#1
Haven't posted a song in here in a looooooong time. This is definently not my best work probably because it is very emotional and I didnt wanna affect that by using words other than my own. Now im just looking to improve it so I am definently open for suggestions! This song was written about a night when me and my friends were sitting around a campfire and i was playing some guitar. This girl that I really like was there and I dont know how but one of my friends got in this fight with her and called her a slut as she left in tears. I kind of thought about showing this to her, but I dunno if thats the best idea. I basically just need an idea for a verse and you guys have been helpful in the past, but anyway, Critique for Critique!!!


You thought that you were just the dust,
That was blown off of the ashes from
The fire that I lit in my backyard
I burned my thoughts when you came out
Of my dreams, without a sound
Alarm clocks aren't telling me to wake up

You thought that you were just the clouds
That brought the rain down to the ground
With whispers as tears roll down you cheek
But your beautiful to say the least

Look at your reflection in the water,
I'll make your blinded eyes able to see
Look at the arm thats held against your shoulder
The most beautiful sight I think I've ever seen
Because your beautiful to say the least
Your beautiful to say the least
Your beautiful to say the least
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#2
33 Views and....nothing?

it is a critique for critique
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#3
You thought that you were just the dust,
That was blown off of the ashes from
The fire that I lit in my backyard
I burned my thoughts when you came out
Of my dreams, without a sound
Alarm clocks aren't telling me to wake up
Enjoying the way you've used the fire as an animate object in terms of describing thoughts/dust etc, nice imagery.
You thought that you were just the clouds
That brought the rain down to the ground
With whispers as tears roll down you cheek
But your beautiful to say the least
As is the case with the first line of the first stanza, i think you should remove 'just'. It seems to upset the flow slightly. Punctuation would be useful, not only making it easier to read but denoting when and where the passage speeds up or slows down. Useful for conveying emotions.
Look at your reflection in the water,
I'll make your blinded eyes able to see
Look at the arm thats held against your shoulder
The most beautiful sight I think I've ever seen
Because your beautiful to say the least
Your beautiful to say the least
Your beautiful to say the least
Nice ending, but i'm not to keen on the line about the arm etc. Arms are oddly unappealing parts of the human anatomy. Just my thoughts, hope this has helped you.

Check out the song in my sig, thanks.
#4
I thought it was pretty good. First stanza was probly my favorite because of the alliteration and internal rhyming and stuff. To me, the best thing a set of lyrics can do is to help make the singers voice another instrument, which I can really see here. The secong was ok, but the tears rolling down your cheek line was a bit cliched. The last was good. It helped tie the song together with relative simplicity and you brought back the your beautiful to say the least thing, which was cool. Overall, I could really feel a good flow throughout, and although the writing content wise was nothing unique or mindblowing or anything, I can really see this sounding awesome as a song. Btw, what style of music?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=405800
Critique maybe? Thanks!
#5
Its an acoustic style song, think Jack Johnson meets John Mayer

EDIT: actually know that I think of it, it sounds a lot like Michael Drummond (drummondo) right off of UG. Check out his dmusic site, hes great, and ull see what it sounds like
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

Last edited by WlCmToTheJungle at Aug 5, 2006,
#7
hmmm this is a tricky one to crit...

Firstly, its good

Well written with nice imagery

but i think it lacks just a a bit more detail

You thought that you were just the clouds
That brought the rain down to the ground
With whispers as tears roll down you cheek
But your beautiful to say the least


i just think, this stanza especially can be added to

It's probably just my own personal taste..

