#1
I wrote this tonight, in about half an hour (perhaps it shows). Any feedback, negative or otherwise, would be much appreciated. I'm more concerned with improving the lyrics than preserving my ego so be as harsh as you like if you feel it deserves it. [Title has been edited]

<V1>
I've been waiting -
Some time to tell you this,
But you don't know -
Unto whom this is adressed

I'll keep my -
Cards closer to my chest
In time you -
May well find that I confess

<chorus>
They told me looks could kill,
and I know i'm dodging bullets...

These shooting stars are starting,
to upset my stomach.

<V2>

I know she's -
Only in it for the chase,
But she's welcome -
To come and put me in my place

I would give you -
Fourteen lines of fine ascent,
But I must warn -
My language differs from intent

<chorus>
They told me looks could kill,
and I know i'm dodging bullets...

These shooting stars are starting,
to upset my stomach.
Last edited by jackw at Aug 4, 2006,
#4
Hello. Sometimes if you're stuck for a title, it might be an idea to use a phrase from the song which sums it up. 'Shooting Stars' might work for this one.

I think this would be a good song, really. You seem to have got the lyrical talent to make something unusual.

The tip I normally give is that, if you're trying for a serious piece, you could consider forgetting any rhyme scheme, but otherwise this was good.
#5
Pretty good. I liked the writing but the flow seemed uneven to me for some reason, probly just me though. For a name I would just take something from the chorus like "dodging bullets" or "shooting stars" as cjw said.
#8
<V1>
I've been waiting -
Some time to tell you this,
But you don't know -
Unto whom this is adressed
Well, I'm waiting to see what you're going to say, haha. It's a good beginning though and it has good flow.

I'll keep my -
Cards closer to my chest
In time you -
May well find that I confess
Catchy, and I like it. You keep the flow going well.

<chorus>
They told me looks could kill,
and I know i'm dodging bullets...
Well, obviously, the first line is cliche', but presentation is 50% of your grade, and with the second line added, it's original, catchy, and interesting.

These shooting stars are starting,
to upset my stomach.
Once again, this is interesting. The song as a whole, thus far, seems very active and tangible as well. By tangible, I mean you give plenty of detail/imagery.

<V2>
I know she's -
Only in it for the chase,
But she's welcome -
To come and put me in my place
Okay, the only thing I would say at this point that is neggative is that I'm getting rather tired of abab rhyming.

I would give you -
Fourteen lines of fine ascent,
But I must warn -
My language differs from intent
This whole song is pretty damn catchy, well written, and has stupendid flow.

<chorus>
They told me looks could kill,
and I know i'm dodging bullets...

These shooting stars are starting,
to upset my stomach.

I really did like this. It seems thirty minutes is enough for you to write something good. The only thing I find lacking in this is, well, sustinence. You don't actually seem to SAY much in this. You identify a few character flaws of a woman, and how she's giving you "deadly" looks. It IS still good though.
#9
<V1>
I've been waiting -
Some time to tell you this,
But you don't know -
Unto whom this is adressed

I liked the idea but I just cant see the flow, the last line is like one sylabble too long

I'll keep my -
Cards closer to my chest
In time you -
May well find that I confess

Again, i dont like the flow maybe its just me and yet again the idea was good, the cards keeping closer to your chester, its nice, I can totally see where you are going with this

<chorus>
They told me looks could kill,
and I know i'm dodging bullets...

These shooting stars are starting,
to upset my stomach.

BEAUTIFUL, LOVED THIS, dont change it, flow was great, idea was great...'tis excellent

<V2>

I know she's -
Only in it for the chase,
But she's welcome -
To come and put me in my place

To be honest I didnt like it, it seems too forced of a rhyme, it seemed like you were just rhyming to be rhyming, if thats the case than it shows, if it isnt I wouldnt put a rhyme like this in

I would give you -
Fourteen lines of fine ascent,
But I must warn -
My language differs from intent

Again, it seems a wee bit forced but then again I also really liked it
<chorus>
They told me looks could kill,
and I know i'm dodging bullets...

These shooting stars are starting,
to upset my stomach.

It was a solid song, If it were me I would work on the 4 and 5 stanzas though, I lovvvved your chorus, overall id say a 7.5/10

Thanks for critiquing me song
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#10
i love this song

I'll keep my -
Cards closer to my chest
In time you -
May well find that I confess


I'm presuming these are stop start lines? If so they kick complete total ass. It can get a little cliché but who cares about a little bit of that here and there. Great work man.
Songs working on :

Nitelife
#11
ya a really good flow and good word choice and the chorus is really catchy althought the second part of the chorus "These shooting stars are starting, to upset my stomach." just doesnt seem to fit in i think something like "But one more shot and I might just get hit" which does put it into one line and idk if it goes with the concept you were looking for, but that might just be me and the original way still doesnt sound to bad maybe an 9 out of 10
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#12
I loved the format, with the sentences interrupted and such. I thought it was creative and a breath of fresh air compared to many lyrical styles I see on here.

Also, the last half of the chorus seriously made me laugh because of its genius.

Lastly, maybe "differs from my intent" instead of just intent there, my intent sounds clearer and if the flow is like what I imagine it would help.
#13
I dont know what to say... I'm actually speechless, attempting to grab at words in my mind to describe it. Ussually when I say this its either negative or postive... but uh, I'm neutral, its neither good nor bad, just rather there. Only thing I would very is the rhyme. But uh, my advice comes in three parts:

1. dont revise this at all, just let it be
2. write something new and post
3. tell me so i can crit it like hell

sorry, this is the worst crit I have ever written, but I honestly have nothing to say...
#14
I really enjoyed reading this one...is it a punk song?I can see it being a new school punk type of song...maybe I'm wrong,but yeah,it's pretty catchy!I like!