk, lying naked on the floor
As candlelight dances across her face

Sought of gives the feeling of a still, quiet night.

My last comment is that, although I did think it had a decent rhythm to it, that was totally destroyed by the Perdition thing. It's a big word; too big for this piece, in my opinion.

Again, I agree. I wanted to add that line in, but couldn't really find a spot to put it. I tacked it on the end just to see what people would say about it. Maybe I can just scrap that part altogether and leave it up to the reader/listener to determine what "home" is...

Thanks for the replies people.
#8
wow i didn't know you wrote lyrics. you're a lot more wordy on ug than you are at school. nice piece by the way. reckon you could find your way over to some of my lyrics for a crit?
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