#1
Things in parentheses are said in the background, just incase someone didn?t know.

Spoken:
Cigarettes
Martinis
Top hats
This is what we call class
(and politics)


Bombs
Religions
Lies
This is what we call politics
(and class)

V1
Today?s Gordian Knot stems from yesterday?s vices
Government proves your pons asinorum:
Dear president, synectics could help you
If you?d allow them
(For now, I?ll allow your synapses to catch up)

V2
These interactions, called policies
They?re synthesized.
Justified brutalities and subsequent apologies
I prefer my backstabbing kosher
(For now, you can get back to stabbing me)

Chorus:
Who am I
That?s where one question lies
Enquire upon my beauty
But tremble at my wrath

What am I
That?s where one question lies
Question my means
But you will remember the ends

I?d like to tell you about me

V3
Green from the flowering trees
They don?t bark or bite
But they certainly scream
You all are just in need of another type of lush
One that turns the tides and the tables
It sometimes deafens and blinds justice too
If they will stay hushed.
(For now, but not much longer, I?ll be deaf and blind to you.)

V4
For whom the bell tolls
Rung with lynching, bullets, and a water hose
Those sent away and those encaged
Those victims of voracious predation
You bear the hands sullied and soiled
Though you can?t put faces with names
(For now, you can put paper trails and lies in the way)

CHORUS

V5
Let me vulgarize my identity
Though you will say sedition and treason
Flow through my veins
My heart pumps reason and that alone
My lips articulate candor
My actions exhibit fidelity
All against you.

V6
Who am I
I am the people
I am the constituency
I am the let down

V7
What am I
I am the activist
I am the voice
I am the revolution

V8
This I?ll let you know
I won?t quit until once again
You answer to me

REPEAT SPOKEN PORTION


As always, crit for crit. And I mean, a lot of you should know, my crits are always rad and in depth. So, go for it. haha
#2
I really like the way that the opening lines suggest comfort and opulence, in great contradiction to the more sinister aspects of the following stanza. I also think the spoken bits work well at the end of each verse.

Although I prefer 'Scene One: He Wants her to want him' I'm impressed with your ability to channel (and express coherently) your passion in your writing, and although the theme differs greatly (woman/politics) the eloquence and insightfulness does not waver.

Sorry, this has been more of a tribute to your writing in general than a helpful crit, either way please check out https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=407060
#3
Thats some pretty damn good writing, Im not really sure what to say. Actually, I don't really picture this as a song, at least in the begining verses, it just seems like it would be read naturally at that point instead of put to music, maybe just me. Anyway, I have nothing really I can say about your writing other than "awesome". One thing I might chenge would be to stick those last three verses together since the lines get shorter and they would be punched out pretty quickly (Im guessing) but that depends on your style of music. Really good song though.
#4
Really good stuff. Some very creative lines. I normally don't read long stuff like this, simply because I can't. I get to bored. But I did rather enjoy this one. I did not like the last verses (6, 7, and 8). Even though it does provide closure and it helps tie everything together, I think it takes away from the aesthetic values of the song because they are rather cliche.

Good job. Thanks for critiqueing my poem. 8.5/10
#5
Amazing structure. I loved the changing allusions from verse to verse, especially the change from nature allusions to war illusions in verse 3-4.
I would have considerd verse 7 and 8 to be one but it dosnt really affect the flow. And excelent song you tackelled the tpoip with perfection, without resorting to vulgarities and having an informed and mature aproach.
Good Charlotte sounds like...uh...they sound like...um...well, they taste like a popsicle stick thats been shoved up someones ass -Eddie Vedder

REMEMBER DISCO: All stupid fads go away with time. STOP COMPLAINING
#6
This one didnt interest me at much but there is one thing i noticed, though i didnt look in depth to notice everything. Why does a ' justified brutality' need an apology if its justified anyway?

-Mike

If your returning part three is up
Last edited by TrigFunction at Aug 5, 2006,
#7
Overall these lyrics were pretty nice. It was creative and has a lot of emotion. I really liked the chorus. But I can't see this as a song either. It has too many words some people might not know. I'm not sure about the length either. It didn't hold my attention all the way through. But it's still overall a pretty good piece. Good job.