#1
Hi, I'm quite new here, and this are my first officialized lyrics, so please criticise the hell out of it!

CARNAL COLOGNE

Verse1
Should I succumb, should I fall
Should I become Darwin's ultimate proof?
When there are so many threads pulling me,
Is there any sense in resisting?

Chorus:
Sex and Violence, eventually it all melts down to this,
What am I but cunningly histrionic testosterone
Or, is there something more,
Apart from being carnal cologne?

Verse2
Should I give in, or rather not,
When tongues are glistening wet, satin on the skin,
Is that superficially shallow, or
Is there any sense in resisting?

Verse3
Glowing in her steep surmise,
Brandishing her suave delicacy,
I can't help but feel a bit Wilde-istic,
Is there any sense in resisting?

Chorus

Bridge:
And along comes Buddha, with his friends and monks and stuff,
Telling me, very sensibly, that those urges are quite bad,
And I, in my foolish adolescency believed his sparkling crowd,
Just to go on,
Torturing myself,
In the antechamber
Singing the song
Of the unintimate swan,
Unf.ucked but always scrubbed down well

Verse4
And when I look into your
Everchaste, everfrowning facade
I'm encroached by what I fear to become
(But) Is there any sense in resisting?

Verse5
And everytime I watch your
Everleering, evercoarse going-down-the-drain,
I feel infringed by what will leave me bare,
(But) Is there anything wrong with being unoccupied and vague?

Chorus
"What would humans be withouth love?
RARE, said Death"

-Terry Pratchett, 'Sourcery'
#2
Should I succumb, should I fall
Should I become Darwin's ultimate proof?
When there are so many threads pulling me,
Is there any sense in resisting?

Second line is great although what follows is cliche.
The chorus is reasonably interesting and I think I'm a fan but does it flow well?

lovve the repetition in some of the verses and this one is dynamic
And everytime I watch your
Everleering, evercoarse going-down-the-drain,
I feel infringed by what will leave me bare,
(But) Is there anything wrong with being unoccupied and vague?
#3
I like this. It's written in a very unique style and not something that I think I would hjave been able to think of. Also theer is a more cryptic subject matter - which is something I'm into. Please could you crit mine "Th eIncarnation Of An Angel"
#4
Thanks for the critique!


Second line is great although what follows is cliche.

Yap, have to agree unfortunately. Going to revise. Perhaps.

lovve the repetition in some of the verses

Sorry, but do you mean 'lower' or 'love'?


edit: What about:

Verse1:
Should I succumb, should I fall,
Should I become Darwin's ultimate proof?
When there are so many neon signs yelling at me,
Is there any sense in resisting?
"What would humans be withouth love?
RARE, said Death"

-Terry Pratchett, 'Sourcery'
Last edited by Karamell at Aug 3, 2006,
#5
"Sex and Violence, eventually it all melts down to this,
What am I but cunningly histrionic testosterone
Or, is there something more,
Apart from being carnal cologne?"


Kick ass chorus right there, brought it all back and summed up the meaning of the song.

"And along comes Buddha, with his friends and monks and stuff"


Stuff? Stuff? No, please, that is such a mundane word. Please.

Crit for crit? Thanks, the links are in my sig.