#1
Crit for Crit...
Hey everyone, I've decided to make kind of a series of songs/poems, and this is obviously the first part, I'd appreciate it if you told me what you think and what i can fix for it.

EDIT: I am aware that alot of this is cliche, but the words kinda flowed out, and since its kind of emotional, i didnt want to screw with it.
EDIT2: Just fxed a bit of the grammar, also, the commas are meant to show how its supposed to be spoken, read etc, not to have any actual grammatical purpose.

Verse1
Can you recall, checking the clock
Then wishing time, really would stop
Making this moment go on forever
When we were not what we are now

Down on the couch, we were content
You near my side, only a friend
Lying in the silence of yesterday
When we weren't torn by obligation

Chorus
We were life, we were death
We were the soul inside of
The hollow of our chest
When we were just a friend

Verse2
We were so close, you next to me
Holding your hand, unconsiously
Feeling the emotion of the minute
When we measured time in happiness

Chorus

Verse3
We always had, the time of our life
Laughing at things, not knowing why
Thinking that this comfort would never fade
When we weren't an awkward silence

Chorus

Outro
I will always remember
The scent of your hair
As it brushes my face
Always remember
The color of your eyes
And the warmth of their gaze
And I will always remember
Just what we meant to me
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Aug 7, 2006,
#3
wow i so wish i came up with this. it reminds me of the girl im with/not with now.

we are just friends but the emotions...yea you get it.

i dont see anything id change.

check out mine "six years, 7 months" if you get a chance.
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#4
A few parts rhyme with the first couple lines, and some skip lines. I don't know if that is your intent or not? And the line: When we were just a friend, should be more like, when we were just friends. And the time of life part should have been the time of our lives, not of my life. As the other person lives a life too you know lol. But it's alright. Could go somewhere with it. What style are you putting it to if anything?
#5
^lol thx for the crit...i dont really know where im gonna go with this...maybe something like Dashboard Confessional, but i dunno...
#6
I'd criticize the subject matter if you hadn't explained where you're going with this. Instead of just re-hashing an old topic, you've approached in a (relatively) original, and fairly ambitious manner, which gets props.

As far as the content of the song itself goes, I have to say it's a bit too precisely descriptive, not a whole lot of room for interpration on the reader/listener's part; however, if you're trying to paint a specific picture in our minds, then that was clearly accomplished.

On the whole, a fairly nice song that I suspect will turn out well, though not a whole lot different from anything else. Hopefully what will make it stand out is how it fits into the series.
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#7
this doesnt really seem cliche but i do like the meaning of the song cuz i dont think ive ever actualy heard a song about how friendships escalate, definately original...as far as the writing itself goes it SEEMS to have a flow trouble but im sure music could even it out and turn it into a really good song
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#8
some of the grammar is off like "when we had the time of my life" I don't know if you meant to do those or not but if so I don't think that's going to work as any sort of word play because the reader can't be certain if it was intended or not. there are also some commas in there that do not belong but I figure you threw them in to show people how it's supposed to be read (which is understandable)

I think you've got a good flow. that's good.

but the only way I think you're going to pull a song/poem like this off is to be a lot more subtle or to have a lot more depth to it. to be honest I'm not very impressed with any of the concepts in this. I like the idea of it, for the most part, wishing things were how they were when you started dating. that's relatable and not a bad topic for a song at all, I just think you can do it in a much more interesting way.

I do like the first two lines of the second verse though.

I'd like to see how the series turns out but I think you should also start it stronger than this.

good luck, keep writing, peace,
ltt

(and, as always, I'd be happy to look at anything else if you'd like me to just send me another pm with a link)
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#9
Quote by AAA_the_band
Crit for Crit...
Hey everyone, I've decided to make kind of a series of songs/poems, and this is obviously the first part, I'd appreciate it if you told me what you think and what i can fix for it.

EDIT: I am aware that alot of this is cliche, but the words kinda flowed out, and since its kind of emotional, i didnt want to screw with it.
EDIT2: Just fxed a bit of the grammar, also, the commas are meant to show how its supposed to be spoken, read etc, not to have any actual grammatical purpose.

Verse1
Can you recall, checking the clock
Then wishing time, really would stop
Making this moment go on forever
When we were not what we are now

Good opening. Fairlt simple writing but I really like the flow and sound here, especially the last line. It really complements the rest of the stanza.

Down on the couch, we were content
You near my side, only a friend
Lying in the silence of yesterday
When we weren't torn by obligation

Mostly the same as the last stanza. The last line here seemed a bit awkward as I imagined it but I don't know how it will sound put to music.

Chorus
We were life, we were death
We were the soul inside of
The hollow of our chest
When we were just a friend

The 2nd and 3rd lines didnt flow well IMO, otherwise this is fine, although it doesn't seem to carry the significance I would expect from your chorus. No big deal though.

