#1
it's been a while. i'm bored so crit for crit. i don't like the title.

casting net

the lightning shone brighter than a moonbeam
as i walked with my love on the beach
surrounded by a billion mirrors of sand and sea

with our footsteps i heard glass shattering
but when she looked over
when she smiled
and when she'd breathe
neither the tide nor the dirty shore dared speak

at her hotel door the waves held their breath
as a strike interrupted our silent goodbye
and her eyes reflected a security blanket
or was it a casting net
in the sky.
#2
it is pretty decent man. I'd like to see you change endings and a new title. I'll come back to it tomorrow when im awake and see if i can have any suggestions.

check out mine "todays the day" if you get a chance. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=407592
Official Member of the I <3 Schecter's Club, PM Schecter-06 to join..

Gear:
Schecter Stilleto Deluxe bass
BC Rich Bronze Warlock (for sale)
Zoom 18 Amp (for sale)
Last edited by l4t13 at Aug 5, 2006,
#3
the lightning shone brighter than a moonbeam
as i walked with my love on the beach
surrounded by a billion mirrors of sand and sea
Nice opening lines, sets the scene well...paints a good picture of situation and surroundings.
with our footsteps i heard glass shattering
but when she looked over
when she smiled
and when she'd breathe
neither the tide nor the dirty shore dared speak
I like the way you've related the aura of the girl in question to the aspects of nature you gave good description to in the first stanza. Perhaps the last line would benefit from the loss of the word dirty? Just seems to upset the flow slightly.
at her hotel door the waves held their breath
as a strike interrupted our silent goodbye
and her eyes reflected a security blanket
or was it a casting net
in the sky.
Really cool idea, you've almost personified the sea as yourself (not speaking / holding breath etc), but I must admit the last couple of lines confuses me, and as I don't really understand them i'm not in any place to criticise them. Hope this has helped.

Check out the song in my sig.