#1
One walk along the riverside
Resurrected old memories like ghosts
It drained all the happiness from me
Like a parasite; I am the host

A scan from left to right
Reminds me how much we could have gained
That one night you climbed the Tallest Tree
And from the yellow-tinged brances, called me names

That once we walked in silence
Under a sunset composed of red and grey
Not a word was spoken; Only the water talked
But we knew what the other would say

This is the first time I've walked here alone
This is the last.
My ghost will wander here with those of our memories
A rope and the Tallest Tree will claim my life fast.

Crit for crit!
Last edited by lespaul_rentals at Aug 1, 2006,
#2
I like this one. I love the imagery.

That once we walked in silence
Under a sunset composed of red and grey
Not a word was spoken; Only the water talked
But we knew what the other would say

That's my favorite part. Keep it up.
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#6
Quote by lespaul_rentals
One walk along the riverside
Resurrected old memories like ghosts
It drained all the happiness from me
Like a parasite; I am the host
Hey. I like this, my only suggestion is that the semi-colon feels to me like it breaks the rhythm too much. If I were to make any suggestion, it would be to change the semi-colon to an "and".

A scan from left to right
Reminds me how much we could have gained
That one night you climbed the Tallest Tree
And from the yellow-tinged brances, called me names
I'm not sure I like the 'called me names' part. Feels a little too quick/easy an ending to me.

That once we walked in silence
Under a sunset composed of red and grey
Not a word was spoken; Only the water talked
But we knew what the other would say
I love the "Only the water talked" part. Really cool imagery in this stanza. My favourite.

This is the first time I've walked here alone
This is the last.
My ghost will wander here with those of our memories
A rope and the Tallest Tree will claim my life fast.
I like that first line especially, but this whole stanza is cool.


Very decent song. I'd say about 8.5/10.

And thanks for the crit. Hope what I said helped a little, though I don't think I added much.
Cheers,
- PunkFish
#7
Thats pretty awsome, not really my style but none the less, they are great lyrics! Any chance u'd crit my song?
MIA Fender Strat
Yamaha FG-450S
Crafter 12 string
Orange Rocker 30 combo
Vox AC30CC2
Epi Valve Junior
Fulltone Clyde
Danelectro Free Speech
T.C. Electronic Vintage Dual Distortion
Boss MIJ GE-7 (c1987)
Boss TU2
MXR Phase 90
Artec delay
#9
That is definitly awesome. The only thing I didn't like was this
Not a word was spoken; Only the water talked
I don't like that line ending with "talked", for some reason it didn't sound right to me, but this is an awesome song.
#10
yeah ots really good, i really liked it, man, good job, beautiful imagery, as already mentioned.

can you crit Found Myself, my latest, its in my sig?