#1
woot. yet another sad song by joel.....

The elevators never looked quite so cold
The doors covered in traces of the soul
But what do we lose when we cross that line?
Another autopsy helped define
Just what exactly it is that we feel
In a blend of tubes and surgical steel
But should we walk away from what we?ve done
As our blackened skin loathes the sun

And she looks up at me with her fathers eyes
Pleading for some other compromise
With her weary eyelids closing fast
This kind of sympathy can never last

The way they wheel you out with blackened hearts
With complications that may never start
Pulmonary archery and closing veins
Keeping barely conscious, keeping sane
But can you tell just where we blur the line?
But do we help now, do we define?
Just what it means for us to heal to save ourselves
The clot in your vein?s just more poison in the well

And she looks up at me with her fathers eyes
Pleading for some other compromise
With her weary eyelids closing fast
This kind of sympathy can never last

The way they wheel you out with blackened hearts
With complications that may never start
Pulmonary archery and closing veins
Keeping barely conscious, keeping sane

And she looks up at me with her fathers eyes
Pleading for some other compromise
With her weary eyelids closing fast
This kind of sympathy can never last
I R tr00 Member of UG's Gain \/\/hores - don't pm gpderek09 to join unless you are truly worthy
www.purevolume.com/mordecaiaus
Quote by xifr
There is the possibility that I may have or may or may not have gone or not gone into the danger zone.


Quote by lespaulmarshall
I love you Joel
#2
anyone?
I R tr00 Member of UG's Gain \/\/hores - don't pm gpderek09 to join unless you are truly worthy
www.purevolume.com/mordecaiaus
Quote by xifr
There is the possibility that I may have or may or may not have gone or not gone into the danger zone.


Quote by lespaulmarshall
I love you Joel
#3
idk y you decided to bring it back after a month of no responses, but ive got nothing better to do, so yeah. ill skim it over.

its not bad. nothing that makes me sit back and go 'wow', either, but definitely not bad.
i dont love the 'looking up at me with your father's eyes' deal, unless this is written by the mother, who is the only person who i can believe saying that, so maybe fix that one.
other than that, good job.
<Han> I love Hitler
#4
Hmm, really wierd for no replies for a month. I'll give it a run for its money.


Quote by joel_grieve
woot. yet another sad song by joel.....

The elevators never looked quite so cold
The doors covered in traces of the soul
But what do we lose when we cross that line?
Another autopsy helped define
Just what exactly it is that we feel
In a blend of tubes and surgical steel
But should we walk away from what we?ve done
As our blackened skin loathes the sun
Rad. Very depresso. I liked the first three lines, then the autopsy line not so much. It didn't seem to fit to me. And the last line isn't to my taste, but thats jsut me.

And she looks up at me with her fathers eyes
Pleading for some other compromise
With her weary eyelids closing fast
This kind of sympathy can never last
Cool. I liked it heaps. Change nothing

The way they wheel you out with blackened hearts
With complications that may never start
Pulmonary archery and closing veins
Keeping barely conscious, keeping sane
But can you tell just where we blur the line?
But do we help now, do we define?
Just what it means for us to heal to save ourselves
The clot in your vein?s just more poison in the well
The verses seem so depressed, and the chorus seems only angry. It does add contrast though. I didn't think this verse flowed as well as the other. Maybe work on that a little, becasue I thought the content was ok.
And she looks up at me with her fathers eyes
Pleading for some other compromise
With her weary eyelids closing fast
This kind of sympathy can never last

The way they wheel you out with blackened hearts
With complications that may never start
Pulmonary archery and closing veins
Keeping barely conscious, keeping sane

And she looks up at me with her fathers eyes
Pleading for some other compromise
With her weary eyelids closing fast
This kind of sympathy can never last
Good ending with what seemed like the repitition of the first half of the second verse, and the chorus



Good song, but I'm deducting points because you said "woot" in your first post. Just kidding mate, good work. I liked it, just do a little work on the last half of the second verse type thing. Crit mine? Link in signature.

-Turaki