#1
our love goes punch for punch
and I want to give up

but if anyone asks
I say my jabs
and attacks
were just love taps
I tried to tell you that

though we crashed on every lap,
when our bumper car hearts
wouldn't start, the small sparks
left me startled and smarted

opened the hood up
and no wonder they wouldn't run
the engine's are full of blood
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#3
It's a good song. It's a little short though, but whatever. I love the imagery throughout the piece, and the flow is pretty much perfect. Lastly, and quaintly at that, I loved the ending.
#5
I didn't really care for this honestly. I read your last piece and it was awesome so I kind of had high expectations for this. Neither of the first two stanzas here had anything that got my attention at all, the third was rather good, finally incorporating some metaphor and giving some interest to the song, and finally, the last stanza was a bit better than the first two, but still nothing special. Im usually not this negative and I only say this because I read you last piece and it was so good, Im sure you can write something better than this was.
#6
to be fair the first two stanzas are metaphor too; I don't actually hit her..

thanks guys
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#7
Part B. Yay!


our love goes punch for punch
and I want to give up
Diving straight into it. I like. Also think it's clever to seperate it here, for effect, although the next bit is still on the same line of thought.

but if anyone asks
I say my jabs
and attacks
were just love taps
I tried to tell you that
Tsk tsk tsk... again missing on the punctuation? Oh well, I'll give that one up. Nice flow and lovely rhythm on the 3 first lines. I felt as if the 4th line should have ran longer and make the "taps" an internal rhyme, but on second thought I liked the last line being the longest. Loved the imagery.

though we crashed on every lap,
when our bumper car hearts
wouldn't start, the small sparks
left me startled and smarted
Now this is what I like, rhyming stanza with next-stanza-first-line. I really found this bit to be so well wrriten. Imagery was superb, loved the conventional structure all of a sudden and couldn't help but smile at the flow.

opened the hood up
and no wonder they wouldn't run
the engine's are full of blood
A bit of an emo ending, true. And to be honest, a bit expected. I would have loved to see something along the lines of "the engines are running on nothing". But your ending did have a certain effect, and I'm assuming that's what you were going for.


Lovely.

Will there be a part c? I thought this was quite a closed ending, but you can never know...


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#8
I love the bumper-car hearts part, and pretty much all of it. On a personal level I'm not a fan of the last line - perhaps reference to blood relates, in my mind, with images of gothic heavy metal bands. Which I hate. But that's just me, keep up the good work.
#9
Quote by less than that
to be fair the first two stanzas are metaphor too; I don't actually hit her...



anyway, I'd just like to say that I always enjoy your stuff, you are actually in my top 6 UG writers if I had a list... which I dont

Its just, you seem to have a complete and utter mastering of flow and bending that flow to your means. And paticularly in these two parts, and in your rather faux-personification I am just hit with genious line after genious phrase after excellent flow. Just wow, keep up the good work.
#10
Wait for it--

I love it. As always. Sorry I suck at critting.

Just letting you know that you're amazing and I'm useless.

BTW is there a part A?
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

Last edited by culex-knight at Aug 4, 2006,
#11
mm yup. part a: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=405935

probably no part c, a and b are meant to be completely complementary to the situation. definitely more pieces about the same (general) topic. thanks Carmel

jackw- but this is a heavy metal goth song!

I like the bumper car hearts bit too, probably my favorite in this.

I think why all my pieces flow is because I work them all out in my head completely before I write any of it down and if I stumble on something in my head I change it. *shrugs*

thanks a lot guys`
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#13
yep, whole song. I'll do yours when I get back from the tournament.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#14
our love goes punch for punch
and I want to give up

I love how you just go straight for the "punch", its a great opening to a song, it lets me know exactly what your gonna be talking about. Its great because its simple yet effective

but if anyone asks
I say my jabs
and attacks
were just love taps
I tried to tell you that

I really hope that that is metaphorical, I like it as long as its not about you hitting your girl, lol. But then again, I dont see this in a song. I may be mistaken but I really can't see a flow in this. Your syllables in your lines are 6, 4, 3, 4, 6. I guess im just not singing it right. But the 5 line stanza is rather odd i think.


though we crashed on every lap,
when our bumper car hearts
wouldn't start, the small sparks
left me startled and smarted

Great, excellent writing, but again I see no real flow, maybe its just how you write the words?

opened the hood up
and no wonder they wouldn't run
the engine's are full of blood

Excellent dont change it AT ALL

Excellent writing! your lyrics have inspired me A LOT over the years, please look at my song https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=408071
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
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Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#15
in the second stanza the second and third line read as one line with the music. for the third stanza the lines kind of flow into each other like a waterfall. thank you very much for all your compliments. I'll take a look at yours tomorrow. I'm drained
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in