#1
My first love song on these boards....


Intro (Second Comings)

I've never been is this position
My mind is completely clouded
I want back my old self
Forget the fame and wealth
All I want is you...

====> (Transition)

Love Song #7 (Warmth)

My heart is a broken puzzle
Meant for you to put together
So come hug and hold me
And make the pieces fit better

I don't want to be shattered anymore
In need of the sun's loving warmth
You have to be the cure
To this disease that leaves my heart sore

Nurse me back to home
So I can make your heart dance again
A feeling so golden
That trancribes from this pen

If I had the strength to fly
High above the sky
I'd choose you to go with
So we could disappear forever
#2
Quote by burnobus7337
My first love song on these boards....


Intro (Second Comings)

I've never been is this position
My mind is completely clouded
I want back my old self
Forget the fame and wealth
All I want is you...

Not perticulary a fan of the intro, but it sets the theme and there aren't any tchnical problems so its fine.

====> (Transition)

Love Song #7 (Warmth)

My heart is a broken puzzle
Meant for you to put together
So come hug and hold me
And make the pieces fit better

You managed to add "puzzle" to the broken heart cliche, I dont think that made it too much more original really. For some reason I really dislike the rhyme although I can't explain why. Sounds like a musical somehow.

I don't want to be shattered anymore
In need of the sun's loving warmth
You have to be the cure
To this disease that leaves my heart sore

The heart thing at the end sounds a bit old, but otherwise this stanza is good.

Nurse me back to home
So I can make your heart dance again
A feeling so golden
That trancribes from this pen

This is probly your best stanza IMO. You went somewhere else with the "disease that leaves your heart sore" thing, which was good. The last two lines were pretty good also.

If I had the strength to fly
High above the sky
I'd choose you to go with
So we could disappear forever

At least you cut out the heart metaphors here. Actually, this was pretty good to. It wasn't totally uniqe but it was a good way to end it.


Overall, it looks like your writing is pretty good, you just have to quit using those heart cliches and your writing will be fine.

Return the crit maybe?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=405800
^Here. Thanks