#1
Beautiful

I never thought you'd come to me,
I never thought you'd talk.
I never thought you'd listen to me,
Didn't think I'd see you walk

Cos you're way outta my league,
from the other side of the room.
You are totally beautiful,
But I'll be with you soon

So how did it come to this?
How'd you fall for me?
There's me with my silly list,
and I hope you get the jist

Now I'm not saying i'm unhappy,
Not saying I wish it'd change.
But it just ****ing confuses me,
cos you should be outta my range

But I hope that you don't leave me now,
and go back upstairs,
back upstairs to heaven, where the other angels live...

Um, yer... Crit for crit i guess, jsut something i came up with, sorta based around my gf atm
#2
Quote by chocolateman900
Beautiful

I never thought you'd come to me,
I never thought you'd talk.
I never thought you'd listen to me,
Didn't think I'd see you walk

^ I like the way you interrupted the pattern in the song as the pattern was interrupted in the story. Nice!

Cos you're way outta my league,
from the other side of the room.
You are totally beautiful,
But I'll be with you soon

^ This is a bit that I'll have to hear sung. I can definately imagine it, though. Good work on avoiding the James Blunt line... just!

So how did it come to this?
How'd you fall for me?
There's me with my silly list,
and I hope you get the jist

^ This bit doesn't do much for me. It seems a little forced. It's a key part in the story, which means it deserves to be a little more thought out.

Now I'm not saying i'm unhappy,
Not saying I wish it'd change.
But it just ****ing confuses me,
cos you should be outta my range

Compared to the gentler feel to the other 'bits', the contrast here really works. You can tell the character is absolutely gutted. I like.

But I hope that you don't leave me now,
and go back upstairs,
back upstairs to heaven, where the other angels live...

^ A great conclusion with a memorable line. I can see that last line popping up in random MSN display names.

Um, yer... Crit for crit i guess, jsut something i came up with, sorta based around my gf atm


Good work overall, just that one section that needs a little bit of lovin'.

Feel free to crit my latest song!

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=404924
#3
Thanks for the crit, althought the 3rd verse would maybe make more sense if ppl knew the backstory, which nobody will but ohwell, it was cos the lass who is now my gf I met during rehearsals for this play, and during rehearsals one day me and another female friend of mine made a lsit of funny words, cos we were jsut bored
#4
I agree with the other guy, the list-jist thing seems kinda forced even if it wasn't, and I didn't like the second verse. The rest of the song was great.

Crit my newest song?
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#5
We like this a lot. I sang it to myself as if it were a jazzy sort of song, I really liked it that way, but it's your song. I wish it was my song though, because it is quite good. T hat is all. actually thats not all, I would take out the f-word, because it seems VERY out of place.
Last edited by WOODnotes at Jul 31, 2006,