#1
Yeah.. I tried being pretentious with loads of silly metaphors.. probably unsucessfully but meh

Cut from the finest wood
Your beautifull nature by all understood
And flowing like wind
Through hearts made of air
Telling them do not dispair

But underneath that exterior game
Lying in shadows your true self in shame
Tossing and turning and withering away
But darling do not dismay
Darling do not dismay

For every breath you will take
And every decision you make
I will watch for you, be with you
Care for you, live for you
Now you will know what a true love can hold

Just like a poisenous snake
The darkness inside you will try to escape
And deep in your heart
You will know it's not smart
But who has the right to your say?

Where has the spirit of nature gone?
The dancing soul of life

For every breath you will take
And every decision you make
I will watch for you, be with you
Care for you, livr for you
Now you will know what a true love can hold

Please just see that your ways have gone bad
With all of these flames you just make yourself sad
And friends will be lost and forgotten to you
That promise you gave me was that a lie too?
When your drifting off into far away dreams
And reality is holding onto its seams
I will be too and thinking of you
Remember we were the same
Remember we were the same
Quote by ACG

In conclusion, I'm gay.


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#2
this good man.. good good i like it.. good imagry use.. like the part: "through hearts made of air" i think it was.. (Y) good job!
#3
Quote by Lacquer_Head
Yeah.. I tried being pretentious with loads of silly metaphors.. probably unsucessfully but meh

Cut from the finest wood
Your beautifull nature by all understood
And flowing like wind
Through hearts made of air
Telling them do not dispair

Not too bad for a start. The metaphors sounded to me like a lot of metaphors attempted by musicians to express a love song. Its not bad or anything, its just nothing unique or exceptional.

But underneath that exterior game
Lying in shadows your true self in shame
Tossing and turning and withering away
But darling do not dismay
Darling do not dismay

Ok writing. The flow seems to get lost but the way it gets put to music is going to determine that.

For every breath you will take
And every decision you make
I will watch for you, be with you
Care for you, live for you
Now you will know what a true love can hold

Not much differant from the last verse. The writing is fine but Im still not seeing anything that strikes me as unique.

Just like a poisenous snake
The darkness inside you will try to escape
And deep in your heart
You will know it's not smart
But who has the right to your say?

I don't perticularly like the writing in this on its own, but I thought it helped to keep up the imagery you've been building so far so its not too bad IMO.

Where has the spirit of nature gone?
The dancing soul of life

For every breath you will take
And every decision you make
I will watch for you, be with you
Care for you, livr for you
Now you will know what a true love can hold

Please just see that your ways have gone bad
With all of these flames you just make yourself sad
And friends will be lost and forgotten to you
That promise you gave me was that a lie too?
When your drifting off into far away dreams
And reality is holding onto its seams
I will be too and thinking of you
Remember we were the same
Remember we were the same

This is maybe my favorite part. The writing hasn't changed much, but the way you wrote it makes it seem like a huge built up bridge to end your song with. This is where I can really hear this song put to music, which is the most important part of a song IMO.


Overall, pretty good. Nice natural imagery, but maybe more raw and brutal than most nature-ey pieces. Like most pieces, it has its shining momnets and its parts that don't interest you at all, but this shouyld be fine for song lyrics.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=405800
Crit my song if you want to.
Thanks!