#1
This is something I wrote years ago. It was about a girl that I sacrificed a lot for, that ended up screwing me over for another guy.

Scene One: He Wants Her to Want Him

Existentialists swimming in the sky
Xenophiles all of them
Intelligent design screams ?there's a reason?
Simply whisper asinine dreams into my retinas
Hear pictures into my mouth
When you do, I realize pointallism
Will never be the same
Extend to me your formalities
None are too meager for me to disdain
Today, we are all one and one is nothing
Invention is only in the form of an excuse
And excuse me for giving a damn
Lilting your name in new ways
Intending to tell you why I care
Signaling the end of a revolution
Mitigating the precipitate which has
Formed between your veins and heart
I?d like to tell you, lastly
Of light and dark
This dark of mine is truth to you
While Light remains:
The deviance of imperfections through
Twists and turns of erroneous beliefs
But at least you can count on it
To be at the end of the tunnel
End Scene

CRIT FOR A CRIT, btw...
#3
Quote by Ach-med
damn dude thats good


Yah.lol. Awesome job. It is very interesting and makes you get the dictionary out to understand it.lol.
#4
Quote by toastdemon
This is something I wrote years ago. It was about a girl that I sacrificed a lot for, that ended up screwing me over for another guy.

Scene One: He Wants Her to Want Him

Existentialists swimming in the sky
Xenophiles all of them
Intelligent design screams ?there's a reason?
Simply whisper asinine dreams into my retinas
Hear pictures into my mouth
I love the mismatching of the senses and their receptory organs, really gives the image of being compltely immersed.

When you do, I realize pointallism
Will never be the same
Extend to me your formalities
None are too meager for me to disdain
Today, we are all one and one is nothing

"We are all one and one is nothing" is a bit cleche, but there's a reason- it sounds good.

Invention is only in the form of an excuse
And excuse me for giving a damn
Lilting your name in new ways
Intending to tell you why I care
Signaling the end of a revolution
Mitigating the precipitate which has
Formed between your veins and heart

definetly getting a bitter groove from the last two lines; they fit nicely.

I?d like to tell you, lastly
Of light and dark
This dark of mine is truth to you
While Light remains:
The deviance of imperfections through
Twists and turns of erroneous beliefs
But at least you can count on it
To be at the end of the tunnel
End Scene

Sorry if I couldn't critique too much, but this is some good stuff. There may have been a few points that could be smoothed over, but I think it will turn out much better if you re-read this in a week and make changes you find suitable. Very good, just don't be content to leave it alone. Come back after a break.

CRIT FOR A CRIT, btw...


Good Job all in all.
#5
thanks for the in depth crit man, you reap what you sow, so here you go..
oh and by the way, where it says And to every galazy i promised a visit i dont think ill ever make it that far, i mean im telling them that i dont think i can make it that far I wrote it when i looked at sthe sky and realized ill never see the stars or the galaxies or even the moon ahhh sigh, anyways lol here you go man...


This is something I wrote years ago. It was about a girl that I sacrificed a lot for, that ended up screwing me over for another guy.

Scene One: He Wants Her to Want Him

Existentialists swimming in the sky
Xenophiles all of them
Intelligent design screams ?there's a reason?
Simply whisper asinine dreams into my retinas
Hear pictures into my mouth
When you do, I realize pointallism
Will never be the same
Extend to me your formalities
None are too meager for me to disdain
Today, we are all one and one is nothing
Invention is only in the form of an excuse
And excuse me for giving a damn From HERE....
Lilting your name in new ways
Intending to tell you why I care
Signaling the end of a revolution
Mitigating the precipitate which has
Formed between your veins and heart
I?d like to tell you, lastly
Of light and dark
This dark of mine is truth to you
While Light remains:
The deviance of imperfections through
Twists and turns of erroneous beliefs
But at least you can count on it
To be at the end of the tunnel
End Scene to HERE are awesome, my fav part. I love it, awesome, poetic...deep. I LOVE deep, i love writing it, and seeing it written... I love forward to your fduture stuff, keep it up, God Bless, LeMay
#7
At times it seems as if you broke out the thesaurus. It can be a bit overbearing. I suggest that you re-word/simplify some lines as to not sound pretentious.
There once was a man who really loved salt
So he tied his nose to the sea
And then God came down from his silver throne
And said, 'Honey, that water ain't free
#8
awesome. i used the dictonary 4 times reading this.
Quote by NeverMeant
Sometimes I feel like I won't care if my girlfriend dies because then I won't have to worry about her becoming pregnant.
#9
Im way too tired to even try to crit this right now so untill then you're dotted.
#11
In response to YoungPilgrim and Neely: I didn't use large words for the sake of it. As I said, this is a piece I actually wrote in private for myself to begin with, thus I was looking to impress no one. I beleive there are only four words particularly difficult for the general populace to understand. Those being existentialism, xenophile, mitigating, and precipitate. However, existentialism is fitting as it describes a complex idea with one word. So, for flow we'll say, I used it. Xenophile, I will admit, was at a whim. I was reading Xenocide by Orson Scott Card. So, it came to mind and was coincidentally fitting. Mitigating the precipitate also was used in lieu of a better, timely way to say it (and because I had just done a lab in my Chem. 2 class where we were mitigating precipitates).

