#1
imagine it kinda like lua by bright eyes and youll have the right idea. crit 4 crit

falling to pieces
its times like this i wish you had a voice that i could hear
but by your lack of x's i think youve made it all clear
youve got your own plans to take care of and i wont interfere
i wouldnt want to be a nuiscance when all your friends appear

this game it is a dance and i ve got two left feet
the steps they dont come easy but i keep my mistakes discreet
and im not the type to lie down and accept defeat
so ill keep on dancin and ill keep on fallin' until im truly beat

sha la la la la la la la sha la la la
sha la la la la la la la sha la la la
sha la la la

its the little coincidences that make me smile that make my day
so it sickens me to read between lines to hear what you have to say
you mean love is fleeting by its very nature so why delay?
in the end trust is the sound of death; all thats certain is betrayal

sha la la la la la la la sha la la la
sha la la la la la la la sha la la la

its worse than its ever been
i think this is getting serious
the screams pierce the silence
everyone fights i suppose
but its worse than its ever been before

everything i know and love is falling to pieces
everything i know and love is falling to pieces
everything i know and love is falling to pieces
everything is falling to pieces sha la la la
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
Last edited by curtis uck at Aug 7, 2006,
#2
pretty decent, i listened to lua while reading it.

i think this stanza needs the most work:

its the little coincidences that make me smile that make my day
so it sickens me to read between lines to hear what you have to say
so if i offend i do so in ignorance, i know no other way
and were not the only ones fightin so i cant bury my head in the clay

sounds like you just tried to hard to rhyme.ill see if i can come up with anything.

check out mine if you get a chance

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=407592
Official Member of the I <3 Schecter's Club, PM Schecter-06 to join..

Gear:
Schecter Stilleto Deluxe bass
BC Rich Bronze Warlock (for sale)
Zoom 18 Amp (for sale)
#3
yeah wil do. yeah your right it was the most difficult one and the one that sounds the worst
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#4
umm how is this

its the little coincidences that make my day
so it sickens me to have my heart shatter this way
i know you'd have it no other way
i stand speechless, nothing to say
everything i know and love is falling away
i am falling to pieces.

umm just a random stab i made at it. kinda hard since it isnt my own work
Official Member of the I <3 Schecter's Club, PM Schecter-06 to join..

Gear:
Schecter Stilleto Deluxe bass
BC Rich Bronze Warlock (for sale)
Zoom 18 Amp (for sale)
#5
Mmm...it's alright. Not too fond of the rhyme scheme, though. "A A A A A A...etc." makes it seem sort of cheap.
"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."
#6
NOT BAD, its the little coincidences that make me smile that make my day
so it sickens me to read between lines to hear what you have to say
so if i offend i do so in ignorance, i know no other way
and were not the only ones fightin so i cant bury my head in the clay
THAT STANZA DOES NEED A LIL WORK.. BUT OVERALL GOOD JOB
#7
i thought that was what you were going for umm

its the little coincidences that make my day
it sickens me to see my heart shatted this way
so if i offened, i do so in ignorance.
I'm not being belligerent
everything i know and love is falling away
im falling to pieces

ah idk
Official Member of the I <3 Schecter's Club, PM Schecter-06 to join..

Gear:
Schecter Stilleto Deluxe bass
BC Rich Bronze Warlock (for sale)
Zoom 18 Amp (for sale)
#8
thanks for the crits. the rhyming scheme is simplistic but so is the message, its supposed to be a little blunt.but i do get where you're coming from. and i dont realy think that stanza is much better than the one i wrote and believe me i had plenty to say. ill try and do something about it tonight. so anymore crits?
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#10
that's pretty good. its got some stuff to start with, and it'll build up. keep up the hard work.
#11
I really enjoyed reading this song. It just rolled off of my tongue when I read it. The rhythm was very good and I also liked the rhyming scheme. Keep up the good work.

Crit mine please

Goddess
#12
I liked the flow, the imagry was good. All in all I liked it, keep up the good work
epiphone LP Custom
No amp yet, I just got back in the game.
Had a Gibson LP Studio, Mex Tele, Mex Strat, Blues Deville, and mg50. But thanx to my lovely wife, not locking the door, they all vanished
#13
i dont listen 2 velvet revolver so ive never heard that song, but if it is im very sorry id never copy someone intentionally. anyway im bout to edit it now so itll be a little better hopefully. let me no wat you think. ye ill crit that soon as i edit this.
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#14
there thats better i hope
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#15
i like it! the 'sha la la la' thing sounds really bad in my mind, but i dont know how it is supposed to sound or whatever, i like the rest though, its awesome!
#16
thanks. the sha la la la thing just sorta fits and h=who doesnt like a little cheese now and again?
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#17
i really like this song, the way i was singing it in my head made the lyrics flow and it just sounds great....good job.....anywys...will you crit one of mine.....seven years is the newest one...
My Gear:
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Samick D7-CE :
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Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#18
thanks dude i sure will once i get time
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#19
i thought it was great, apart from all that 'sha la la' shiz. + i dont really like bright eyes.

I was thinking this song is kinda similiar to my first song up here, 'heartbreak should not be such a sharade' (in a structure and rhyme sense, not a *gasp* you ****in copied me sense)
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#20
small comment: its gr8, but i rlly hate de shalalalala part, sorry. But i like de idea n the name......FALLING TO PIECES