#1
ok well i usualy have trouble writing so this is gonna be written as i go so i dont crit my self so hard i burn the paper (and since its on a computer i cant burn it..well i can but ya u kno what i mean)

Complain and complain.
You say it will get better,
but must someone explain,
that were just moving up the ladder.

The presidents have never been smart.
The presidents have never even cared about the people
Theyve just wanted more power.

They spend to much time on the drug wars
They kill more than should even be harmed
They care to much about their force
But yet you are never alarmed


The presidents have never been smart.
The presidents have never even cared about the people
Theyve just wanted more power.

In vito to what your saying,
things will never get better.
We just get worse and worse
and dumber and dumber
their IQs have been dropping since 1777.
(But there wasnt a president in 1777)
my point exactly


ok well its a work in progress and ill probly put in one more verse but id be very happy if anyone has any ideas of how to make it better.. crit 4 crit
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#2
yeah political lyrics always annoying and whiney and basicly just suck

in lyrics terms it seems more of a speech then a song , ever consider being a rapper?
#3
Cliche, but I liked the message.

Anywho, to the lyrics: This song needs more emotion, and more indirect material. I felt it was somewhat too to the point, too direct. For example, change the first line of the bridge to "We're caught inside a downward spiral". Also, I felt it kinda lacked emotion, which can be fixed by adding a few more powerful lines. Example: I would change the second line of the chorus to "never gave a damn about any of the people".

Now for the good side, it was pretty creative and a good approach to the topic. I've written a few of these songs but never posted any (theres one on my myspace that is like, metaphor heaven, but that never materialized to anything but a folk song i played at a few parties). I also liked the "(But there wasnt a president in 1777)" part. Reminds me of an MC Lars song.

Well, keep it up. The more songs you write, you're bound to have a good one.
#4
You might want to check out the lyrics tips thread, work on flow a bit.
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#5
ya it wasnt meant to be very whiney and certain parts are supposed to be a little bit spoken but you cant see the way i want it done if you did youd understand a little better and no i havent ever considered being a rapper lol
Quote by GibsonPuppeteer
I've had the tiny ones in my mouth and accidentally swallowed a bit of the liquid, you should be all right.


Quote by xDie_Romanticx
just dont get it in your eyes and wear gloves
#6
I liked that. The thing I like the most is that this isn't an anti-Bush song, it's an anti-system song. Anti-Bush is getting old to me, and I like your view on this. Good work.

This is return for your crit, so you don't have to crit one of mine lol.
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#7
ya and anti-bush songs are unusable after his term but i took the some1 else singing for the 1777 thing from the anti-flag song Betty Sue is Dead... and ya ill work on it here in a few i was just trying to write something quick so i could really pick some ideas up from u guys
Quote by GibsonPuppeteer
I've had the tiny ones in my mouth and accidentally swallowed a bit of the liquid, you should be all right.


Quote by xDie_Romanticx
just dont get it in your eyes and wear gloves
#8
heres my latest effort at this

Complain and complain.
You say it will get better,
but must someone explain,
that were just falling down the latter

The presidents have never been smart.
Theyve never shown a care
Theyve just wanted more power.

They spend to much time on the drug wars
They kill more than should even be harmed
They care to much about their force
But yet your never alarmed

The presidents have never been smart.
Theyve just destroyed
Theyre just brought on demise

The system has failed us
Its just been the downward spiral
Anarchists are getting what they want
The system is falling beyond repair

Screw what your saying,
things will never get better.
They just continue to recklessly burn
Presidents become dumber and dumber
their IQs have been dropping since 1777.
(But there wasnt a president in 1777)
my point exactly


well thats as far as ive gotten now and i want it to be straightforward, im not in the mood for metaphors rite now
Quote by GibsonPuppeteer
I've had the tiny ones in my mouth and accidentally swallowed a bit of the liquid, you should be all right.


Quote by xDie_Romanticx
just dont get it in your eyes and wear gloves
#9
I'm liking this new version better, although it still has a few flow issues like the other guys were talking about.

Also, when I said that about being straightforward, I didn't mean straightforward was bad (hell, read my stuff, if i want to say something i say it), just that it was a tad too straightforward. Anywho, the stuff after the last chorus is brilliant in terms of metaphor and emotion.