#1
A vision of pure is rare
Your look of love is trembling
It?s shaking me to my core
It?s making me want to run

Red hair, green eyes
Pretty smile
It?s sure to cramp my style
But for you I?d walk the mile

Don?t leave me in the rain
Don?t crush my heart with distain
I?ve nothing to gain with you
And everything to lose without you

It's not done yet, just a lyric I've had in my head for a little while. Please leave a crit.
epiphone LP Custom
No amp yet, I just got back in the game.
Had a Gibson LP Studio, Mex Tele, Mex Strat, Blues Deville, and mg50. But thanx to my lovely wife, not locking the door, they all vanished
Last edited by graybybush at Aug 5, 2006,
#2
...Needs work. My English teachers always tell me this, and I'm telling it to you now:

Show, don't tell!

"Red hair, green eyes
Pretty smile
It?s sure to cramp my style
But for you I?d walk the mile"

^ the rhyme scheme for that needs work. "A B B B" doesn't work, sorry.
"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."
#3
Thanx, for the crit, I didn't notice that until I tried to play it.
epiphone LP Custom
No amp yet, I just got back in the game.
Had a Gibson LP Studio, Mex Tele, Mex Strat, Blues Deville, and mg50. But thanx to my lovely wife, not locking the door, they all vanished
#4
1. Please read the S&L Rules and FAQ and look under 'title rules'
2. delete this thread and repost it with an appropiate title
3. I'll then crit this
4. goddamn I hate when teaches tell me to "show, dont tell"