#1
--The Journals--

August 11th, 1987 4:52 p.m

The doctor said I had to start writing in this notebook. I really like it, its a pretty blue color. I really dont know what im supposed to write, he said just write anything that comes to mind. Im really tired, while we were at the hospitel we had to go visit someone. It was really boring, and I had to stay there for hours.

August 14th, 1987 12:02

We have to go to a funeral in a little bit. I really dont want to, but Mommy says we have to. She says I can bring Frank though. She started to cry after that, i really dont know why she cries, Frank is so nice. I'll write about it when i get back.


--Reality--

"May you rest in peace."

Frank is being really serious right now. He told me to be very quiet, and not to yell. Mommy is supposed to take me up to this box with a dead person in it. I can see her walking to me.

"Come with me baby"

"Im scared Mommy"

"Dont be scared honey"

We slowly began to walk up to the box and just stare at the man. He had prickly things on his face and was wearing a really long coat.

"Do you know who this man is baby"

"No, but I really like the prickly things on his face"

She quickly burst into tears. I really hate it when she cries, I never know why. Turning to Frank I can see him crying as well, feeling my own tears coming. We all cried.


really want to know what happens. dontcha... dontcha... ya know you do

-Mike
Last edited by TrigFunction at Aug 7, 2006,
#5
This is great. I enjoy reading your writng. It is very entertaining. Yah...come on make the rest.
#7
this has me really intrigued. I know the little boy is the character from the 1st and 2nd parts and this is going back. I noticed the journal part has misspellings on purpose to show the childness. I think you should change "visit" to "see"(maybe it's just me but I almost never used the word "visit" as a child.

The description of the dead man sounds like the hobo and the mother sounds like she is talking about a really close relative/friend when talking about the dead man. I don't know who the frank character is though, sounds like a brother. I don't know what the cigarette part in the earlier journals mean yet either, hopefully in the conclusion it will be explained. I'm beginning to really enjoy these journal pieces.
#11
---The Journal---

July 23rd, 1998 11:43 p.m.

I watched a boy get wrestled to the ground today, beaten and bruised. I sat on the bench, watching him, seeing the shame in his eyes. Eventually they left and the boy lay there, blood flowing from his mouth, and i slowly left to walk home. 'Least it wasnt me.

The continuity here is lacking, if you want bulleted arrogant teenage statements fine but you cant also have very emotive adjectives, it just doesn?t work. Okay scene, nothing striking me as ?great? right off the bat.

July 26th, 1998 7:21 p.m.

I took Ashley to Chilis today, I would say it went fairly well. Though, it was a little ackward at the end, a poor man walked up to me and asked me for a few bucks. I pulled out my wallet to show him i only had a dollar, which he graciously accepted. I was happy to know i had my hundreds hidden.

I hope you did it on purpose, but you misspelled ?awkward?. Again, if your going for the whole teenage vibe, words like ?graciously accepted? are too elegant, too much like a pure narrative and not a journal. The last line was nice though, intriguing. It better lead somewhere though, like somewhere solid, if you don?t follow through I?ll be disappointed.

July 28th, 1998 1 a.m.

Someone was following me today. I dont know who it was but he was everywhere. He had a scraggly beard and a dark green trench coat. Probably nothing. Anyways, another rather interesting event today, I was walking down the street and a blind man was crossing the road. I didnt have the courage to help him, and I'm rather glad i didnt because that was a SIGHT. This 'stang came crusing down and just TOOK HIM OUT. Boy did he fly.

Again the ?another rather interesting event? is just rather pretentious and not journal like. I also think it would be better if you wrote ?dear Diary? or something to that effect instead of this bull**** ?Journal?/?reality? system, it completely throws me out of the story. Meh to the rest, interesting but not great, it could be done better I think.

July 30th, 1998 6 p.m.

I keep seeing him. Everywhere. Hes haunting me, or something. Coursing through my veins and dreams, never staying long enough for me to say something. I cant take it anymore.

?Coursing? is out of character. Just not enough continuality to keep me interested through the entire first journal entries section. Parts were great, parts were crap and rather mediocre.

---Reality---
I?m not going to voice this anymore but I absolutely hate this system of reality vs. journal. The only reason to do a stylistic thing this bold is for the symbolism of it, since I don?t believe there is any true symbolism try another, more subtle and witty, way to transition.

