#1
not that great of a song that still needs work. i wont lie. if you guys want to help me revise, that would be helpful.


It seems like everyday is tough
and everynight can be so rough
i finally know what ive to say
but now you've up and gone away

whats that song you sang
when we were up at 3 AM
i cant remember any words
i just remember all the chords
and i'll play
ohhh so i'll play
for you

It seems like everyday is tough
and everynight can be so rough
i finally know what ive to say
but now you've up and gone away

if its time for me to burn away
i'll take my vices home today
and i wont run
but i will stay in my room
and still be gone
still be gone astray
i shwung and i shwinged
but it never really shwang
#2
Simply stated: "-ay." One thing I would work on is variety in your rhyme-scheme. There's only one rhyme that doesn't end in "-ay," and it's the only other one in the entire piece.

Secondly, for it's length. I would suggest not giving it a chorus, and instead, adding another verse. However, there is always the option of lengthening it, which, by default, adds another verse (or more).

I can vividly imagine music accompanying this, and in my head, it's an acoustic country song. What were you actually going for?

I think it's a great song as a whole, and conveys a good deal of emotion. However, I think it would be much better if you added more to it.

..and if you could make time to crit my song, "Alice: in the K-hole" that'd be swell, but no big deal if not...
#3
i think its really good. there was only two lines in there that if this was my work i would consider rewriting. these would be the "ohh so ill play" because from reading this i think you'd be able to come up with somthing more creative and original.( its the ohhhh part that gives it an unoriginal feel) and i would also rewrite the last line, just doesnt flow.
When the power of love conquers the love of power, the world will know peice- hendrix