I will yield to the title of "pretentious" though, if only a little. I write for a newspaper, and have to constantly stay within a 5th grader's reading level and it pisses me off. So, I routinely write my poetry, and lyrics at a higher level as they are my freedom.

Lastly, I listen to music that often uses words many people wouldn't know from Dimmu Borgir and Cattle Decapitation to Otep and slipKnoT, and I READ and enjoy Dani Filth's lyrics -which tend to be verbose- but hate Cradle of Filth.

And now you know, Cuz it's Mike's Super Short Show.
(A Disney Channel allusion)
#13
Scene One: He Wants Her to Want Him

Existentialists swimming in the sky
Xenophiles all of them
Intelligent design screams ?there's a reason? something about this line i just loveSimply whisper asinine dreams into my retinas
Hear pictures into my mouth
When you do, I realize pointallism
Will never be the same
Extend to me your formalities
None are too meager for me to disdain
Today, we are all one and one is nothing
Invention is only in the form of an excuse
And excuse me for giving a damn
hehe that made me happy
Lilting your name in new ways
Intending to tell you why I care
Signaling the end of a revolution
Mitigating the precipitate which has
Formed between your veins and heart
I?d like to tell you, lastly
Of light and dark
This dark of mine is truth to you
While Light remains:
The deviance of imperfections through
Twists and turns of erroneous beliefs
But at least you can count on it
To be at the end of the tunnel
End Scene


that last part i bolded, my favorite part
just so great

fantastic job

the only thing i didnt like is the fact that i didnt know what a few of the words are, having never really used them myself, i've heard them just never taken the time to look them up... till now.
i dun like looking up words of something i'm reading just to understand it
#14
Quote by YoungPilgrim
At times it seems as if you broke out the thesaurus. It can be a bit overbearing. I suggest that you re-word/simplify some lines as to not sound pretentious.


Though there is a chance he did use a thesaurus here, and it is a bit pretentious, just want to give heed to everyone that, at times, using a thesaurus and "big words" can seem pretentious and 'overbearing' it is not always a bad thing. Every piece i read on ug that has language against the norm always has someone that comes in and complains about using a thesaurus for the sake of seeming smart. Thats not always the case, so just take heed. Honestly look into a piece when you make comments such as these. If the words seem pointless and unnecessary, certainly mention, but if
your going to do it in every case without looking into a piece and cracking out a dictionary if needed, then dont post at all. BTW pilgrim this is in no way solely directed at you im talking to the forum in general ( assuming one or two people read)

on to the piece

Scene One: He Wants Her to Want Him

Existentialists swimming in the sky
Xenophiles all of them
Intelligent design screams ?there's a reason?
Simply whisper asinine dreams into my retinas

retinas makes these seem raw, but unemotional. In a piece on this topic i think emotion is needed to really feel what the author is feeling. Using words such as 'retinas' instead of just 'eyes' detracts from the piece.

Hear pictures into my mouth
When you do, I realize pointallism
Will never be the same
Extend to me your formalities
None are too meager for me to disdain

Im assuming you did use a thesaurus in this piece, and honestly its detracting from it. Sometimes people lose simplicity for the saking of writing a piece that isnt like everyone elses. Though i promise you that be simple and original is still a possible goal. 'Disdain' detracts from this again and it seems unemotional. Now here you only using it saying you can cope with something but i see no emotion at all.

Today, we are all one and one is nothing
Invention is only in the form of an excuse
And excuse me for giving a damn
Lilting your name in new ways

IDK if its your own idea or not, but the 'invention is only in the form of an excuse' is very interesting. In a way inventing new things is a way to excuse ourselves from the work currently at hand. If you thought of that, commends.

