#1
Here's a song I've written. The lyrics are below. It's in the process of being recorded (with the band) so I'll take comments but won't be changing anything.
It starts slow and melodic but speeds up at the first refrain and the guitars get some crunch.

Well, enjoy. Crit for crit, you comment this, I'll tag back.

Two nights past daybreak
And I'm still here
Sound a trumpet call for
All the lost souls that
Are
Still
Near
Softly my darling
I won't leave
We'll stay together
We'll be here
'Til
The
End

I'll reimburse you with no delay
I'll reimburse you with no delay
I'll reimburse you with no delay
With no delay

This is my world under now
This is mine until I die
This is my blue sea
This is my big sky
This is my world under now
This is mine until I die
This is what I mean 'cause
This is my big sky

[Insert guitar solo here]

Lean your head against my shoulder now
I'm alright
Nothing matters as
Long as I'm with you
I'll keep you safe
I'll keep you safe
I'll keep you safe
I'll keep you whole
'Cause nothing matters
But the ride

I'll reimburse you with no delay
I'll reimburse you with no delay
I'll reimburse you with no delay
With no delay

This is my world under now
This is mine until I die
This is my blue sea
This is my big sky
This is my world under now
This is mine until I die
This is what I mean 'cause
This is my big sky

And I won't leave a man behind
As long as I'm with you
It's all for one
And done for all

This is my world under now
This is mine until I die
This is my blue sea
This is my big sky
This is my world under now
This is mine until I die
This is what I mean 'cause
This is my big sky

The edit thingy you can see was me changing the formatting/fixing typos, not editing the lyrics. If you want me to, I'll PM you when my band finishes recording it so's you can have a listen.
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Last edited by Felkara at Aug 3, 2006,
#2
Nice song and I agree with you. Don't change a thing. Would like to hear it sometime.
#4
Quote by #1 synth
black dotted, will get back to it later

but, uh, you know Big Sky is the name of an Aquabats song? I honestly dont care, just sayin...

Is it? I wouldn't know, I haven't exact;y listened to much Aquabats at all. Is their 'Big Sky' any good?

And thanks niceguitar, I like the lyrics too. *suppressed 'lol'*
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I could watch your avatar for hours.
Quote by thewho65
It's official: apparently, the U.K. is a nation of trolls.


ORANGE AMPLIFIERS Endorser and Proud.
#6
Very good, its uplifting without being cheesy, and kinda a love song without being juvenile like so many others in thsi forum. Nice imagery and flow, I dig the first line a lot
You get crazynickman's seal of lyrical genius. Now go to Disney World.
Quote by Douche ©
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Aww

The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~
#7
ZOMGWTFBBQ full crit!

Two nights past daybreak
As of here you have utilized not only the aspect of time but also a break of some sort of reality with the unusual measurements

And I'm still here
Meh, rather cliche dontcha think, you could easily make this line better

Sound a trumpet call for
Grammer and flow issues coming off the line before, the trumpet image is alright as long as you follow through somewhere

All the lost souls that
Are
Still
Near
Needless and unoriginal linebreak that, if anything, hinder the piece and message

Softly my darling
Some more grammer and flow problem, and I just realized you have been using no punctuation so goddamn, use some

I won't leave
We'll stay together
We'll be here
'Til
The
End
wowie, you just needed to add 'of time' at the end of this stanza to have a standup cliche stanza... good job?

I'll reimburse you with no delay
I'll reimburse you with no delay
I'll reimburse you with no delay
With no delay
reimburse doesnt work, find another word.

This is my world under now
This is mine until I die
This is my blue sea
This is my big sky
This is my world under now
This is mine until I die
This is what I mean 'cause
This is my big sky
Best part of the piece by far, it says what needs to be said without being too predictable

[Insert guitar solo here]
yay!

Lean your head against my shoulder now
I'm alright
Nothing matters as
Long as I'm with you
I'll keep you safe
I'll keep you safe
I'll keep you safe
I'll keep you whole
'Cause nothing matters
But the ride
nothing is tieing together, no continuality of ideas, nothing, keep themes and main ideas in constant repetition and not just spread your ideas out for no reason

I'll reimburse you with no delay
I'll reimburse you with no delay
I'll reimburse you with no delay
With no delay

This is my world under now
This is mine until I die
This is my blue sea
This is my big sky
This is my world under now
This is mine until I die
This is what I mean 'cause
This is my big sky

And I won't leave a man behind
As long as I'm with you
It's all for one
And done for all
Your attempt at wit failed to impress me in the least, sorry...

This is my world under now
This is mine until I die
This is my blue sea
This is my big sky
This is my world under now
This is mine until I die
This is what I mean 'cause
This is my big sky

Everything else is the same as before... overall, good for what it was, but it wasnt much...I think thats my new S&L catchphrase

crit my new one please? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=407351
#8
Wow, lots of comments have been a-'ppearin'

Lemme get to replying (in other words making excuses) but first #1 Synth, thanks for the massive crit, I'll be over to yours in a second.

