#1
this is a song our bassist wrote, im posting it here cause she wants some unbiased crit and you guys know what your talking about. I think its amazing but anyway... ready
steady
dont be mean
[ WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? ][A LACK OF SPINE, NO FRIEND OF MINE]
Can I tell you?
Can I, please?
Can??? I?
Can I tell you how [audible breathing into the mic][GROW THE **** UP][I WANT TO DISASSEMBLE YOU PIECE BY PIECE][YOU LEFT US HANGING & NOW I CAN SHOW YOU][this will sink you][false friends and ego][You became a boy]

CHORUS. THING.

I hate you so much it makes my throat ache.
"Why should we subsidise intellectual curiosity?"
-Ronald Reagan

"Knowledge is in every country the surest basis of public happiness."
-George Washington
Last edited by Ur all $h1t at Aug 1, 2006,
#3
Quote by Ur all $h1t

There?s a shift in the air,
Something you cannot bare.
It?s coming from friends who never loved you
It?s so easy to leave when your not being left behind
So tell me, how are these new friends treating you?
first of all, cyan is a hard colour to see. Don't use it. Keep it black. You'll never go back. To be honest, I didn't think the first lines were anything to write home about, alright, but nothing great. I did think it ended on a high note with the last 2 lines, though. Not bad overall

CHORUS, thing. Chorus thing? Is it the chorus or not? Have a little confidence in your (or her) work.

I can spin you a line of false meaning
and make you believe every word.
I can tell you of shattered bones and
broke down whispers.
I can tell you of something that cuts
deeper than a knife.
I can tell you how I broke my own heart,
But everyone told me to leave out that part.
I love this. Don't change it.
You call this ?what anyone would do?
But? **** YOU and your lack of modesty
and **** THIS and everything around you.
This is everything I got myself into,
And nothing I can get myself out of.
This bit isn't so great. Too blunt, too simple. Maybe emotional, but just comes off to strong with the tone you set earlier. I'd get rid of it, just makes things muddy.[ WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? ][A LACK OF SPINE, NO FRIEND OF MINE]
Can I tell you?
Can I, please?
Can??? I?
Can I tell you how [audible breathing into the mic][GROW THE **** UP][I WANT TO DISASSEMBLE YOU PIECE BY PIECE][YOU LEFT US HANGING & NOW I CAN SHOW YOU]
I'm not sure how I feel about this. If anything, the part that I assume is screamed, is better than the sung/spoke part. The jury's still out for me on this. It does seem awkward though. Wrong tone like that second part of the chorus.[this will sink you][false friends and ego][You became a boy]
I like this.
CHORUS. THING.

I hate you so much it makes my throat ache.I don't understand this, but it's probably fine there in the end. Confusion in small doses never hurt.


Very decent. Just try to keep some consistency in pace and tone and you'll be golden.
Cheers,
- PunkFish.