#1
Finally came up with a new piece... This one definitely needs some more revision though, enjoy

Lethistence

Weakened by the tapeworms in your eyes
Scratching and clawing at your dilated pupils
Shut the hell up you nihilistic nitwit and,
Jam another placebo down your throat

The line between right and wrong
Is beginning to grow blurry
Unreliable and remarkably worried,
Sooner of later you?re going to have to,

Wake up and smell the penicillin,
You medicated mannequin
I swear to god,
Your ignorance will be my hearse

Powerless against the after waves,
Ravenous tides pull you under
Shut the fùck up you nihilistic nail and,
Fall between the devil and the deep blue sea

Get up and chew on the bullet,
You angst-ridden adolescent
I swear to god,
Your immaturity will be my hearse

Weakened by the tapeworms in your eyes
Scratching and clawing at your dilated pupils
Shut the hell up you nihilistic nitwit and,
Jam another placebo down your throat

Wake up and smell the penicillin,
You medicated mannequin
I swear to god,
Your ignorance will be my hearse

Comatose from asphyxiation,
Another ruined replica
Swallow down the pill they
Call ?Life?
#2
Woah...Hey you aren't gonna use that on me in the comp are you. Dang i better revise.lol
#3
Lethistence
First and foremost, I need to know what this title means. I looked it up, and can't even find it. "So," I though, "maybe he's mixing words and it's a reference to a lethargic existance." Is that right? TELL ME YOU WAYS!!!

Weakened by the tapeworms in your eyes
Scratching and clawing at your dilated pupils
Shut the hell up you nihilistic nitwit and,
Jam another placebo down your throat
Pretty vindictive. Haha. The only thing I don't like about this is the use of the word "nitwi." It seems childish to me, however, I lend my thoughts to to the possibility that you may have put it there to covey a sense of condesension. Still though, in lieu of those thoughts, I believe it should be changed in someway. Nihilism and nitwit...ism don't go hand in hand in my eyes. Good though. It's good.

The line between right and wrong
Is beginning to grow blurry
Unreliable and remarkably worried,
Sooner of later you?re going to have to,
What were you going for by the way, in terms of genre? It makes a different only in how I read this stanza, and mostly just that last line. Lead-ins are always different in certain genres. I see this being metal where the end of this stanza crecendos, and the next verse is screamed/growled/whatev. It's a good stanza though. The flow is impeccable.

Wake up and smell the penicillin,
You medicated mannequin
I swear to god,
Your ignorance will be my hearse
I loved this. Very good writing. The second and fourth lines are very creative, and it provides a good visual.

Powerless against the after waves,
Ravenous tides pull you under
Shut the fùck up you nihilistic nail and,
Fall between the devil and the deep blue sea
Depending on your intended delivery, I think the last line kills the flow. However, it's still a good stanza. Also, I don't know about this whole fuck ordeal; the usage this one and only time of a STRONG curse words (as upposed to the softer, and less abrasive "hell") seems pointless. To each their own though.

Get up and chew on the bullet,
You angst-ridden adolescent
I swear to god,
Your immaturity will be my hearse
I like the changes here. You kept the same structure, yet made obvious changes, that keep it from being just a re-worded copy of the first.

Weakened by the tapeworms in your eyes
Scratching and clawing at your dilated pupils
Shut the hell up you nihilistic nitwit and,
Jam another placebo down your throat

Wake up and smell the penicillin,
You medicated mannequin
I swear to god,
Your ignorance will be my hearse

Comatose from asphyxiation,
Another ruined replica
Swallow down the pill they
Call ?Life?
Very good ending.

By the end, I perceive this in three ways: an attack on emo kids, an attack on druggies, and a parody of nu-metal. Haha. What was the ACTUAL driving force behind these lyrics? Either way, they were very good. I enjoyed them.

My sig. contains the link to my latest if you'd like to check it out.
#4
^^ Yeah I was planning on using this against you

^ Yes, Lethistence is a combo of the words Lethargy and Existence. The meaning behind them are an attack alltogether at people doing things without thinking about the consequences and dealing with them later. I already have music written which in my opinion sounds kinda like a Tool song. I will crit your piece soon.
#5
I would strongly advise the removal of "nitwit", it brings down the credibility of the whole song which is unfair on you because the rest of the lyrics clearly cut alot deeper. Other than that, I think it's a good song - thought provoking.