#1
Short little song i wrote for my friend. crit for crit


Fall Into The Sun

Were gonna make it through the storm
Were gonna cut right through the rain
And the sun's gonna shine so bright
You'll never be the same
I say I'll give you anything just like I always do
I told you I would dig a pony just to give it to you

I'll stop the rain that keeps falling from the sky
And I'll give you anything you want until I die
And when your down and broken and life has lost its fun
Then maybe I should fall into the sun
Last edited by private at Aug 4, 2006,
#2
Fall Into The Sun

Were gonna make it through the storm
Were gonna cut right through the rain
And the sun's gonna shine so bright
You'll never be the same
I say I'll give you anything just like I always do
I said I would dig a pony so I could give it to you
It's got great imagery, and an obvious loving and devotional emotion to it. The flow is good as well. However, I don't know what this "dig"ing a pony is all about. Explain "dig a pony" to me.

I'll stop the rain that keeps falling from the sky
And I'll give you anything you want until you die
And when your down and broken and life has lost its fun
Then maybe I should fall into the sun
The lines in the middle don't do it for me. Both seem like you forced the endings to make a rhyme. Remember, it doesn't have to rhyme. It's not so much the second line as it is the third. The second, now that I think about it, just doesn't sound natural with the wording as it is. So, a slight tweaking of grammar could proabably fix it. However, the third, "and life has lost its fun" seems forced, and if it wasn't it seems a juvenile thing to say, and I obviously mean that in a constructive criticism way, not an I think your writing is childish way. I do like the ending though, and the stanza as a whole is good. It could just use some revision.
#6
What makes your friend so sad? or did you just think he needed a song. well anyways, such a sad song. but i like it. i dont listen to the beatles so i guess i might not ever get the part about digging a pony.
#8
Well written i enjoyed i'd be curious to hear the music to it

and yea i agree on your corrections i never liked those parts and yea Folk song preferably

Keep up the writing


Zoso777 aka Craig
#9
id like to hear the music to it as well.

also i think you should change "till the day you die" to "till the day i die"
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#11
yea when i read it i was like hmm what if he dies first? but otherwise keep it up man.

check out mine if you get a chance.

take care.
Official Member of the I <3 Schecter's Club, PM Schecter-06 to join..

Gear:
Schecter Stilleto Deluxe bass
BC Rich Bronze Warlock (for sale)
Zoom 18 Amp (for sale)