Firstly, Crazynickman - I never really intended it to be a love song, it just happened. My actual inspiration was watching every Firefly episode in the space of two days so I was loaded with 'sky' metaphors. Thus, the title. Thanks for being so positive while also being restrained about it *suppressed 'lol'*. I was trying to capture select images from the series which the actual music for the piece helps with. In case you haven't seen or heard of Firefly (written by Joss Whedon and it's awesome, check it out. It's not showing at all because Fox cancelled it and they're idiots but you can buy the series on DVD for about $25 and there was that film that continued where the series left off: Serenity). Anyways, the first first (with slower, more melodic but also more subdued instrumental and vocal lines) represents the very first scene of the series, albeit a bit more romantisised (sp?). After that, the song speeds up in an attempt to recreate the exilleration (dammit, can't spell) for 'owning your own spaceship' etc. etc. etc. Thanks for the comment, now I'm off to Disney World ^_^

#1 Synth, what can I say... THANKYOU!!! I love any constructive crits, especially those that aren't entirely positive. Thankyou so much.

Now for excuses... >.<
Grammar and flow issues - I don't use grammar when I write lyrics. Generally, when I write a song, I tab it out and have the lyrics in the same document (I use Notepad for spacing) and often they will be mixed up. In the case of this song, the guitar and bass tabs for the first verse practically alternate with the lyric lines. However, when writing lyrics, I also space them out so I'll remember pauses, breaks or the actual tune for when I'm practicing and perfecting the song. The line breaks in the first verse(s? - anyways, before the prechorus) were to remind me that there were large pauses there. I'll have to remember that in future, when posting lyrics on U-G, I should punctuate and format them properly ut it was a choice, spend ages on the post and do it the next day, or do a quick copy-and-paste job and then go and eat dinner.
Cliches - as I've mentioned before in this post, this song was inspired by a television series. Because of that, I tried to make as many subtle references to it as I possible could. The cliches and their placement in the song help to invoke those images in my mind although I doubt it would work on anyone else. As for my super cliche stanza which you so kindly pointed out, it's meant to be a cliche and it's meant to stink of it. However, there's a reason I didn't add 'time' to the end. Firstly, it wouldn't work with the flow of the song, secondly, the people in the song are not waiting until the end of time, but merely (with respect to the images in my mind) until the medical spaceship appears to save their sick and wounded regiment. This (should, hopefully) tie(s) in with the I won't leave a man behind line in the Middle Eight - another miliatary reference because honestly, when else would you say that?
Reimburse - it probably doesn't work and I agree that it's the most tenuous section in the entire song, but it works with my imagery and I'm a terrible pack rat when it comes to original drafts - I can never edit them too much - although you'd be surprised what the first verse used to look like.
Guitar Solo - YAY TOO!!! Our lead guitarist sticks in an awesome improvised solo right here which works very well with the change in pace that occured a few bars earlier.
The lack of continuity - Actually, I hate to disagree with such a helpful commenter but the continuity isn't lost at all. I tend to think that if in one verse you have a line which says I won't leave/We'll stay together and Nothing matters as long as I'm with you and all the rest of that verse, it's pretty much teh same lyrics theme - protection with a hint of optimism. Granted, you are entitled to yoru opinion but I disagree with thsi observation of yours.
An attempt at wit - I understand why this didn't impress you. I wasn't trying to be witty!! The first two lines are a miliatary reference while the second half was meant to be 'one for all' but I spelt it wrong and accidentally sang it like that at band practice. The other band members liked the way it sounded more than what I meant it to sound like so I kept the change. Sorry if you didn't liek it but no wit was intended there.
Your catchphrase - use it more, then people liek me will elevate our substandard lyrical writing to new levels of awesome. Thanks for commenting dude, you were a great help, and were tis song not already half recorded and been gigged into oblivion, I might make teh changes as you described them.

Now, I'm off to Disneyworld!!! ^_^
Quote by Sizzleby
I could watch your avatar for hours.
Quote by thewho65
It's official: apparently, the U.K. is a nation of trolls.


ORANGE AMPLIFIERS Endorser and Proud.
#9
Quote by Felkara
Wow, lots of comments have been a-'ppearin'

Lemme get to replying (in other words making excuses) but first #1 Synth, thanks for the massive crit, I'll be over to yours in a second.

Firstly, Crazynickman - I never really intended it to be a love song, it just happened. My actual inspiration was watching every Firefly episode in the space of two days so I was loaded with 'sky' metaphors. Thus, the title. Thanks for being so positive while also being restrained about it *suppressed 'lol'*. I was trying to capture select images from the series which the actual music for the piece helps with. In case you haven't seen or heard of Firefly (written by Joss Whedon and it's awesome, check it out. It's not showing at all because Fox cancelled it and they're idiots but you can buy the series on DVD for about $25 and there was that film that continued where the series left off: Serenity). Anyways, the first first (with slower, more melodic but also more subdued instrumental and vocal lines) represents the very first scene of the series, albeit a bit more romantisised (sp?). After that, the song speeds up in an attempt to recreate the exilleration (dammit, can't spell) for 'owning your own spaceship' etc. etc. etc. Thanks for the comment, now I'm off to Disney World ^_^


Ahh don't flatter yourself, I also give awards for Xtreme Lyrical Genius, MegaLyrical Genius and MindBlowing Lyrical Genius.

Well I've never seen, firefly, I may check it out one of these says.
Quote by Douche ©
I may not be cool off the internet, but on the internet I am pretty cool.

Aww

The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~