#1
did I break the yo-yo string
just trying to make it sleep?
well, we'll see.

hey wait, let me explain
that I'm ashamed of my
whack-a-mole ways
and making you pay to play

I'm just looking for a way out of checkmate

so when I show up at your workplace
don't look so amazed
I just came to say good game
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
Last edited by less than that at Aug 3, 2006,
#4
Mike, that first stanza was very well-done, especially with the play on words. In a way, I didn't like the use of "whack-a-mole," while its a fun game to play and I understand why you used it, it just didnt seem to flow well to me. Not flow as in, reading it, but flow as in taking away from the meaning making it a bit more....ugh, I dont know the word. But yea, thats like the only thing I didnt like. Everything else I did. I like the ending too, GG Mike, GG
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#5
did I break the yo-yo string
just trying to make it sleep?
well we'll see
I really liked the opening. Kept me interested in how this will be presented. I thought maybe you could have punctuated the last line a bit, just to ease the reading a bit more.

hey wait, let me explain
that I'm ashamed of my
whack-a-mole ways
and making you pay to play
Loved this one. Flow and wording were just beautiful.

I'm just looking for a way out of checkmate
Can't even explain how much this line meant to me. This was just in time and so well put.

so when I show up at your workplace
don't look so amazed
I just came to say good game
The ending made me smile, and just made the piece come together.

I like the way you take simple words and expressions and use them in such a clever way to imploy your ideas.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#6
hmm. why do you feel it doesn't fit? I thought it was an accurate representation of what I was trying to convey but I could be wrong. I'd like to hear your reasoning (if you've got a minute, I understand if you're busy).

yeah, I'm planning on leaving it this short. the music for it only runs for a minute and a half tops (I haven't timed it) but there's a companion song b that I plan on going into straight from this so it should be alright.

Carmel- I'll throw in a comma and period for ya ;-)

thanks a lot guys
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in