#1
Soldier
------------

as you walk away
you hear everyone crying
you think about what it will be like
will you survive

as you board the ship
you see everyone waving goodbye
you start to cry
thinking of how much you will miss them

the life of a soldier is not easy
it seperates you from family and friends
but thats the price you pay to be a soldier

as you arrive at the base
you start to train
getting ready for anything
you fight hard but is it hard enough

as you hear the captain say
get ready boys we have a mission to do
you load up on your guns
and get ready for war

the life of a soldier is not easy
it seperates you from family and friends
but thats the price you pay to be a soldier

as you rush onto the battlefield
you unleash a load of bullets
killing all in your path
your heart begs you to stop but you know you can't

as you are knocked to the ground
you realize you have been hit
you know you are dead
when you see a light you know it's time

the life of a soldier is not easy
it seperates you from family and friends
but thats the price you pay to be a soldier
#2
This is a really good song. It's pretty emotional - but not in an emo way- and has good imagery. To me it seems kind of "wake me up when september ends"-esqu. Anyway, I like it very much.
#3
Its really good but the line "as you board the ship" Ship should be changed to Bus or Train to be accurate, because ships were only used to transport soldiers *after* training to places such as Illution Islands (WW2) or England (WW 1 & 2).
so a Bus, or a train (if you want it to be an "old war" style song) would make more sense.
But thats just me bein nitpickey.

Listen to the song The War By Lucero (look it up on You Tube). its a good song like this one.

this would be best as an acoustic song or a slow electric song.
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Last edited by Ranger01 at Aug 1, 2006,
#4
i liked the overall story of the song, if you could make it rhyme in a very coherient way it would make it a lot more powerfull
When the power of love conquers the love of power, the world will know peice- hendrix
#6
Sorry, but I actually didn't like this one at all. It was incredibly bland, and almost monotone. Did this, did that, you're dead. You need to spice it up. The way you jsut wrote everythign that was happening did nothing for me. There's no imagery/metaphors ... which makes it boring. Good idea and all but eh....as I said, wasn't interesting at all.
#7
Lyrically it's great. Flow wise, not as great. Work on the flow a bit without changing the lyrical idea too much. Good work.

Crit one of mine?
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#8
"you fight hard but is it hard enough"

That's a great line, by far the best one in the whole poem.

Overall, this has some good ideas in it, and the theme is also good. However, too many of the lines are different lengths, and there's no rhyme scheme. Make it rhyme, make it flow, and you could have something superb. This is barely medocre as it is.
#10
That's pretty good for a first song. I thought the second verse/stanza was hard to flow thoug. The 'as you board your ship' one. I would have scratch out goodbye in the second line and rewrite the last line into: thinking of how you'll miss them. Other than that it's solid.
Please crit mine if you can,
Before Eternity's Gone
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=410521