Verse2
We were so close, you next to me
Holding your hand, unconsiously
Feeling the emotion of the minute
When we measured time in happiness

This is your best part so far IMO because its so easy to relate to. It was simple, but I didnt really find it notably cliche or anything.

Chorus

Verse3
We always had, the time of our life
Laughing at things, not knowing why
Thinking that this comfort would never fade
When we weren't an awkward silence

I love how this sounded in my head untill I hit the last line. The way it ends with the word silence kind of leaves a hollow feeling like somehing else should be there, nut could just be me.

Chorus

Outro
I will always remember
The scent of your hair
As it brushes my face
Always remember
The color of your eyes
And the warmth of their gaze
And I will always remember
Just what we meant to me

Pretty cool little ending. One of the more cliched parts IMO but fine.

Overall very well written although Im curious about how your putting this to music. I didnt think it was too cliched really to be noticable, not that it was exceptionally original or anything. Sorry if I repeated anyone else, but nice job.
#10
i didnt really find anything REALLY cliche, but i also agree with u i wouldnt mess with it since its kinda emotional.
the flow was good and it does have a good meaning behind it, i'd just go a little more in depth with the next one =)
#11
no way man, no fu****g way! im sorry i dont like to swear but like ill buy this song off you for whatever price (jk, of course) wow, im feeling this man. its perfectly my feelings.
great job on the writing too. youre a good songwriter, and yeah part half is a better start, but part one is a better song, IMO. loved it, as you could probly tell. cant wait for the rest of these man.
this had the perfect balance of emotions expressed and then clever phrases to make me think. great job.
man, this series of songs might end up to be somn i really relate to. keep em coming.
#12
I have to say this poem is the s***. all praise aside, the line "when we were just a friend" doesnt really make sense to me. sorry i couldnt come close to the amount you critiqued mine with.

care to crit a different one?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=407594
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#13
aetherspear, i'll get yours in a bit, but im kinda busy atm...however i will explain that line.

"when we were just a friend", i guess i'm kind of saying that we were so close that it was like we were one person, you know? one soul, identity whatever you want to call it. So instead of saying "when we were just friends", i wanted to put more emphasis on how close we were to each other.
#14
Dude, this song blew me away. Eventhough 'A Midmorning in July' was way more complex, but I sometimes enjoy simplicity a lot more. Also, i'm the type of person that enjoys choruses a lot, and I have to say yours was great.
And hey don't think so much about whether or not it's cliche. If it's true it's not cliche, it's your feelings. Write what's true to you. Great job. Hope you can crit my latest.
Before Eternity's Lost
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=410521
#16
really like this...some great imagery in there....the flow is awesome, the ending was very cliche but you really made it work...very good use of words...not really much else to say, everyone else has said it......gret song man...
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#18
thanks for criting my mine. I really liked yours, the flow was good and so was the description and the emotion was here and now I know what your talking about. Good job and keep writing.
#21
I think I owe you a fair amount of crits so just PM me when you put out a new piece and I'll full crit that as well,

Quote by AAA_the_band



Verse1 before I say anything else can I just bitch to you how fuking annoying it is to have to read 'verse' and 'chorus' over and over and over again when crittiquing a song. Like seriously, gennerally that brings the song down a couple notches already

Can you recall, checking the clock
Then wishing time, really would stop
Making this moment go on forever
When we were not what we are now
no other way to say this, it wasnt original nor special, I have seen millions of songs on this topic, hell I have written a bunch of songs/poems on this very topic, it just isnt fresh anymore and I dont know how you could remedy it. well actually, what you could do is find some bizarre metaphor/symbol and begin to whittle a piece out of it, but be weary, you dont wanna be too broad.

Down on the couch, we were content
You near my side, only a friend
Lying in the silence of yesterday
When we weren't torn by obligation
meh, no depth, I crave depth and witticism as a writer and this is just straight forward linear shallow water.

Chorus
We were life, we were death
We were the soul inside of
The hollow of our chest
When we were just a friend
for what its worth, the excellent flow you have here almost makes up for the content... but its just that I cant get through the fact that your not actually saying anything important, just watered down raw emotion on a page.

Verse2
We were so close, you next to me
Holding your hand, unconsiously
Feeling the emotion of the minute
When we measured time in happiness
except for the unoriginality of the first line this is probably the best stanza

Chorus

Verse3
We always had, the time of our life
Laughing at things, not knowing why
Thinking that this comfort would never fade
When we weren't an awkward silence
meh, just watered down emotion that chases its tail into nothingness (ie. it lacks any real substance)

Chorus

Outro
I will always remember
The scent of your hair
As it brushes my face
Always remember
The color of your eyes
And the warmth of their gaze
And I will always remember
Just what we meant to me
meh, nothing specifically bad or good here, just kinda there...


Overall i was definitely not digging it, just too cliche and rather boring. I am rather sorry I was so harsh here but I feel that its the truth... and that you have talent and potential, i know that you can write better.

if you wanna return here: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=413663