#1
Tonights Lovely Nightmare

V1
Pressed against my lips, I'm up against the wall,
My hands around your hips standing in a now ficticious hall.
Holding tight, feelings reaching tremendous heights,
I think we both just might
Be in for a wonderful time tonight.

V2
Sinking lower our wieght sounds against the floor
Sitting right, I have you up against the door
I'll wrap my arms around your neck, breathing to perfect rhyme,
How does it feel to be on the receiving end this time?

CHORUS
Im tying up my mind tonight
With thoughts of you close in sight.
I think one bite will satisfy this lust.
Wraping your throat in precious revenge,
The back of your neck has never tasted so nice.

V3
My arms unfold, I touch your throat,
Both hands close, like a tightening rope.
Now you see, this is no ordinary love scene,
You thought tonight you were in for a wonderful delight,
Well guess again, you were wrong,
Once again you've urged my angsty thougts along,
And this time its landed you right where you belong.

(CHORUS)

To know your wrong must be tough,
But to think your right must be worse.
Last edited by takes2tokill at Aug 7, 2006,
#2
This is really disturbing man. Sorry it just is to...well...disturbing for me. It shocked me. I thought this would be about a really emotional time of love, sex, togetherness. Not murder. Sorry.
#3
lol
ya that is what you expect huh?
but.. this is just how my life works. i love sum1 so much, that i'd die w/o them in my life, but at the same time they act like all they want is to make out or sumthing and hate me 2 death.. so.. idk about them nemore, and sumtimes the person i love makes me so mad i wanna kill em'. ..but still love them more than anything.
yes confusing.
#4
Tonight's Lovely Nightmare

V1
Pressed against my lips, I'm up against the wall,
My hands around your hips standing in a now ficticious hall.
Holding tight, feelings reaching tremendous heights,
I think we both just might
Be in for a wonderful time tonight.
"ight,ight, ight, ight" A'ight? If don't cath my meaning there, I'm saying that you over used that rhyme. Other than that, and the fact that I don't understand the "now fictitious hall" part, this is a good stanza. Nice emotion, and imagery.

V2
Sinking lower our wieght sounds against the floor
Sitting right, I have you up against the door
I'll wrap my arms around your neck
How does it feel to be on the receiving end this time?
Your syllables go: 11, 11, 8, 14. Maybe you could shorten the last line? Other than that, this is good as well.

CHORUS
Im tying up my mind tonight
With thoughts of you close in sight.
I think one bite will satisfy this lust.
Wrap your throat in precious revenge,
The back of your neck has never tasted so nice.
I'll do the negative positive sandwich because I'm beginning to feel like an ass. I keep being negative, though, overall, I do like this piece. It's another good stanza in general. The flow is poor. Good imagery again, and I love the mental picture the "tying" of the mind gives. The first two verses reffered in some way to hands/arms around her neck/throat; it's getting repetitive. I'm getting the feeling that this guy is a vampire at the moment.

V3
My arms unfold, I touch your throat,
Both hands close, like a tightening rope.
Now you see, this is no ordinary love scene,
You thought tonight you were in for a wonderful delight,
Well guess again, you were wrong.
Once again you've urged my angsty thougts along,
And look where its landed you, right where you belong.
This has good flow, and all that jazz, but once again you reffer to something around the throat. Also, it seems too...cheesy. You basically, through lines 3-6 TELL the reader everything that has already been told/inferred.

(CHORUS)

To know your wrong must be tough,
But to think your right must be worse.
I do like the ending, very much. It's short - and true - but good.

I think it could use a little brushing up, but it is a good song, with a good idea behind it. I also like how you begin it making the reader/listener feel like it's a love song, and then mid-way you let the darker side come out. Very good juxtaposition.

If you could get to my newest one, it's the link that say, "my newest song" in my sig. Please, and thanks.
#5
This reminds me very much of Robert Browning's poem 'Porphyria's Lover' (Google it if you're interested). Equally creepy! I thikn verse one and two are good starting points in the way that they set the scene without giving away the sinister element behind your writing prematurely. Apart from the toastdemon has mentioned, I would avoid over using the word 'tonight' (it's used in 2 out of the three verses as well as the chorus, which occurs twice). The ending is really good. Please crit the song in my sig if you get the chance.
#6
i edited it a little, and added some to line 3 in verse 2 to help it flow a little better, but im not sure if that worked..
#7
Geez...thats kinda...morbid.
Nice imagery, i loved it, and it kinda gave off a dark, sad emotional feeling to it. The corrections to the verses made it flow good so you got it there. The last lines are great to end it.


If you can check mine, the links in the sig.
thx and appreciated.
~Steve