#1
Will you dream of me tonight?
Or slip into the deepest sleep?
My dreams are yours, all yours to keep
I?ll keep your picture underneath my pillow

Every night I drive around trying to find a place for me
But up ahead in my headlights I see that home is wherever you may be

I?m counting every day and every word you?re getting through
Holding up my breath, I?m saving it for you

Will you dream of me tonight?
Or slip into the deepest sleep?
My dreams are yours, all yours to keep
I?ll keep your picture underneath my pillow

I?ll keep my fingers crossed and hold on to the thought of the day
That I?ll follow my heart and find a way to get to you and leave this place

I?m counting every day and every word you?re getting through
Holding up my breath, I?m saving it for you

Will you dream of me tonight?
Or slip into the deepest sleep?
My dreams are yours, all yours to keep
I?ll keep your picture underneath my pillow
So when you fall asleep tonight
I hope you?ll hold your pillow tight
Praying that soon I?ll get it right
You?re picture?s always underneath my pillow
I?ll keep your picture underneath my pillow

And when I get there I know I?ll find
What I?ve been missing all my life
For now I?ll just dream
About you all the time

Will you dream of me tonight?
Or slip into the deepest sleep?
My dreams are yours, all yours to keep
I?ll keep your picture underneath my pillow
#3
so who cares there's alot of songs with the same title n e wayz awesome man i really liked for realz really really good keep it up man
#4
Will you dream of me tonight?
Or slip into the deepest sleep?
My dreams are yours, all yours to keep
I?ll keep your picture underneath my pillow
The word "keep" is repeated with only one word inbetween. Although "yours" is the same way, it seems more natural. Also, the last line sounds a little odd, and throws off the flow. Maybe, a slight change could be made to solve both problems such as changing the last line somehow. Iunno. It's just what I think. I do like the first two lines though.

Every night I drive around trying to find a place for me
But up ahead in my headlights I see that home is wherever you may be
I feel like an a$$ when I say things I don't like. Sorry. I don't much care for this at all. It sounds forced. Also, the three rhymes sound odd. It could made much more concise, which I beleive would make it read/sound much better. However, I do like the idea behind it.

I?m counting every day and every word you?re getting through
Holding up my breath, I?m saving it for you
I did like this portion, and don't think any changes should be made.

Will you dream of me tonight?
Or slip into the deepest sleep?
My dreams are yours, all yours to keep
I?ll keep your picture underneath my pillow


I?ll keep my fingers crossed and hold on to the thought of the day
That I?ll follow my heart and find a way to get to you and leave this place
I also like all of this. Just like I point out in many crits I do, I think it would do well to take out the unecessary article, "that" in the second line.

I?m counting every day and every word you?re getting through
Holding up my breath, I?m saving it for you

Will you dream of me tonight?
Or slip into the deepest sleep?
My dreams are yours, all yours to keep
I?ll keep your picture underneath my pillow
So when you fall asleep tonight
I hope you?ll hold your pillow tight
Praying that soon I?ll get it right
You?re picture?s always underneath my pillow
I?ll keep your picture underneath my pillow
This is a pretty good variation to the chorus. The flow has some problems, but it's still good.

And when I get there I know I?ll find
What I?ve been missing all my life
For now I?ll just dream
About you all the time
Again, flow makes this an erroneous stanza that can easily be fixed. I beleive flow is poor in this stanza due to syllables. The first line has 9, the next 8, the last two 5 and 6. This contrast, in the end, makes the last two lines stand out as something there for space filler or something such as that. The last line especially sounds/reads oddly.

Will you dream of me tonight?
Or slip into the deepest sleep?
My dreams are yours, all yours to keep
I?ll keep your picture underneath my pillow

I feel bad saying things I don't like, but honestly, that's what critiquing is, and ALL writing should be done with the intent to revise. So, I'm just saying what I think should be revised. I do beleive the piece as a whole has substantial potential. It's good. It just needs to be tweaked.

If you could, my newest song is linked in my sig. Please crit.
#5
Quote by darkenedmalice
so who cares there's alot of songs with the same title n e wayz awesome man i really liked for realz really really good keep it up man


Thanks!It was my second attempt at writing lyrics,so I appreciate it!
Thanks again!
#6
I rly liked it, I liked the night time feeling I got from it, it seemed very calm and soothing, great job, please crit mine "untitled"