#1
So I'm sitting here
mostly silent
some said that i should stop
but that was only in my head

Lifes on the side I'm
coasting by it
going faster than a rocket
but only in my head

If it weren't for the cameras it'd
be ghostly quiet
but once again
that is only in my head

He shakes his gun at me
you think i'm lying?
bullet between my eyes
now it's only in my head
Last edited by wolfat the door at Aug 4, 2006,
#2
Wow. Great job. I loved the ending where you switched the meaning of the phrase around. Awesome job. Plz crit my poem.
#3
That has a good ending, the the piece overall was on the short side and finished before it could really begin. Some of the enjambment wasn't needed and I didn't like the word "grossly" used in that way. "Eerily" looks and sounds better and has a stronger meaning.
#4
Not bad. Its fairly simple, but it was short so thats to be expected. My one technical problem would be the use of it'd. Thats really two syllables just like "it would" so why use it. Maybe if you slurred tham together (id?) or something, but the way I hear it in my head it would fits and sounds a lot more natural. Maybe just me though. Pretty cool song.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=405800
Crit maybe if you want.
Thanks!
#5
I like how it you said it was in my head at first it was a different meaning than you changed it, it was simple but i liked it good job
If you don't like me for who i am
then don't like me for who i am...
but all your gonna get is who i am.
#6
its short, but sweet, i like how you use its in my head at the end of every verse, it works well for you, the only thing i would suggest is make it longer
#7
"He shakes his gun at me
you think i'm lying?
bullet between my eyes
now it's only in my head"


That was really good and so was this;

"If it weren't for the cameras it'd
be grossly quiet"

But "grossly" should definatly be changed to "eerily", like Dæmönika said.

And could you please be kind enough to check out one of the raps in my sig?
#8
NOt Bad at all!!

If it weren't for the cameras it'd
be grossly quiet


I would have used ghostly or deathly instead of grossly

And i really liked the last verse!!
#10
Good man i liked it i like the title too thats neat
will you brit mine its right beneath yours

A Traggic Tale Of Real Love


zoso777 aka Craig
#11
Too short but good, didnt like the ending though.
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#13
its short....its be better if it was a bit longer....great ryming and i liiked your word choice..please crit my stuff...... i get how you can easily get what your song is about...but you dont actually say it right up
UG's HIPPIE