#1
I started writing this earlier tonight and just finished it. It's called "Wednesday Passing":


V1: This night is a lipstick stained wineglass
An angel in the frost
I lay beside you
Waiting for your soft breathing to send me to bed

C1: I'll kiss you again for the last time
And give up the thing I loved
And all the things I meant to say

V2: All the things we could do
And the things you forgot
Keep me coming back
On bended knee for a moment that couldn't come

C2: I'll keep you inside
In the place you loved best
To find that feeling and all the things you wanted to hear

V3: The air is cool even in my clothes
Three sizes too big for you
I'll keep you warm
But you can't see yourself with me in the morning
There once was a man who really loved salt
So he tied his nose to the sea
And then God came down from his silver throne
And said, 'Honey, that water ain't free
Last edited by YoungPilgrim at Aug 3, 2006,
#2
V1: This night is a lipstick stained wineglass
An angel in the frost
I lay beside you
Waiting for your soft breathing to send me to bed
I'd think just looking at it, that this would have terrible flow becasue of the substantial variance in the length of the lines, but it seems all fine and dandy. I absolutely LOVE the first line too. Very creative. Good beginning.

C1: I'll kiss you again for the last time
And give up the thing I loved
And all the things I meant to say
This, more than the first verse, I believe, sets a tone. It's good.

V2: All the things we could do
And the things you forgot
Keep me coming back
On bended knee for a moment that shouldn't come
This, to me, loses the flow, but not to noticabley. It's still good, but the nuiances of our language -whispering in my ear as they sometimes do- want me to ask if, in context, "shouldn't" would be better as "couldn't" It seems that, if I read this correctly, it SHOULD happen, at least in one of their eyes, becuase he loves her, but COULDN'T because, as the end states, she couldn't see herself with him. Just a subtltly(sp?) that could make a slight difference only to those who scrutinize.

C2: I'll keep you inside
In the place you loved best
To find that feeling and all the things you wanted to hear
I like this as well. The best thing you seem to do in this piece - as I'm only familiar with one more of your writings and thus can't make a SWEEPING generalization of your style - is to convey emotion, and that's apparent here as well as throughout the entire piece.

V3: The air is cool even in my clothes
Three sizes too big for you
I'll keep you warm
But you can't see yourself with me in the morning
Southern twang came into my mind, and I envisioned this -when I first read it- to end "in the morn" to false-rhyme with "warm." I laughed. However, in all seriousness, this was a good ending to a good song.

As I just said, this was a good song. I enjoyed it. The emotion is what prevails in this piece, and it's something you conveyed without a lot of words. You didn't add fluff by adding all the adjectives that could have spelt out exactly what this character felt. Instead, you used scenes, per se, to convey the emotions for you. I like the style, and you did it well. Kudos.
Last edited by toastdemon at Aug 3, 2006,
#3
Thanks a lot. Your crit about shouldn't v. couldn't was noted and the text was revised.
There once was a man who really loved salt
So he tied his nose to the sea
And then God came down from his silver throne
And said, 'Honey, that water ain't free