#1
i just wrote this song maybe an hour ago please crit, ill cirt back

Timeless

Verse 1

Another passing day has come and gone it slowly slips away

As the sun drifts on the days slowly shift to night

You?re one day older

And a minute wiser

Every minute goes by and you can't get it back

Like catching smoke with your hands it's gone as fast as it comes

If only you were timeless

Chorus

If only you were timeless

If only you were timeless

If only you were timeless

Verse 2

Time fades like castles made of sand it slowly slips away and all your left with are the memories you have made

So make them good make them great make them something to appreciate

If only you were timeless

Chorus

If only you were timeless

If only you were timeless

If only you were timeless


Verse 3

When you're stripped down with nothing all you have is those great times

And those times you love and cherish

Because when everything is done and over all you're left with is those timeless times

If only you were timeless


Chorus

If only you were timeless

If only you were timeless

If only you were timeless
Last edited by the_man101 at Aug 3, 2006,
#2
Verse 1

Another passing day has come and gone it slowly slips away

As the sun drifts on the days slowly shift to night
Should it not be "the day slowly shifts to night?"

You?re one day older

And a minute wiser

Every minute goes by and you can't get it back

Like catching smoke with your hands it's gone as fast as it comes

If only you were timeless
I love the last lines of this verse. Very good.

Chorus

If only you were timeless

If only you were timeless

If only you were timeless
Ending the first verse with the same line that you will repeat three times as a chorus doesn't float my boat. It seems to me to undermine the creativity you've shown in the first verse, and it makes the song seem simple.

Verse 2

Time fades like castles made of sand it slowly slips away and all your left with are the memories you have made

So make them good make them great make them something to appreciate
the first line was good. However, this line seems cheesy, or forced.
If only you were timeless
I do like how you tie the verses together with this line.

Chorus

If only you were timeless

If only you were timeless

If only you were timeless


Verse 3

When you're stripped down with nothing all you have is those great times

And those times you love and cherish
I think these lines throw off the flow, and they sound odd. A possible revision would be:"When you're stripped down and left with nothing/all you have are those great times/the times you love and cherish." Something like that would make if flow better, and get rid of some of the pesky, grammatical errors thus leaving it sounding more natural. At the very least, and revision should change "is" to "are" as it would be the proper word to use since you're talking about more than one dream. These are good lines though. They just need a little tweaking.
Because when everything is done and over all you're left with is those timeless times
To cut back on the repetitiveness of the words timeless and times, maybe you could use something such as "Ageless," at least in this one line as you are about to repeat the word timeless four times.

If only you were timeless


Chorus

If only you were timeless

If only you were timeless

If only you were timeless

All together, it was a good piece. However, it does have some details that could be changed. The biggest problem, in my eyes, was the overuse of the phrase "if only you were timeless." It's a good start though. I recommend revising it, and then editing it in the post, and if you did, I'd be happy to come back and take a second look at it.

Anyway, my newest is linked in my sig. I'd like a crit, but no sweat.
Last edited by toastdemon at Aug 3, 2006,
#3
Good piece overall just a few problems. For me the line that i think doesn't fit in their is the 'So make them good make them great make them something to appreciate', it sounds pretty corny, like something that would be on a greeting card or something. but other than that i thought it was good. I dont think the repitition was all that bad either. Crit my new one? heres the link

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=406619
#5
ok thanks guys for the crits, ill crit back in a min

i do agree that i thought haveing the chorus if only you were timeless and having the last word of every verse, originaly it wansnt suppose to have a chorus and if only you were timeless was at the ending, the last three words but the song it's self isnt long enough when played, so i added that onto it to be a chorus to make the song longer, but i kinda like that,how it repeats
and thanks again guys