#1
So, it's still rough, but I like the idea.

Holding Still now
In iconic stature,
Bow down now
To your nomenclature.
Holding still now,
Stature of statutes.

Bow to no man
Except the ones inside you,
And that's all the parasite-phanalea,
And that's all they want to do

Now you hold the gates so tight.
A blossom of hands
On the sextuplet arms.
Holding it still now,
Holding Still now,
Held in iconoclast.

Steadying reticules
Through the veil of idealism,
Pins were pulled
On the hedonist antibodies.
Wrapped in your shade,
As tint fades to nothing.
Crystal perception through viscous eyelids
Is absolute in it's black and white Technicolor.

Breaking through your grey matter
Penetrating spinal taps
As extremities go numb
And the iconoclast has abolished itself

Taking off your ears
And setting them to your chest
Crackling and splintering with the first dawn
Shining through acquitted gates
And blinding porous eyes
To everything that didn't exist.
#2
tis good but i think the word choice was odd in some parts. Like the sextuplet arms part just seemed awkward. Also decrease the use of the word now. It got real repetitive. Good job though
#3
Holding Still now
In iconic stature,
Bow down now
To your nomenclature.
Holding still now,
Stature of statutes.
Mmm. I love words, and this song is full of good ones. This stanza included. Other than that, I'd like to say this was good beginning.

Bow to no man
Except the ones inside you,
And that's all the parasite-phanalea,
And that's all they want to do
My mind tells me, as I read this, that you're playing with words in the third line. The prefix "para" of parastie, and then the suffix you've added. Basically, your going for "parasire paraphenalia." I'd like to think that's right, but I could be wrong. If not, then you just made a spelling error. If I am wrong, then could you explain that to me, please.

Now you hold the gates so tight.
A blossom of hands
On the sextuplet arms.
Holding it still now,
Holding Still now,
Held in iconoclast.
Does this stanza refer, in anyway, to Khali, the Hindu goddess? I ask because of the six-arms bit. Either way, another good stanza.

Steadying reticules
Through the veil of idealism,
Pins were pulled
On the hedonist antibodies.
Wrapped in your shade,
As tint fades to nothing.
Crystal perception through viscous eyelids
Is absolute in it's black and white Technicolor.
Another beautifully written stanza.

Breaking through your grey matter
Penetrating spinal taps
As extremities go numb
And the iconoclast has abolished itself
Okay, the entire song doesn't have STUPENDOUS flow because of the wording and all that jazz. However, it's increadibly noticeable with the last line of this stanza. It just sounds...off.

Taking off your ears
And setting them to your chest
Crackling and splintering with the first dawn
Shining through acquitted gates
And blinding porous eyes
To everything that didn't exist.
I love the first two lines of this stanza, and the imagery within the stanza as a whole. Very well written.

This is a great song, and it seems you put thought into it. I very much enjoyed reading it. Kudos to you. You said it was a rough-draft of sorts, and to me, that's rather amazing for a rough-draft. So, I'd love to see the final version.


Anyway, if you could, crit my newest. Link's in my sig. Thnx.
#4
Yeah. That line is supposed to be parasite-phanalia. It's definetly an abstract take on the English language, but, hey, if it were so concrete it would be math, not literature.

There isn't a direct reference to any religious figure in there; it is very much open to interpretation. I kind of drew from the Hindu image, but the whole idea is that what people expect of you can, if you give in, determine how you live your life and what you become. In that sense, I was saying that too much is expected for a person with two arms, or, if you wanna connect it to religious symbols, a mere mortal. Still, it's poetry, and I would hope a hundred different people would get 100 different meanings from this work.
Last edited by floydian_reason at Aug 2, 2006,