I just got to put it out there she can take it how she likes

"I love you Ashley"

I REALLY need a cigarrete

"Thats really nice of you John"

"Can you hold on one second i need to use the restroom"

Intresting in a non-interesting way if you see what I?m saying. What I want to see out of this entire piece is a way to connect the different parts so I can say to myself at the end ?goddamn that was well thought out and constructed? thus far I don?t feel that. (I do realize that I?m guilty of the same thing in most of my pieces)

Running as fast as i could to the gas station i saw him. Sitting on the corner, holding a sign. That same scraggly beard and trench coat. As he saw me he quickly turned his sign around, ripping it up. I ran over to him and punched him right in the face asking him what the hell the sign said. He told me i didnt deserve to know, and dissapeared.

"Sorry it took so long some hobo caused a scene in the lobby"

"The one with the sign?"

"I dont know, what'd it say"

"Repent, the Lord is coming"

better than the rest, hell, I really wanna know what the disappearing thing was about, however, the narrative itself was weak, coming from the narrator rather than the author, too much discrepancy.

--The Journal--

July 31st, 1998 8:06 p.m
I?m liking how your keeping the time-frame small.

Like seriously, i want to know WHAT THE HELL is going on. I finally talked to the man today, though its a rather tiresome story and I'd rather just keep it in my head. Me and Ashley have decided to take a break for awhile. She told me i was moving too fast for her. In a way, im happy, it seems i have a few things to sort out in my own life, starting with him. A ghost? No, it couldnt be. God? To spend so much time on you? Dont be such a prick.
Uh, fine on its own but when put together with the rest it just doesn?t add up, I don?t believe you have set the context up enough, I would put up a couple of ?faux? entries that just set the scene of the author and his journal just to suspend belief, if only a little.

August 3rd, 1998 1:32 a.m.

Strange dream tonight, and i really dont want to forget it. I was walking along a dark path lined with trees. Ashley was there too, and...him. I felt... frightened... and hurried. Though it felt so real, or rather, he did. I couldnt walk my own speed, only his. I couldnt stop, only follow. Whenever i tried to move my own way, I was still moving in the same direction, though to me it seemed i wasnt getting anywhere. It was a feeling i never wish to feel again.
Excellent, best part of the piece, nothing to suggest, borderline perfect but I have nothing to suggest? GJ!

--Reality--

Cigarette. Cigarette. Cigarette.

I knew he'd be there, sitting in the same spot holding another sign. Don't trip, it said. I ran as fast as i could toward him but he just disappeared, funny though, i tripped right on the curb.
For a second time, not enough continuation and follow through on the ?I finally talked to the man today, though its a rather tiresome story and I'd rather just keep it in my head? line. Unless you are making some kind of giant symbolic statement of lying to the journal as a sense of lying to yourself, this failure to follow-up is almost inexcusable.

--The Journal--

August 5th, 1998 6:04 p.m.

Maybe if I'm staring straight-foward im too focused on my destination.
Sure, you continue what you were saying before but that doesn?t matter if the rest doesn?t add up to this point?

--The Journals--
uh, the rest of the ?journal? headings aren?t plural ?

August 11th, 1990 4:52 p.m
I don?t believe this ?time lapse? works, find another way to work it in.

The doctor said I had to start writing in this notebook. I really like it, its a pretty bloo color. I really dont know what im supposed to write, he said just write anything that comes to mind. Im really tired, while we were at the hospitel we had to go visit someone. It was really boring, and I had to stay there for hours.

Now you are doing a much better job getting into the character, nice set up for something, just please, this time, follow through with something big. O, and I still hate the ?bloo?, its just bad poise.

August 14th, 1990 12:02
Would a person of this age know the time, day and year? I mean sure, he could but your going to have to explain how?

We have to go to a funeral in a little bit. I really dont want to, but Mommy says we have to. She says I can bring Frank though. She started to cry after that, i really dont know why she cries, Frank is so nice. I'll write about it when i get back.
Excellent execution.

--Reality--

"May you rest in peace."

Frank is being really serious right now. He told me to be very quiet, and not to yell. Mommy is supposed to take me up to this box with a dead person in it. I can see her walking to me.

"Come with me baby"

"Im scared Mommy"

"Dont be scared honey"

We slowly walked up to the box and just stared at the man. He had prickly things on his face and was wearing a really long coat.

"Do you know who this man is baby"

"No, but I really like the prickly things on his face"

She quickly burst into tears. I really hate it when she cries, I never know why. I turned to Frank, and he was crying to, and I started to cry. I didnt know why i was crying, I just felt it was right. We all cried.

