#1
First, is kinda like Soilwork I guess....... It has the same type of structure as on of their songs...... Although I must admit, it doesnt entirely make much sense to me, cause i just kinda wrote it.......

Suicidal Insanity

v1
Seizures come and go
Violent tremors writhing through me
I've had my share of agony.
My nerves are dying
It numbs the pain
As my mind goes crazy
This is suicidal insanity
I've lost my strength
I'm losing my clarity
What then, my sanity?

v2
My mind collapses
My vision's becoming skewed
Suicide doesnt sound so bad
Psychiatrist lies blaze through my head,
I've lost my strength
I'm losing my clarity,
What then, my sanity?

Chorus
I need a saviour
My mind is falling
And I'm losing the will to live
As I brace for the final collapse
I need a saviour

v3
No use for your frustration
No use for your inspiring talk
I'm losing my faith
I go through the motions,
But I just want to die
Suicide doesnt sound so bad
I've lost my strength
I'm losing my clarity,
What then, my sanity?

Chorus
I need a saviour
My mind is falling
And I'm losing the will to live
As I brace for the final collapse
I need a saviour

v1
Seizures come and go
Violent tremors writhing through me
I've had my share of agony.
My nerves are dying
It numbs the pain
As my mind goes crazy
This is suicidal insanity
I've lost my strength
I'm losing my clarity
What then, my sanity?
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
Last edited by Burning_Angel at Aug 1, 2006,
#2
I think it's pretty cool. Easy enough to understand. I think it'd work pretty well with an Industrial Rock type of style. Nice job!
#3
Yea, industrial, tech death, melo death, like Soilwork.....

And btw, I'm not suicidal myself, its just the stuff i write.....
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
Last edited by Burning_Angel at Jul 31, 2006,
#4
definitly pretty kool, some mental images goin on in ma head haha.. seems pretty chill.. get sum guitar riffs down for that.. could be sum kinda heavy metal song
#5
My thoughts exactly..... I wish I could create soilwork esque riffs....
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#6
Quote by Burning_Angel
First, is kinda like Soilwork I guess....... It has the same type of structure as on of their songs...... Although I must admit, it doesnt entirely make much sense to me, cause i just kinda wrote it.......

Suicidal Insanity

v1
Seizures come and go
Violent tremors writhing through me
I've had my share of pain
My nerves are dying
It numbs the pain
As my mind goes crazy
This is suicidal insanity
I've lost my strength
I'm losing my clarity
What then, my sanity?
The imagery in this section is pretty good. I don't like the repitition of the word "pain" though.

v2
My mind collapses
My vision's becoming skewed
Suicide doesnt soind so bad
Psychiatrist lies blaze through my head,
I'm ****ed up.
I've lost my strength
I'm losing my clarity,
What then, my sanity?
Already I feel bogged by the words, "I'm" and "my." I don't know why, but repetition does tend to bother me and I've read the entire thing already. So, I know there's more of those words to come. Anyway, I do like how you tie together the verses with the end-piece. Also, I'd take out the curse. I know many people use them to make something more pronounced, but one word in an entire song always seems out of place and gratuitous.

Chorus
I need a saviour
My mind is falling
And I'm losing the will to live
As I brace for the final collapse
I need a saviour
this is pretty good. Iunno what to say about it really. It's good.

v3
No use for your frustration
No use for your inspiring talk
I'm losing my faith
Pain is taking over
I just want to die
Suicide doesnt sound so bad now
I've lost my strength
I'm losing my clarity,
What then, my sanity?
the only problem I have with this is the fact that it says the pain is taking over when the first verse clearly stated that the dying nerves were numbing the pain.

Chorus
I need a saviour
My mind is falling
And I'm losing the will to live
As I brace for the final collapse
I need a saviour

v1
Seizures come and go
Violent tremors writhing through me
I've had my share of pain
My nerves are dying
It numbs the pain
As my mind goes crazy
This is suicidal insanity
I've lost my strength
I'm losing my clarity
What then, my sanity?


It's pretty good all together. I give it about a 6.5/10. It could use some work to make it sound less repetitive.
#7
Yeah, I just kinda wrote it, didnt change it up to make it less repetitive...... Maybe riffs can fix that, Idk.......

Edit 1: Idk, I just read comments, I want to fix the third verse and stuff, maybe I'll get to that.......

Edit 2: i changed some lines, took out one line, made it a little better I suppose.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
Last edited by Burning_Angel at Jul 31, 2006,
#8
I changed it up a bit, I wanna see some opinions of it now.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#9
It was good. Good writing, and flow. Overall, it was a good job, nothing more.
#10
K then, thanks, I guess.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#13
I realize it would sound better a little less repetitive, but, I'm braindead at the moment..
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#14
Right alignment = not so much fun. Also... why can't we just stick to black writing? Red is tough to see clearly when you're looking closely at it.

Anyway, I thought it was a decent attempt. I agree, a lot of pain, agony stuff which I always feel shouldn't be used unless the song is about actual physical pain, and I'm not usually a huge fan of the dark, agonizing stuff because it often seems to just repeat "i feel like crap, i'm hurting" in a million different ways, but I didn't feel like this did that. I give it 7/10. Not bad, my friend...not bad.
- PunkFish