#1
crit 4 crit . and i dont know how i want to order this so any suggestions ?

I just want to walk, into your heart
Everytime that we talk, my words fall apart
but he's still in the picture
and your still on his arm
just dont let me be the one
to leave this, with a broken heart

He's not worthy of you
and you know its so not fair
that he gets your beauty
I just wanna know why cant i be there ?

Anywhere, no matter how
lets pack our bags and leave this town
that'll be our adventure
we'll sleep together, under the stars
or we can venture, into space
tonight, whereever you want as long as i get
to spend enternity with your oh so adorable face

How do i convince myself not to jump
when im already falling ?
whats left for me if you stop calling ?
I hate this feeling but its something i cant control
its like someone went into my body and ripped apart my soul
just for you

So in this song i will sing
about my hopes that you'll move on to the next best thing
#2
I like it very much expecially the 4th stanza. I think the order should be 1/4 Anyways its great.
2/1
3/3
4/2
5/5.
#4
Quote by pollins1989
crit 4 crit . and i dont know how i want to order this so any suggestions ?

I just want to walk, into your heart
Everytime that we talk, my words fall apart
but he's still in the picture
and your still on his arm
just dont let me be the one
to leave this, with a broken heart

Nice first stanze. Sets the scene and I know what I'm going to be reading right from the off.

He's not worthy of you
and you know its so not fair
that he gets your beauty
I just wanna know why cant i be there ?

We can all relate to this stanza. Well, most. Nice job - universally appealing.

Anywhere, no matter how
lets pack our bags and leave this town
that'll be our adventure
we'll sleep together, under the stars
or we can venture, into space
tonight, whereever you want as long as i get
to spend enternity with your oh so adorable face

I like this. Nice rythym.

How do i convince myself not to jump
when im already falling ?
whats left for me if you stop calling ?
I hate this feeling but its something i cant control
its like someone went into my body and ripped apart my soul
just for you

The first to lines are my favourite, very thought provoking and unique. wow. Nice one.

So in this song i will sing
about my hopes that you'll move on to the next best thing
A good way to end it. Short and weet. Straight to the point.


There you go.
#5
Quote by pollins1989

I just want to walk, into your heart
Everytime that we talk, my words fall apart
but he's still in the picture
and your still on his arm
just dont let me be the one
to leave this, with a broken heart
Me likey, espcially the first line. But, excuse me being foreign and an orthorexic(stupid combination by the way), but shouldn't it be "and you're still IN his arm"?

He's not worthy of you
and you know its so not fair
that he gets your beauty
I just wanna know why cant i be there ?
All in all, a bit too cliché for me; I personally would'nt couple 'get your beauty' and a love song, but that's just me; kind of invokes the picture of the big, muscular guy behaving poetically for the sake of procreation.

Anywhere, no matter how
lets pack our bags and leave this town
that'll be our adventure
we'll sleep together, under the stars
or we can venture, into space
tonight, whereever you want as long as i get
to spend enternity with your oh so adorable face
Like that stanza, apart from the, again, just for me, too cheesey "eternity...oh so adorable face"

How do i convince myself not to jump
when im already falling ?
whats left for me if you stop calling ?
I hate this feeling but its something i cant control
its like someone went into my body and ripped apart my soul
just for you
First two lines, good one! Tough the last two lines are too cliché for me.

So in this song i will sing
about my hopes that you'll move on to the next best thing



All in all, I like most parts, though some things seem to be just fodder materia.
Just my opinion, no offense meant.
"What would humans be withouth love?
RARE, said Death"

-Terry Pratchett, 'Sourcery'
#6
Very nice, no rhythmic errors and very natural sounding. The only thing I'd change is this bit:

He's not worthy of you
and you know its so not fair
that he gets your beauty
I just wanna know why cant i be there ?


I'd replace "worthy" and "beauty" with something a little more subtle. Those two words are a little too big and serious, if you get my meaning.
Listen to mah discs.



And coming soon, THE CLEVER DEVILS VS. THE BLONDES.

Vote for me in the