Simplistic, and not in a good way. Thus far you have so many loose ends I fear there is no possible way for you to tie it together. I have a feeling I know what direction you are going in though and if I?m right it should be an excellent ending. However the sheer amount of open-ended, un-follow-upped threads and things are holding this so incredibly down. I wanna like this, I really do, but I don?t and I cant until you make this more believable, more real to life. Also, I think the depth is too shallow, I would be more like Pooch and attempt to put a couple of layers of comprehension for the audience to grasp. Again, I?m guilty of these same things in my little story as well but please, do as I say, not what I do

However, I would like to say I appreciate and admire the great amount of effort and practice you are putting into this, keep up the good work.
#12
I actually, do have a plan to tie everything in. When i wrote the first piece there was no "series" and the second piece was just a continuation type thing another piece with a seperate meaning. But it was when i wrote the third part i knew exactly where i was going with it, and it works out perfectly. Everything will be tied in. One part i agree with you, is the unrealisiticness of the diary entries ( at times). Anyways i want to hear your "theory" on how this is going to turn out, because if you honestly guessed it, i will bow down, and call you a god.
#13
Dammit I just lost a lot of stuff I wrote. Fucking UG.

I like this. I agree with a lot of what Synth said, especially about suspending disbelief (I assume that's what you meant to say, Synth).
Nice work, hurry up and reveal the mystery!
#14
actually, ****, I dont know what the **** your going to do as there is so many different paths you could take, I honestly dont even remember what my little 'theory' was. Here is how I would end it:
First take two things into account. first, with the way you are projecting this, in the ending, you must fuck with reality and peoples perception of reality as much as possible. Second, you must tie up every character you have introduced, including the untangable characters such as time flow and money-like themes. {mmmmm, this is good ice cream}

Keeping this and my personal preference with conclusions (remember this is just what synth would do) in mind, this is what I would end with. (and I believe I will save this as an OTS piece if you dont mind)

Journal

A rainy day in June, year unknown, but I have a feeling its 5:57PM.

Dear Diary,
I think I'm dead. I think I'm bleeding out men and women's shadows onto my trench coat and stubble. I think dreams are closer than they wanna make me think... What I remember? well, I dont remember, I dont remember anything, except for six eyes. And i remember being violated by them, raped by glares and figure-less hands. But this rape was weirder than the others, I think I remember hearing a girls voice... It couldnt be my Ashley could it? O journal, was it my ashley?... What is this... I cant open my eyes... I cant see you journal! Journal where are you! I love you man! I love you ashley! I love you journal! Why cant I see you...

Reality

I smoke the sin away under my breath and punch my face. and I punch and punch and punch and punch and I CANT SEE! And I scream:
"O blind men set me free from... blind men set me free from me..."
And I cry, as it just seems like the thing to do, 'sightless sights are beautiful' I say to myself as i trip over myself into the open casket. I really like the prickly things on my face and i touch them just to know I'm still there. The man is with me too he whispers "rest in peace" and i feel... calm, I feel my obituary being written on the box:
'Teenage boy, suicide, the shame was just too much'


hehehe that was the most cool OTS thing ever anyway, hope you enjoyed it, complete bull****t and all. Anyway, if I was writing this I would use that as a base to the ending. however, as you already know what your doing, this shouldnt be too much help... uh, I guess, thanks for giving me something to do for 20 mins. on a sunday night when all my amigos are out of town!
#15
haha thanks dylan, i just finished it. and im un sure of how it turned out. Originally the first piece was just a single one, with a nice little meaning. The second, the same. Then the third i turned it into a story, incorpating pieces that werent meant to be incorporated. So im unsure if it worked the way id liked. Eventually i will post the full thing. ( probably within one or two days) to see if anybody likes it. IdK if it turned out well or not. Probably confusing, though. And dylan that lil diddy of yours is pretty cool actually. Though, more your style. if you want a pre read to tell me what you think get on aim you dirty ... ant
#16
I'm going to need to see the tie-in to make a lick of sense of this - as it is, I can't make apples or oranges, because there is a purposeful amount of information left out that needs later explaining. So, I'll drop a full comment when Part IV (I'm guessing) starts to connect some of the characters.


... Unless the man at the funeral is actually the boy, who is watching himself dead and, hence, disconnected from the reality that he is, in actuality, mature - severing sanity and responsibility in a single cut and entering the remainder of life in a time-related state of catatonic shock. Then, there is no way I'll finish this piece. Too much existentialism, not enough time.
#17
I actually have the whole thing done now, and part four may be up tonight, or tommorow idk sometime soon. It doesnt reveal anything blantantly but someone could truly if they thought long and hard, guess it. Thanks for the crit. And i assure you there will be no severing of sanity or responsibility :P.

also neely, there are 3 more parts.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Aug 7, 2006,
#20
aight man, i took a look at all the first one, ill only post in this one though, theyra all really good, wanna see what happens after part 4...

hey man, i started a series kinda similar to this, very different though, wanna take a look? its under The Other Side... in my sig