#1
Well my farewell story was On The Spot and so will be my hello poem. Not altered since I wrote it in this very text box, and I actually did originally write it with the colors and such... enjoy, and may I just say, Its great to be back!
O, and the meaning is on the topic of imagination and innocence as that is the topic of my life at the moment, the rest of the deceiphering is up to you.
Dear Dylan,

Step 1: The Subconcious


I now express regret for our protracted union
And sixteen years of chipped chap stick
Melted in specks to my asphalt lips
That haven?t ever been opened to another?s but yours,
And I?m sorry I guess? for apparently fair-skin is sinful and sin is fair-skinned.
But:


[Some lives are lead, sinking fast
In the mouths of ancient rivers
I touch your neck, your hands, your legs
Your entire body quivers]


Step 2: The Concious Memory

I remember how we laid the forlorn midday mist
Impregnating breath and broken switches kissing around our harsh figures,
Catalyzing an inefficient machine that was
Cranking out little half-processed products of inspiration.
Well, you don?t deserve it and nor do I,
We are our own men, living and breathing
Creatures that need freedom,
Mortals that need air,
And I cannot breathe out for you anymore.

[Two fingers up and fake whales
Are cut, on the flinty pebbled mainland, while
Tales are read and dread is dread
Time is rolling round your locks]


Step 3: The Will

I do want you to know that you?re not completely helpless, for
I?ve learned a lot from your mangled face and broken wrists,
For instance, I discovered that things without purpose are impossible,
Barred back by something I think you called a ?conscious?.
I also revealed that speech ruins all communication and sound ruins belief?
Or something to that effect having to do with ?virgin ears?.
Most importantly though, I have learned that in order to live
I must pray for you and me, I must love for us and to us;
In order to breathe in and out each day I must have something to believe in,
Something less soiled than the name of ?God?.


[You taught me of a
Conscious virgin God
Praying for life and lifeless limbs,
Cranking out airless breath,
Nearly focusing out of the ethereal
Into Belief, but falling short,
And sticking to my staining chapped lips]


Step 4: The Question: Heaven or Hell?

And now Dylan, please join with me in prayer for us and to us, to the world,
Or maybe, just maybe, we will stop breathing and die.

[No.
I am a ghost.
I am a ghost.
I am a ghost.
I am a ghost.
And my machine made wind is kissing you to paranoia]

-Sincerely, your dearest Dylan
Last edited by #1 synth at Aug 4, 2006,
#4
A unique piece from you like always. Very stylistic, especially the darkening of the green text, stands for the changing of yourself I suppose? I am still trying to decipher the meaning of the dark red, your consciousness talking to you or something?

"I touch your neck, your hands, your legs
Your entire body quivers"

on this part I would put "When" in front of "I" it reads strangely the way you have it now...

I really like the red part of the ending. The green part needs a bit more description, I didn't really draw much from that part. Not much to really change though, you had a great idea and it followed through. Good Job

Can you take a look at my newest when you get a sec? Link is in my sig
#5
If anyone wants me to explain my thought process while writing this I'd be happy to oblige, its quite an interesting story of rebirth and self-discovery... I think it is at least.

much wuv to you three, Ronan, Dylan 2, and dakmac, and yes, I enjoyed the darkening green
#6
Ok i've read it twice. And still struggling to decipher the meaning or purpose behind it. My first thought was that it was about a lover (Melted in specks to my asphalt lips
That haven?t ever been opened to another?s but yours), but then I realised the passage is both to and from the same person. Argh.

My second thought was that, in faliure of my first guess, it is two voices of the same persons conscience mulling over various questions of life (love/purpose/religion/ and in the latter stages, death). In terms of colours, darkening green seems to suggest deepening of the thoughts, while red is consistent and acts as the voice of reason.

Hell, i'm just guessing now! Please explain...

Check out the song in my sig, thanks.
#7
On first glance, it looks like you ripped off Matt's style... too much. The non-sensical imagery coupled with some of your off-hand metaphors makes it not you, and more Matt. I know that this was probably unintentional, and maybe this is your re-birth. If it is, fine, but you need to fine-tune it now.

I'll get more in-depth later.
#8
I really don't think he ripped off Matt. At all. Now I'm far from being an expert on Matt, but "forlorn midday mist" just doesn't ring out as very Matt. Maybe I'm wrong - just my opinion. It's a different style. The only thing they have in common is an abundance of style. Abundant but differing.

I quite like this, I'll prolly come back when I get a chance .
Ro
ρ
#9
Ripping off Matt? fo' rizzle? not my intention at all, going to a movie now but when I get back I will explain both part of the meaning and why I am absalutely not attempting to copy Matt.
#10
I now express regret for our protracted union
And sixteen years of chipped chap stick
Melted in specks to my asphalt lips
That haven?t ever been opened to another?s but yours,
And I?m sorry I guess? for apparently fair-skin is sinful and sin is fair-skinned.
But:

Wow, this is fantastic, it immediatly gets my attention. I also love the "chipped chap stick" bit, it rolls off the tongue and is a great little play on words. I also love the fourth line, i can totally relate to it right now, this is already starting to be a very emotional peice to me. Great.

[Some lives are lead, sinking fast
In the mouths of ancient rivers
I touch your neck, your hands, your legs
Your entire body quivers]

Not much to say here, Its great, the rhyme at the end really pulls it all together and it just seems to fit, rather than being a forced rhyme it just seems to...well fit..again.

