#1
This song's super fast (well, by my standards). I try to make it really driving with the lyrics fast and the chords all 16ths with palm-mute/accent on beat. Anyway, that's irrelevant to the lyrics, so here you go:

Verse 1
He tries to be quiet, she's already wide awake.
Tucked under the blankets hoping he will go away.
The dead-bolt she forgot suddenly springs into her mind
She knows if she doesn't do something tonight's her night to die.

Verse 2
Footsteps coming closer as she hides behind the door
clinging tightly to the gun she's never had to shoot before.
He smiles as he sees her in the light cast in her room.
She shuts her eyes and squeezes and she's deafened by the boom.

Chorus
Hail Mary, full of grace
What has happened to the human race
We were happy, life was good
Now we're abandoned, one more forgotten hood.

Verse 3
Sir is overwhelmed and sir is looking underfed
A PhD earned back in China but here he can't pay his rent.
One night, closing shop, he get's two bullets in the head
From a 16-year-old gangsta who wants to smoke some cigarettes.

Chorus
Hail Mary, full of grace
What has happened to the human race
We were happy, life was good
Now we're abandoned, one more forgotten hood.
**********

Like it? Hate it? Want to change it? Let me know.
Cheers, and thanks in advance.
#2
Wow.

Just wow.

That was such a moving song.

Seriously one of the best I've ever read. Verses one and two keep you reading/listening, and the rest of it is just amazing. I can't wait to hear the song.

Crit one of my new songs?
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Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#3
HAIL MARY THAT WAS GREAT

Dude, that right there, is perfection. You address serious social issues, and keep it interesting. The rhyme scheme was executed perfectly. Verse 1 and 2 make you say "What's going to happen next?" And the chorus adds sorrow into the song. Verse 3 wraps it up and makes it a perfect song. If Monet wrote songs this would be his masterpiece.

Can you crit mine? It's called Memories...here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=405477

If you're this good at writing, I definitely want your review of mine.
#5
Verse 1
He tries to be quiet, she's already wide awake.
Tucked under the blankets hoping he will go away.
The dead-bolt she forgot suddenly springs into her mind
She knows if she doesn't do something tonight's her night to die.

Interesting start. It pulls the listener - reader in this case - in. Makes them wonder what's going on, why she's going to die. I like.

Verse 2
Footsteps coming closer as she hides behind the door
Clinging tightly to the gun she's never had to shoot before.
He smiles as he sees her in the light cast in her room.
She shuts her eyes and squeezes and she's deafened by the boom.

Different ryhme scheme to the first verse; that's good as it offers a little diversity in the flow of the words. Again, the verse is quite good, keeps the audience wondering what's happening. A bit of description would've been good, but it works well without.

Chorus
Hail Mary, full of grace
What has happened to the human race
We were happy, life was good
Now we're abandoned, one more forgotten hood.

The last line doesn't work I don't think. Nice use of religious tones, and the first two lines in particular are good, the third line is so-so but the last line doesn't really work. The rhyme seems almost forced, and doesn't quite play too much in with the story of the song so far. I'd rewrite the last two lines.

Verse 3
Sir is overwhelmed and sir is looking underfed
A PhD earned back in China but here he can't pay his rent.
One night, closing shop, he get's two bullets in the head
From a 16-year-old gangsta who wants to smoke some cigarettes.

Ok, at this point the last line of the chorus makes sense, but this verse doesn't quite fit the story. I'm assuming I've misunderstood, but when did the shift from a man entering - I assume - a room where a young girl is waiting to shoot him in defence of something, to a man on closing his shop getting shot by a chav?
Aside from my own misunderstanding though, I really like this verse. The last line seems a bit forced, could do with rewording the 'who wants to smoke cigarettes' part, but the rest of the verse is really very, very good.


Chorus
Hail Mary, full of grace
What has happened to the human race
We were happy, life was good
Now we're abandoned, one more forgotten hood.
**********

Like it? Hate it? Want to change it? Let me know.
Cheers, and thanks in advance.

Well I lost the plot of the story at the end, but that's probably just my own misunderstanding of the first two verses. Otherwise, quite well written, and the last verse in particular really stands out as very well written.
#6
Thanks dude, I appreciate it. I'm actually not sure where you see the different rhyme scheme in Verse 1 from V2, unless it's just the fact that the rhyming words are different. And the guy getting shot in his store is meant to be two examples of what's happening in the community; the girl with the intruder/predator, and the guy in his store...two problems the neighbourhood is facing. Thanks for the comment though. Anything else I should do? Things you hate? Things you like, anyone?
- PunkFish
#7
holy mary mother of god, that was good, i read it super fast to keep up with the super fast theme that u sed u got going, so what style is it, sounds kinda thrashish to me coming fomr the speed its in???

but what can i say,

Footsteps coming closer as she hides behind the door
clinging tightly to the gun she's never had to shoot before.
He smiles as he sees her in the light cast in her room.
She shuts her eyes and squeezes and she's deafened by the boom

this verse to be is the best, it flows really smoothly, its veyr moving

i found the whoel song moving, keep up the good work, wow


can u crit my song please, , links in the sig
PSN: Noverion
#8
I agree with some evil dude. The last line in the chorus is a bit of a stumbling block in a work that has a very good, if somewhat unusual, sense of flow. Good job all in all.
#9
yeah man really good. the last line in chorus seems wierd, could u reword it to make it like shorter? overall though really good

can u crit back? link in sig
#10
i thought that was really funny. the chorus was really well written in my opinion
Green Day rox!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#12
Verse 1
He tries to be quiet, she's already wide awake.
Tucked under the blankets hoping he will go away.
The dead-bolt she forgot suddenly springs into her mind
She knows if she doesn't do something tonight's her night to die.
Good flow. As I've already read the whole song, I'd like to comment that this stanza, early on, sets a high standard for imagery that you carried out through the entire song. It's good.

Verse 2
Footsteps coming closer as she hides behind the door
clinging tightly to the gun she's never had to shoot before.
He smiles as he sees her in the light cast in her room.
She shuts her eyes and squeezes and she's deafened by the boom.
Once again, nice flow and imagery. Nothing wrong with this stanza.

Chorus
Hail Mary, full of grace
What has happened to the human race
We were happy, life was good
Now we're abandoned, one more forgotten hood.
I love this as well. The only thing I would say COULD be changed, but it's not a big deal, is the very last portion. "One more forgotten hood" in my opinion, narrows the subject down. It seems to me, this is a universal theme, and should be kept that way. People have become more and more screwed up from the RUBBLE to the RITZ. The entire song should reflect that. However, there could be some reason you want it like that, that works for you, and that all good too.

Verse 3
Sir is overwhelmed and sir is looking underfed
A PhD earned back in China but here he can't pay his rent.
One night, closing shop, he get's two bullets in the head
From a 16-year-old gangsta who wants to smoke some cigarettes.
Moving, and like the other verses, it contains good flow and imagery.

Chorus
Hail Mary, full of grace
What has happened to the human race
We were happy, life was good
Now we're abandoned, one more forgotten hood.


It's an great song. Short, but to the point, and it'svery moving. I like it.