#1
Ok this song is a part one and two thingy ok
Pt.1 im not posting pt.2 its not as good

In a land where no ones been
Sat a king and his fair queen
They lived together so very joyously
She looked him in the eye and said
Lets thank the lord that were not dead
and hope we last all of eternity
I love you more than you know
Please dont ever let me go
tell me that im yours forever more
Love me jsut like i love you
Tell me that your always true
Love me even during times of sorrow
When she went across the sea
She left him there so hurtfully
he cried untill he could no longer howl
Upon the boat she moped and moped
The sunset slowly sloped and sloped
She cried untill she could no longer howl
I love you more than you know
Please dont ever let me go
tell me that im yours forever more
Love me jsut like i love you
Tell me that your always true
Love me even during times of sorrow
She got to Frnace and realized
The she could not look in his eyes
She went down to the shore and started crying
He thought of her beauty at glance
and wished that he had had the chance
To kiss her on the docks before she left him
I love you more than you know
Please dont ever let me go
tell me that im yours forever more
Love me jsut like i love you
Tell me that your always true
Love me even during times of sorrow
She went out on the bridge one day
She lept as she had not felt gay
Since the day she left him on the docks
He went out to the sea one day
and drown as he had not felt gay
Since the dayshe left him on the docks
I love you more than you know
Please dont ever let me go
tell me that im yours forever more
Love me jsut like i love you
Tell me that your always true
Love me even during times of sorrow
Tale has it they moved on
To heaven where they both belong
To live together happily and freely
No sorrow could ever be felt
Not even from a leather belt
They had everything they ever needed
I love you more than you know
Please dont ever let me go
tell me that im yours forever more
Love me jsut like i love you
Tell me that your always true
Love me even during times of sorrow
I love you more than you know
Please dont ever let me go
tell me that im yours forever more
Love me jsut like i love you
Tell me that your always true
Love me even during times of sorrow

zoso777 aka Craig
#2
^...touching i guess...
Actually, that was a good piece, the rhyming was a little awkward at some points, but the flow and rhythm was good overall. It was a fairly emotional piece, it wasnt overpowering, but it was pretty strong, the imagery was good too. I kind of took it as a metaphor for this day and age, but thats just me.


Can you crit mine? the links in my sig if you have time.

thx
#3
the rhyming was way too forced.
maybe its just me, but from your writing, i have
a feeling that you could have done better.
i like the basic premise of the song,
but the song didnt feel like it was from the heart.
i shwung and i shwinged
but it never really shwang