#1
This isn't anything huge in my opinion, but I decided to post it anyways. Basically, my girlfriend told me to write a rap for her, so excuse the really "John Mayer-esque" lines. Anyways, I don't have a name for it or anything, and I only have two verses, so this is probably my second shortest (next to "Fate of the Lesser"). So here goes:
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Girl, I got love for you
I want you to know that
And I want you so happy
And I love when you laugh
I want to hug you
Cuddle you
Kiss you up and snuggle you
But tell me when it's too much
Cause I don't wanna smother you
Cause you're the best girl I've had the please of meetin'
And the first time we locked eyes
Damn was my heart beatin'
And I wrote this song to tell you, girl, what really I'm feelin'
That I need you so much
This one's for you, sweet thing

Chorus
I want to hug, kiss you
Curl up with you tight
I want to be with you, please won't you
Let me hold you all night
So we can watch the stars, up afar
And wish we were up there too
You with me, girl, and me with you

Girl, I love it when you smile
You can feel that glow for miles
And when you groove, lady
Oh damn, is it wild
But I ain't here to impress you
With money, cars, or bling
Cause listen here, now
I've got none of those things
And the stuff I do have
I don't flaunt, it ain't me
I'm the string silent type
Except on the mic
But even up there, girl
I ain't one to fight
Cause the stuff I feel passion for is all that I write
The world's problems, my feelings, and you
That's right

Chorus
#2
sorry man, but I really didn't like this one... probably because of the John Mayer-esque lines. I'm really not a fan of that style of writing... I mean, to each his own, I just find John Mayer's writing style annoying. The only reason I'm posting this is that I really don't see this working as a rap song. Like if you wrote it to acoustic, that's one thing.. but I can't see it coming together as a rap song. I mean,
And I want you so happy
And I love when you laugh
I want to hug you
Cuddle you
Kiss you up and snuggle you
But tell me when it's too much
Cause I don't wanna smother you

That doesn't really seem to fit in as a rap... I'm glad to see you trying to broaden your material, and love songs are good and all, but I think this one comes off like a cheesy john mayer (like you mentioned) song. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, just being honest... I'd give it another shot, you've got some talent...
#3
What can i say...Can i borrow this for my girlfriend!!!Please...seriously.lol. Great job, Nothing to crit. You'll get huge man if you keep it up. Be sure to send me my 0.5 % for supporting you.
#4
^God damn, man, you are my most positive reader! Even when I think "Oh this sucks, but I'll post it anyways", you're always like, "Yeah man, you kick ass, man, keep it up" You're like the cheerleader my parents deprived me of as a child.
Quote by a-user-name
sorry man, but I really didn't like this one... probably because of the John Mayer-esque lines. I'm really not a fan of that style of writing... I mean, to each his own, I just find John Mayer's writing style annoying. The only reason I'm posting this is that I really don't see this working as a rap song. Like if you wrote it to acoustic, that's one thing.. but I can't see it coming together as a rap song. I mean,
And I want you so happy
And I love when you laugh
I want to hug you
Cuddle you
Kiss you up and snuggle you
But tell me when it's too much
Cause I don't wanna smother you

That doesn't really seem to fit in as a rap... I'm glad to see you trying to broaden your material, and love songs are good and all, but I think this one comes off like a cheesy john mayer (like you mentioned) song. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, just being honest... I'd give it another shot, you've got some talent...

Well, I know its not my best, but I was writing for a girl here, who likes John Mayer, and you know how girls are.... But anyways, I got the dumbass idea to, say, post it on UG, so I did. Dammit, I totally just squandered my 2 songs for this week. Oh well, I'll delete this if I come up with something good.
Last edited by MastaBassist10 at Aug 1, 2006,
#5
your definitly a good writer. i dont listen to or care for much rap but your rhymes seem to stay on topic unlike a lot of rap that tends to drift to other topics in almost every other line. this is definitly one of the strongest features of all the writings of your that i've read. keep it up...........
When the power of love conquers the love of power, the world will know peice- hendrix
#6
Quote by ryank2
your definitly a good writer. i dont listen to or care for much rap but your rhymes seem to stay on topic unlike a lot of rap that tends to drift to other topics in almost every other line. this is definitly one of the strongest features of all the writings of your that i've read. keep it up...........

Well, its good to know that someone thinks I can write a good love song. My girlfriend and I were talking about how all I write about is "world issues", and she said "Hey Daniel, why don't you write a love song?", and I was like "Well, Alex, I don't think I can, you know, its not something I'm very good at", and she gave me the old "For me?" and such, so I had to. I hope she likes it.
#8
Dude when I first started to read it i didn't like it but after a few lines it really picked up. I liked it and not just a little, i liked it alot. and i love the part where you say you don't try to impress with your money, cars, and bling, because i hate it when rappers do that, yeah yeah i know they are rich but name a famous rapper that doesn't have money all they're doing is showing off. so thats what i think about your song its where its at. We think you should write a funny rap now, you've covered every other topic. well keep up the good work dawg. Peace, WOODnotes
#10
I like it, if I guy wrote that for me just because I asked him too I'b be impressed
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#11
Quote by a-user-name
if she likes john mayer, I'm sure she'll like it... it's probably up to par with what he writes. I'll give you this, you wrote a song on demand.... if I even had a girl, and she asked me to write one, I know that I couldn't do any better.. if do it at all...


Agreed. Though there are errors, like the fact it doesn't fit rap, you had to write a song on the spot for a girl, which I don't konw anyone that could. Great work.

Crit one of my new ones?
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#12
I'm sorry, but this is very cliche. Very, very, cliche. The flow wasn't especially good, either. Also, your verbs seemed a bit weak. They lacked energy, maybe because they were cliche. Sorry to tear your work apart, man...but this needs a rewrite. Sorry, man... It will definitely work for your girl, however; good luck with that.

Can you please crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=405477
#13
^I knwo its cliche, but you know, its for a girl, and, as Kelix proved, girls like this kind of stuff, so I'm fine with it being cliche.
#14
It was decent. I can't really crit it though, because I can't picture how the song would be rapped. It seems like it would be a song that you sung slowly.

I preffered you other song, Slave to the Dollar.
I LOVE YOU JESUS CHRIIIIST
JESUS CHRIST I LOVE YOU
YES I DOOOO