#1
Bear with me just few more words
So I can improvise a getaway;
Perhaps Parley -
Which will allow me to expose, with little stress,
The breeding ground that is my mind,
A thief among mocked princes.

Shall I give you the pleasure
Of an effortless small talk,
Or perhaps you feel daring today?
And Descartes, Hobbes and Locke
Will be used as décor
In our sleazy bar version of verbal foreplay.

Bear with me just few more looks,
Through smoked and drunken sight,
Alas, you surely saw through me -
For I have heard you, silently,
Bid me goodnight.
This is not a pipe
Last edited by carmel_l at Aug 6, 2006,
#2
Sounds like a lullaby, a grown-up lullaby, but a lullaby nonetheless. Its Really good, and i hope you put some good music or something to it. 8.5/10
Quote by KaMiKaZi90
"Mr. Owl? How many strokes does it take to make my little man explode?"
"Lets find out! One! Two! Three!"
*Crunch*
""
#3
I thought the first stanza as okay, not as good as the remainder.

2nd and 3rd were flat out amazing. I'm specifically fond of the 2nd stanza, the flow is flawless.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
Thank you guys.

Culex, can you tell me what you find to be the down point of the first stanza? I would appreciate that.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#5
i thought it was oke... i especially liked the second and last stanza...
although i think this isnt your best work, ive seen you do better... its still good though

Steph
Boo!
#6
Ehm.. I don't know if I get it but I like it.. sorry if this is not much help but I do like it
Quote by ACG

In conclusion, I'm gay.


Mud Sergeant of the Primus Sucks Club. PM StratEnRegalia to join.

"Member of the Frank Zappa Fan Club. PM deadhead313313 to join."
#7
I like it.

It's always nice to see such subtle use of rhyming. Like culex mentioned, the flow throughout seemed exquisite. Although perhaps you could remove the comas surrounding 'silently', so as to increase the speed of you being bid goodnight.

Quite a 'mooky' theme, but very interesting and captivating.
#8
Thank you, took your advice about the comma, I toyed with both options, but I agree I chose the wrong one. Don't really know how to react to 'mooky'... to be honest. But If that's what you saw in it, then it's yours to see.

Thank you Steph.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#9
Sorry I'm late with this, bare in mind that I'm in no position to crit actual writers' work, and that is just my opinion.

If you'll take another look at the 2nd and 3rd, you'll see that they have brilliant internal rhyme, intentional or not, that the 1st stanza has less of. They just seem better written overall.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
I've been deliberating over this since the day you posted it. I'm really not sure what to make of it, meaning-wise. I like it, but kind of...vaguely, since I'm totally unsure of what it's really about.

"Bear with me just few more words" - I don't quite understand why this doesn't say "a few more words". Is this intentional/significant, or just an oversight? I mean, it still makes perfect grammatical sense and all, but it sounds slightly off, to me (perhaps only to me), because the phrase, I think, is usually: "a few more words".

Okay, about the 'silently' commas. The way you originally had it was right. By right I mean only grammatically correct, etc. Not necessarily 'artistically' right or wrong, but you know what I mean. The way you have it now is bad, like, punctually. Either have commas on either side of "silently" or have none around it at all. It reads pretty weird; the way you have it now.
*Unless, of course, you mean "Bid me" in the imperative sense and for the adverb silently not to describe how he/she does the bidding, but rather how you hear. But I get the impression you don't mean it that way...? Sorry for getting all technical on ya, I know it's probably annoying, especially when you just want your theme(s) to be heard.

Hmm, last piece had "Solo" in the title, this 'un has "Single"...running theme(s)? "A thief among mocked princes" - This here line boggles my mind. There's nothing wrong with it, far from it, I just can't for the life of me figure out what the hell it could mean! *shakes fist* Maybe I'm an idiot for not 'getting' any of this...

"Or perhaps you feel daring today?
And Descartes, Hobbes and Locke
Will be used as décor
In our sleazy bar version of verbal foreplay.
"
This part is awesome and in the very way that I think is most difficult to achieve, too. It finishes so strong. Something about "version" with "verbal" and then the end-rhyme of "play". Personally, I really, really like it, anyway. Pro's rhyme like this (Hehe, if the concept of a 'professional' poet isn't too, like, absurd or whatever)!

Oh, yeah, I meant to ask; do Descartes, Hobbes and Locke per se have any particular significance? I mean, other than that they're mentioned as topics of conversation?

Overall, I quite like this. To me it seems well-crafted and even if your theme didn't shine through to me, it's no big deal. I believe it's good writing and if nothing else that bodes well for the next thing you'll write, which I personally might find infinitely more expressive.

CJ - mooky?

Hope all's well. Ro

P.S. Descartes walks into a bar, orders a pint and drinks it.
Barkeeps asks if he wants another. Descartes replies, "I think not".
And vanishes.
ρ