I remember how we laid the forlorn midday mist
Impregnating breath and broken switches kissing around our harsh figures,
Catalyzing an inefficient machine that was
Cranking out little half-processed products of inspiration.
Well, you don?t deserve it and nor do I,
We are our own men, living and breathing
Creatures that need freedom,
Mortals that need air,
And I cannot breathe out for you anymore.

The song starts to change here, the style of writing i mean, the quality is still great. I love the use of words that you wouldnt hear very often but to me it just doesnt seem like it flows as easily as the first two stanzas did, if this is supposed to be poetry than its great, but i really cant see this in a song

[Two fingers up and fake whales
Are cut, on the flinty pebbled mainland, while
Tales are read and dread is dread
Time is rolling round your locks]

Great, kinda pink floydish with the way it lures away from the original simpleness to a metaphorical story, if u will. Great. Wouldnt change it


I do want you to know that you?re not completely helpless, for
I?ve learned a lot from your mangled face and broken wrists,
For instance, I discovered that things without purpose are impossible,
Barred back by something I think you called a ?conscious?.
I also revealed that speech ruins all communication and sound ruins belief?
Or something to that effect having to do with ?virgin ears?.
Most importantly though, I have learned that in order to live
I must pray for you and me, I must love for us and to us;
In order to breathe in and out each day I must have something to believe in,
Something less soiled than the name of ?God?.

I?ve learned a lot from your mangled face and broken wrists,
For instance, I discovered that things without purpose are impossible,
Barred back by something I think you called a ?conscious?.
That was one of the best lines ive ever heard from you and that mangled face and broken wrists is rather amazing lol. The song is really coming along and it really seems like your telling a story in a song fashion. It gets into tremendous detail which I love.


[You taught me of a
Conscious virgin God
Praying for life and lifeless limbs,
Cranking out airless breath,
Nearly focusing out of the ethereal
Into Belief, but falling short,
And sticking to my staining chapped lips]


amazing, the way you brought it all back to your chapped lips. haha GREAT SIMPLY FANTASTIC


And now Dylan, please join with me in prayer for us and to us, to the world,
Or maybe, just maybe, we will stop breathing and die.

[No.
I am a ghost.
I am a ghost.
I am a ghost.
I am a ghost.
And my machine made wind is kissing you to paranoia]

This is an amazing song and Im not just saying to get a fast critique. It was truly wonderful. Please take a look at mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=408071
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#11
^ actually that was a bloody awesome crit, thanks man! any name you want me to call you by? I feel rather weird just callin you WLCM

Will get to all of yours in the morning, sorry for the delay, I've been extremely busy.
#12
no problem, my name is patrick, i hope to be around this forum a lot just like when i first started coming here, so im sure youll hear from me again
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#13
WHERES MY FULL CRIT!?

Sorry, I posted it, must've not gone through. Basically: I really enjoy this whole thing, and re-reading I found a lot of neat things. Recommendations: [Some lives are lead, sinking fast
In the mouths of ancient rivers
I touch your neck, your hands, your legs
Your entire body quivers]

Divide those up and do something more with each, because they're two unconnected ideas in my mind.

I do want you to know that you?re not completely helpless, for
I?ve learned a lot from your mangled face and broken wrists,
For instance, I discovered that things without purpose are impossible,
Barred back by something I think you called a ?conscious?.
I also revealed that speech ruins all communication and sound ruins belief?
Or something to that effect having to do with ?virgin ears?.
Most importantly though, I have learned that in order to live
I must pray for you and me, I must love for us and to us;
In order to breathe in and out each day I must have something to believe in,
Something less soiled than the name of ?God?.

That is wonderful, albeit a tad pretentious... forget tad, it's very.

I am a ghost.
I am a ghost.
I am a ghost.
I am a ghost.

Why the repitition?

And sticking to my staining chapped lips]

OH! You brought back the chapped lips. You clever writer you. I like it.
#14
nice to meet you Patrick, my names Dylan :waves:

Ret/james: thanks alot man, your praise means alot you have a new one you want me to look at man?

Edit: o ya, the repetition thing is what I do when I want to show the character is in complete disbelief of the situation, almost doubt that he is in existence (either live or dead) so really it could be interpreted as a good repetition or bad, its the readers choice. My point is that though most people assosiate death as a bad thing I want them to see the other-side in that the blessing of existence in general is just that, a blessing.
Last edited by #1 synth at Aug 7, 2006,
#15
Quote by #1 synth

Ret/james: thanks alot man, your praise means alot you have a new one you want me to look at man?


I'm writing something now... but I don't know if you'll like it. It's more song-y than my more recent stuff has been, probably because I'm focusing on songwriting and not just lyrics. It's trying to be a fun summer pop thing, so we'll see how it turns out. I'm usually bad at that stuff. But don't expect this to be devoid of all poetic techniques and, of course, my style which is... slightly... better than yours.

However, I might end up writing some more poetry or something.

Once again though: This is excellent, minus some slight things that could be changed if you choose to.

Edit: Ah, your other pieces make more sense now too. I kind of got what you were going for, and I mean, it's artistic as hell, but I wanted to know what you meant by it exactly at the end of the piece like that...
Last edited by Retribution at Aug 7, 2006,
#16
I have meaning to every word on the page and even if its completely pretentious its the truth, I try to make everything add up on different levels, if it doesnt then IMHO I have failed... more or less.