#1
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Okay, before you read it, here are some things to know. The song does not have a bridge section. Just verses and chorus's. The section in the stars is the chorus and everything else is the verse. Let me know what you think, any tips, etc....you know the drill.
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Walking alone,
in a night filled with dark.
As the night slowly ends,
a cool rain falls.
It falls on the houses,
and it falls on the stoops.
But in the midst of it all,
there's a girl.
Singing songs,
and playing hopscotch,
as if the sun were shining bright,
and not a drop of rain had fallen.
* She has gotten past her misery,
...she has gotten past her pain,
...Just as it should be,
...she's careless,
* she's happy.
Her parents search the house,
in hopes to find their daughter.
They search the house in tears,
screaming in fear,
screaming their daughters name.
They run oustide,
only to find their daughter,
laughing and singing in the rain.
* She has gotten past her pain,
...she has gotten past her misery.
...Just as it should be,
...she's careless
* she's happy.
The parents stand in the doorway,
looking at their daughter,
with tears down their face.
The girl looks their way,
and simply smiles and continues her game.
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#2
Quote by onlyindreams10
.
.
.
Okay, before you read it, here are some things to know. The song does not have a bridge section. Just verses and chorus's. The section in the stars is the chorus and everything else is the verse. Let me know what you think, any tips, etc....you know the drill.
'
.
.
Walking alone,
in a night filled with dark.
As the night slowly ends,
a cool rain falls.
It falls on the houses,
and it falls on the stoops.
But in the midst of it all,
there's a girl.
Singing songs,
and playing hopscotch,
as if the sun were shining bright,
and not a drop of rain had fallen.
I like the idea, but it's so bluntly put. I don't like how you use the word night to lines in a row. You have some good imagery here, though.

* She has gotten past her misery,
...she has gotten past her pain,
...Just as it should be,
...she's careless,
* she's happy.
This doesn't much impress me. It's again very blunt. If that's what you're going for, then good job.

Her parents search the house,
in hopes to find their daughter.
They search the house in tears,
screaming in fear,
screaming their daughters name.
They run oustide,
only to find their daughter,
laughing and singing in the rain.
This brings up unneeded worry, it's like you were just filling space. Re-do it.

* She has gotten past her pain,
...she has gotten past her misery.
...Just as it should be,
...she's careless
* she's happy.

The parents stand in the doorway,
looking at their daughter,
with tears down their face.
The girl looks their way,
and simply smiles and continues her game.
I like how it ends, looks, looking, I don't like those words. They're meaningless. They're boring.
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You have some good things and some bad things, this piece definitely needs work. It's not yet great, but it has potential. I like your ideas, but you should find a better way to form them into words. Prettier words.
#3
Walking alone,
in a night filled with dark.
As the night slowly ends,
a cool rain falls.
It falls on the houses,
and it falls on the stoops.
But in the midst of it all,
there's a girl.
Singing songs,
and playing hopscotch,
as if the sun were shining bright,
and not a drop of rain had fallen.
This seems to be a good beginning. It has great imagery, and it's interesting. I also enjoyed the stark contrast of "drab and dreary" at the beginning with the overall happy-feeling end.

* She has gotten past her misery,
...she has gotten past her pain,
...Just as it should be,
...she's careless,
* she's happy.
Your chorus is simple, but it fits, and it has plenty of emotion. I like it.

Her parents search the house,
in hopes to find their daughter.
They search the house in tears,
screaming in fear,
screaming their daughters name.
They run oustide,
only to find their daughter,
laughing and singing in the rain.
It could be just how I'm reading it, and it sounds fine how you plan to sing it, but the flow here is less than great. Although the verse as a whole is pretty good. It just seems to be in those first 4 or 5 lines. It seems kind of repetitive in there.

* She has gotten past her pain,
...she has gotten past her misery.
...Just as it should be,
...she's careless
* she's happy.

The parents stand in the doorway,
looking at their daughter,
with tears down their face.
The girl looks their way,
and simply smiles and continues her game.
Sweet ending. There seems to be room for improvement in this stanza as well. I think it would read/sound better if you added "sreaming" or "pouring" or some such word before the word "down" in the second line. Also, I think it would be better to split the last line up, for reasons of flow. Something like, "and simply smiles/continuing her game," or take out the first "and" in the line. I unno. something.

Good song all together. It was sweet. Is there something in particular that made you write this? It seems to have enough emotion in it to have been personal in some way. Either way, I like it.

If you could, I'd appreciate a crit on my newest. Link in my sig.
#4
All in all it comes across as very simplistic, though it's a very good idea. The principle of liberation, particularly when coupled with the idea of a child coming of age, has so many possibilities. I think you will turn this song into something that does it justice, but it will need a bit more work before it gets there. Best of luck!