Good work though
Blah.
#8
i agree, its just i dont know what else do do with that stanza ill post a second draft once i get a few more comments and suggestions im still working on it though
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#9
Aww Poochyboi, give the guy a break

You thought that you were just the dust, for some reason or another the repetition of you in a single line was awkward and also brought down the impact of the line, also I really rather hate (and I do this myself alot) when writers use an unsure voice (words like 'seem' or 'thought' are usually clues to this) because then it makes the line and idea completely watered down, unless the entire point is the futility in thought or some similar philisophical priciple, which I dont think is the case here

That was blown off of the ashes from
The fire that I lit in my backyard good continuation of the first line/thought, actually very good, you definitely recovered from the accusation I made before. however, I believe the 'fire the I lit in my backyard' could be so much more powerful, cite synonyms and word choice
I burned my thoughts when you came out
Of my dreams, without a sound
Alarm clocks aren't telling me to wake up
meh, cliche and the line breaks didnt really help, I guess it is what it is though and for what it is it isnt bad

You thought that you were just the clouds
That brought the rain down to the ground
With whispers as tears roll down you cheek
But your beautiful to say the least
the almost ab off-rhyme here is beautifully done and I believe this is much better than the previous stanza, gj

Look at your reflection in the water,
nice continuation of the previous stanza, some might call it cliche but i think it works well
I'll make your blinded eyes able to see
bad line, just bad. Incorporate the ash here like 'I'll wish the ash off your dripping pupils' or something like that
Look at the arm thats held against your shoulder
bah, unoriginal
The most beautiful sight I think I've ever seen
Because your beautiful to say the least
Your beautiful to say the least
Your beautiful to say the least
good ending

overall, very good, your definitely a good writer Patrick. However, I feel this piece could easily be taken to the next level and I have two things to help in both the length and quality categories

1. add a third element, everything is more complete in 3's
2. in order to make the audience feel satisfied you must find a way to blend the elements and stanzas together into one conlusion that draws off of each. interwqeave your ideas more fluently.

Patrick
#10
^cant really say much about this here, all of it has been said.But... just to hit on a few points...
Nice imagery in this piece, but the one line about the reflection in the water is kind of cliche. You did say that it was an emotional piece, so IMO, i think you are allowed to use cliche stuff as long as you mean it. I can definitely hear this as an acoustic piece of some sort...maybe Bob Dylan-ish?

Hey can you crit mine? the links in the sig if you have time.

thx
#11
yea, i just dont know where to go from here, thats why i posted it, i need some kind of an idea.

I will definently critique urs AAA, but I have to go now, so ill get to it later...seriously
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#12
i really liked it.
And i agree about the acoustic thing
Acoustic pwns!

Going to play my acoustic and write another song now.
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#13
ok well im gonna work on this a lot more, ill have another draft by next week, then i can grace the forums with another cliche song
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#14
I like this one, it's pretty good, but as people said it could be edited.

Crit one of mine?
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#15
not to be an ass or anything but u didnt really give me a good critique, i always do the full song and take it peice by peice and i just dont think its worth my time, ill look at urs if i do have time though
My Gear:
Fender American Deluxe Stratocaster
Epiphone Sheraton II
Fender Blues Deluxe Reissue
Teese RMC Picture Wah
MXR Carbon Copy
Keeley Modded TS9
Korg Pitchblack
Schecter Omen 6
Dean Performer Acoustic

#16
Alright, I'm sorry, I don't normally do full crits, but here you go.


You thought that you were just the dust,
That was blown off of the ashes from
The fire that I lit in my backyard
I burned my thoughts when you came out
Of my dreams, without a sound
Alarm clocks aren't telling me to wake up
For some reason this isn't one of my favorite verses. I'm not able to sing this in my head so I can't get a clear rhythm from it. Lyrically I like it.

You thought that you were just the clouds
That brought the rain down to the ground
With whispers as tears roll down you cheek
But your beautiful to say the least
There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with this one. Good work.

Look at your reflection in the water,
I'll make your blinded eyes able to see
Look at the arm thats held against your shoulder
The most beautiful sight I think I've ever seen
Because your beautiful to say the least
Your beautiful to say the least
Your beautiful to say the least
Probably the best part. Everything was right on. Lyrically and flowwise, this part was awesome. Good work.

Alright, I gave it my best shot.
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#17
[applause for accoustic]

good choice man, fits in with the lyrics too. :]