Intending to tell you why I care
Signaling the end of a revolution
Mitigating the precipitate which has

The first two lines here are nearly saying the same thing, and one of them is unnecessary. We get the point your trying to give by only reading on of those lines, two is unnecessary. Im having trouble understanding what you mean by mitigating the precipitate between her veins and heart. Im assuming your trying to say that your relieving her of the seperation she has made with herself, and her heart. Though the words you used seemed far-fetched.

Formed between your veins and heart
I?d like to tell you, lastly
Of light and dark
This dark of mine is truth to you
While Light remains:
The deviance of imperfections through
Twists and turns of erroneous beliefs
But at least you can count on it
To be at the end of the tunnel
End Scene

Rest is rather interesting. If your returning "my journals and reality part two" though you may have to read the first in order to know whats going on.

-Mike
#15
Hey, now, now. I feel my intelligence being isulted -though, I would assume, inadvertently- when it is assumed that I used a thesaurus to come up with the word disdain. Either way, I can assure you I didn't. I wrote this quickly while in school, with little thought of the higher -or lower as is the case with "retinas" which, I agree with you on- meaning of the words as it was a poem to begin with created with the intent of venting.

As far as I know, the invention of excuses portion was my own idea. Though, since you brought it up I googled it, and it came up with why I should patent my invented algorithim. Though, I have no idea how to write a computer software program.

The lines you say are nearly identical are by no means saying the same thing. The first just refers to the fact that I'd like to explain to her why I like her so much, while the second refers to a change in my character because it's something I would normally be lax to do as I never really pay any heed to girls in an "I'd like to date you" way. Rather, I pay attention to females I don't know that I meet at concerts or some such event and fool with, with no reprocutions.

Yes, this mitigation I speak of refers to, in essence, her cold heartedness. Her state of detatchment from body, soul, and mind in the conventional manner that rears a concience in even the most squalid of people. However, as I already explained, that was something I added because I had just done a lab in my chem 2 class where that's what we were doing.

And thanks. For some reason the last part seems to be everyone's favorite, and it's my least favorite portion. haha. Oh well, I guess beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder - as far as that cliche' goes when reffering to writing.

Finally, thank you for your comments. I will get around to BOTH of those -since it seems to be a contingency of sorts, if I'd like to understand the second- tomarrow, or rather, later today.
#17
Wow, that was pretty damn good. First of all, the technical writing and flow were amazing throughout. My favorite lines:
Invention is only in the form of an excuse
And excuse me for giving a damn
The excuse and excuse together kind of get your attention before your one extremely blunt bit, which was completely differant from the rest of the song, although it basically sums the whole thing up as bluntness does. This also kind of justified the use of big words to me.
One thing that I didn't like (though everyone else seems to) was the dark and light part. You didn't do it in a really cliched way as much as you could have, but its just not something I like to see in a piece like this. I really think you could find a better means to get the same message across.
Anyway, really awesome song. Good job!
#19
great job
I was in a similar situation that you were in when you wrote it
stupid females
#21
well,
to me it seems like you looked up some big words and wrote a song with them
it's nicely done, by the way,
but i prefer it a little more simple.

The meaning can be difficult to understand but simply put.
simplicity still is a powerful thing, but this is far too complex phrasing for my taste...

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=406800
if you happen to crit my lyric, don't use difficult terms, i don't get them
(just kidding)
hope you appreciate honesty...

i do love this one:

"I?d like to tell you, lastly
Of light and dark
This dark of mine is truth to you
While Light remains"
But all the drugs in this world, won't save her from herself!
#23
you use alot of big words in it, to some listeners they may not want to hear that when they listen to music, but if you can do it right it can really work into your favor and be brilliant i like how you do that, also i like how you use alot of emoution, adjectives describing you emoutions, poweful stuff i can really feel where you are getting at
#24
Wow dude!That's some deep stuff right there!I didnt know what half the words meant at first (English isnt my first language),but luckily I've got a dictionary!Thanks for the crit on my lyrics!I'll try and use your advise!Thanks!

Later!
#26
Um... This is no attempt at a lame-ass bump as 24 comments/crits satiates me. However, I would like to say that I BELEIVE all of my dues are paid when it comes to crits. However, I lost place of where I was last night, in relation to where I began tonight. (I was up until 6 last night, on very little sleep).

So, if I have skipped you, I am very sorry. Please PM -so as not to bump this again- me with a link to your newest song, and I'll get to it as soon as possible.